looking for Escapology

You think you have moved on. You have closed that chapter. You are confident that if you ever have any encounter, you can just behave things never became sour.
But when you see him, suddenly you feel weak. Suddenly thousand thoughts race through your mind. You behave like it's just another normal random day but you heart knows how vulnerable and afraid you are. After you say bye and hundreds of questions arises.

Deep down, you feel and know that in some way, still you heart races towards him.

a dream that wasn't a dream!

Had been away, hence no update posts. Started scribbling diary, gifted by someone years back so that I could pen down my feelings towards her. I left that diary untouched and this week, I used it to vent out my frustration.

Today had a strange dream: I had forgotten about my Health and Physical exam which was supposed to be starting the moment i had remembered. Funny thing was that the subject was my minor subject till my high school days. Once I was graduate of high school, I left it during my undergrads and my PG is something else not even closely related to health or physical. But in dream, I was scared if my carelessness would cost me one more year at my Grad School. I was so scared and worried, one of my friend reminded me that since i have already missed to report time I should stop worrying about the exam. After a while I remembered this subject is no longer my subject and I don't even have to appear for the exam. Then I also heard that the exam had been postponed anyway.

This dream made me think over again about Sid. Is Sid like my Health and Physical subject which I thought was  very important for me but actually it's not that way? Is he my lost dream? Only time will tell. Time will tell.

But one important lesson learned: Silence is the most painful. It pains and brings so many questions but answers remain elusive. 

gone with the wind

I don't even know whether I should continue writing or not. The passion of writing has died with my relationship. Yes, it's over between Sid and me. My about me section needs to be updated with this:
Just an everyday ordinary guy in relationship with sweet but bit nasty boy looking for doing something extraordinary. Thinks life is beautiful and enjoys every moment with smile. About the pic: well i am just trying to read and understand my own life, so this picture reflects my current state :)


Something went wrong: horribly wrong. I ended it with email, at least from my side. He insisted he cannot come out of the house for few days, so be it. Probably he hasn't got clue about contents of email but I knw once he finishes reading it, he will accept.


Right now I am hollow. Can't think of anything. 


Karma is such a bitch!

empty pavements

Up ahead, I see a flicker of light
my hopes rise, heart joys
I run, run and run
as fast as my legs allow
to escape from this darkness
to that light.

I come near the light
I see
It's you, with a candle
looking for something long lost
I seek light, you seek companion
perfect!

But after a while
I realize, the wind is blowing somewhere
trying to puff the light
frantically I search for the source
search for something to cover
then i realize
it's you who is blowing

You are tired of walking together
you are again looking for something
No, it's not me.
You were only mistaken
you realize.

The darkness fills again
I suffocate
scream and look around
you are gone
and so is light.
All that remaining
is a smell of burning
Is it my heart or the candle?

the great wallet hunt

My knees are still weak, after all that running and walkathon. And my belief in whatever happens, happen for good reason has become even more stronger. But before i narrate the story, let me spin the wheel of time and start from yesterday.

Ra.One, Shah Rukh Khan's new Bollywood movie. Sid wanted to see the movie, or say he just wanted to go to the cinema and it was only Ra.One that was hypnotizing the management. Result: Ra.one everywhere. 2 says back Sid asked me to book tickets but most of the preferred seats were already booked and so he dropped the idea. But suddenly he called me yesterday afternoon and asked to book tickets. I managed to book 3 tickets at another hall and I was asked to collect the ticket, of course. Thanks to my mom, who took my 100rs without my knowledge proved to be costly choice. 3 tickets would cost 840 but i had only 750 left in my wallet. I was already late, so frantically looked for ATM. 2 ATMs were down, another's shutter was closed down but irony it had board claiming 24 hours open. Hence no other ATM were available which would accept my card as I had left another bank's card at home which was working. So i returned back empty handed, waited for another friend. By then out tickets had been released and sold to another person. We returned back, had coffee and parted our ways.
In the evening again Sid asked to book tickets, this time i bought online as well. Went to same road to took some money from ATM again same story as yesterday's. Sad thing the ATM which was working yesterday had ceased to work today. Never mind, we went to the cinema. Movie was stupid and boring. I became restless in the middle and my wallet began to pain me. So i took out my wallet and started counting time. Movie finished, we out. On the way home, I remembered to go to ATM and discovered:
I have left my wallet at the cinema. I ran back, called another friend to come with bike. Thank goodness I got my wallet back.
The moral of the story: If i had withdrawn money before I went to the movie, I would never had to think where my wallet is and I would have remembered in only tomorrow or when I needed wallet resulting in loss of all of my cards and identities. So sometimes things happen for good reason. That's why malfunctioning ATM was good thing to happen today.

P.S. Ra.One is not worth of the hype at all. 

festival leftover

I am getting tired of eating leftovers. According to my granny, my mom has small eyes meaning she hardly gets satisfied with less things. Unless the pot is full, she doubts it would be enough for everyone to eat which of course is not true. So her small eyes played big part this time as well and we ended up with leftovers full of fridge. My sister, as my granny used to, complaining saying If only she had heard to me. The lesson, don't hurry to cook if you are not sure whether your relatives are coming or do not compare their eating habit with the cyclopes who apparently could eat a lot. Otherwise you would be left with lots of leftovers and you just can't throw it anyway. Slowly and slowly you have to eat, otherwise what's use of refrigerator :P

In another note, bhaitika went well. Had fun playing with nieces and nephew, taking tika from sisters. Evening was another scandal which I will narrate someday. Ended up with friend at the famous bar, drank few glasses of beer and had good talk. It was indeed very helpful to talk and let go of many fear that we hold back. But still fear remains, in another form!

a little less, a little more

Have you ever felt scared or afraid of what's happening? Something like you have boarded wrong train or you are seeing a wrong dream or you have been silenced?

Same fear clogging you in different form at different times.

Sometimes loving is also not an easy thing to do. You have to tread in fine balance. A little more, you overburden it and a little less, you don't feel it. If you talk about barometer, I feel confused about my position. Am I being at a little more or at a little less position? I don't show concern I can't do it or even if i bring myself up to it, i fear he might never see loving and caring side of me and it will be just another fling that lasted little more than fling. If i become little more, I might be clutching him and end  up suffocating him. I don't want both scenarios.

Too much thoughts running wildly in my head. Am i texting and calling him more? Does he like receiving message or gets annoyed. Should I be worried about the profile thing or just be cool about it. Is he happy with me or just tagging along because he pities me? I am crazy at times. I wonder if he feels same way about me or am I just turning into devil's workshop.
Isn't there such device that exactly tells you how other half feels about you? Is he happy with you or expect something more?

Too many questions, But answers: None.

None!

sensibility? hmmmm

Sometimes I forget I am a mere human!

You promise to meet but have been failing to do so, mostly because of your part. Even there is less texts and calls making way between you two. Then finally both of you decide to meet as there is no chance you can spoil the meeting. You are so excited to see him, touch him and feel him but he doesn't turn up. You try to find his whereabouts but he doesn't reply back to you properly and you try to think something could be the reason. So many texts and unasnwered calls.
Then after futile attempts, suddenly you find his phone is busy when you dial his no. Being hopeful after few seconds again you dial the number but no answer. It works as trigger and you leave with sour mood and send quick text telling how you felt "ignored". After 10-15 minutes you get his text and call explaining why  he wasn't able to respond quickly. You are left with no in-between options: Either accept his excuses or bull doze them. You feel stupid for letting stupid thought over ran your sensibility but still find reason to justify your feelings.

Phew, so much for love.

fear

was waiting for Sid. As always he was running late and I had nothing to do. So i ventured inside my favorite book store in the down, smelling the smell of new books, feeling the covers and reading the synopsis, I spent next 1.5 hours there. And feeling obliged I got a book for myself as well.
It began to drizzle when I got text confirming he was around the place. So I stepped outside and went to the place where we usually meet (whenever he is late). As I was waiting for him, suddenly a fear grasped me and I don't know why i felt so.
Unknowingly i counted my age and felt so afraid that within next few years all of my friends would be happily married and their children would be calling me uncle. And I felt all alone that may be, may be I won't have that happiness. But i consoled myself saying there is always an option of adoption or surrogate child if I become that desperate and nothing works as planned. Then another thought hit me, probably when I am 70s then I will be all alone, with no one beside me and sharing my happiness or pain. I again consoled myself saying who guarantees that I would live that long or what's the guarantee that marriage would ensure that happiness for others? But still somewhere it kept hitting me may be, if i have child, may be they would stand by me. Just a may be thought.
Quiet strange thought that overpowered me. I had never ever thought this way. When I shared this fear to Sid, all he did was laugh. Probably he could relate to my fear or thought I am just stupid one or god-knows-what. He didn't explain and I didn't pursue.

:)

Just a whisper of yours saying I love you brings butterflies in my stomach and takes me somewhere beyond. Yes, you cannot see the smile it brings on my face. Call me silly or stupid, that's how I am :)

I have reached the raining city. The weather is still hot. I thought when i was here in September few years back, temperature was much better as it is now. Looking forward for friday when my gang joins me bringing laughter and happiness. Wish you don't hate the raining city and be here instead.

More posts later, promise.

early morning post

Have you ever woken up with fear of some unnecessary words in your automatic reply setting having potential to destroy your email-image? I did today and result: I am online early in the morning and writing this note. I don't have any idea why I put that stupid word in first place, but nevertheless I have corrected it. Was the fear of grammatical shame that woke me up or long sleeping hours did it's magic? Hmmm a food for thought.

On other stuffs, yesterday was Sid's B'day. Yes, Happy Birthday Sid. He was too busy with his family circles and new gadget so no meeting with him. Hopefully today (will you?). But the fact is I haven't got anything for him yet. Yes, I am still in dilemma. I have to give something which he will really like and enjoy having it. He has already warned me to release the spoiler so that he doesn't have to falsely proclaim how much he liked it. There are 3 options at the moment.

1. Sweater: Once we were roaming around and he liked one sweater made of "Newzeland Wool". We had a look but didn't buy then. 
2. A souvenir cycle
3. Shades: He loved it but the store guy hasn't got it yet from abroad. 

I hope he won't have change in heart when I give him any of these. Once again, Happy B'day. Love you :D

just as i thought to write....

My dog has gone to dieting phase. He hardly eats anything nowadays. Hopefully, as Sid explained, it's just a season thing.

And apparently one of Sid's friends think, love is all but drama and we are also being part of the silly act. lol, just made me laugh.

Got nothing to write more. After all how many times on earth do i need to whine about being silly and lazy.

Talking to the stranger

Prolly you all know there's this dating site for Gay men. No i don't want to mention the name here, who knows tomorrow our dear Telecom Authority find find about it and block it as it did to many porn sites. Darn! I had account there one and that's how i Met Sid. Later i deleted the account but after action of our dear Telecom Authority I decided to create new account at the dating site because it offers free porn to download. Yum :D

There one guy messaged me and I replied back and series of email happened. Afterwards we shared our phone no. and now we are in talking terms as well. I have been clear about Sid from the  very beginning and have made it clear to him what i expected from this scene is only friendship and nothing else. But I haven't told this to Sid. Yes, i intend to tell him but poor me I haven't had enough chances to meet him and share him such trivial thoughts.

I just hope he doesn't take this friendship in other way as the new friend suspects. I hope my Sid shows maturity here :)

procrastination

Sometimes i feel this is the worst habit of mine: Procrastination. I end up pushing up deadlines, assignments and all but just watch movies, roam around, sleep and do nothing but just stare  blankly. A month back i had wrote a post about the resort days. Well i wasn't there for vacation but for work purpose and I have to prepare report but still except few lines, nothing has happened. Even now, the report document is opened but here I am, writing this post instead. After that workshop, such another workshop happened and then there was my travel to mid-west of the country and tomorrow travelling to central south:: for more than a week. When could I finish writing these reports. After coming back I need to focus on writing report (hopefully it will have my name :P) that needs to be published soon. Or should I just hire consultant for writing hahahaha. But i need to use my own pocket money lol.

On other note, observing my lengthy travels one of my friend make remarks regarding Sid and me. She said "seems someone's love life will be in peril because of travels and work". And i realized its true as I am travelling a lot and he is also busy in his work we haven't have good time for us. This week after my return, we met on Monday and went for a movie (Kungfu Panda 2) which was ok. He had already seen it. Then Tuesday i was home, taking rest. On Wednesday and Thursday was busy with b'day celebrations of my friend and my beloved nephew. And tomorrow again I am travelling for more than a week. So I have got today only to spell out my mind to him in person.

Single life is more interesting sometimes as you don't have to worry about anyone.

I am just back from one workshop. For nearly 5 days i was confined to a hotel at nearby hill station: no i didn't even had time or desire to get out of even the gate. I used to go to room, to hall and to dining hall. I didn't see the famous sunrise, the view-tower or the temple participants weret talking about. All that i saw was the misty, foggy surrounding seen from my room or hall or dining table. Yes, i am that stupid.

Except the scene of course I enjoyed following my crush. I noticed he is struglling with shape as his increasing belly would prove that but still got that innocent face and spectacles that make him look super sexy lol. Yes we are now friend on fb (he added me of course) and i loved checking out his pictures.

When i told Sid that there was only one good-looking guy among all those participants he laughed and joked that he wasn't the participant. Wish he indeed was there. I missed him so much at one point of time. Talking about the joke: sometimes i wonder he can't get my joke. Today we were at bakery to get brown bread and he commented that the brown bread is not brown enough and looks like the white one to which counter-guy gave some sort of justification which of couse Sid didn't like. To make things calm i joked that may be the baker didn't burn the bread enough and Sid began to explain me how brown bread is made. And in front the the counter-guy i had to tell him: You hardly get my joke which seemed funny enough for the counter-guy.

Now from tomorrow i have to go back to office which i am dreading. The reason: backlog works. I haven't been able to finish a report which is due since a month. And more work has been piled up and I am acting like they don't exist. Help me God (if you exist), Sigh!

the weekend is here

The much awaited weekend came without noise and seems will be gone without any noise.

My friends were planning to go cycling. Even Sid got excited and proudly told me (later i shared with my friends) that he too wants to join the cycling. My friends suggested Sid to practice cycling and build stamina before the D day (of course i conveyed the message to him) but he had his macho-feeling inside him. Feeling challenged he told me he has stamina and used to such riding. What the heck for me, if he thinks he can join I am happy. But poor me: since i didn't have guts to agree to cycle at least 40kms uphill, downhill road, i was pinning my hope on one of my friend who had car. Me and another friend tried to butter car-friend but turned out he has exams or other engagements leaving my plans go: WHAM. Later Sid had talk with his friend about the plan who enlightened him about the hardship-prospect. When he realized he might not have that much power needed, suddenly the tiger turned into cat and I was left with howler.

So the weekend came. Friday we went for movie Rango which was not as great as i had expected it might be. Moves slowly and at times gets boring. The D day came and my friends went but I was at my home playing chess with my laptop while Sid at his own house doing laundry and ironing. Yes, I was bullying my nephew as well: screaming at him for not following what i said, blackmailing him with cartoons and making him go mad.
Also weekends mean playing time with my dog. He loves being pampered and whenever i am about to play with him, he just sleeps on his back hoping i would scratch him around his belly or legs. Not once, every time he does that. No he doesn't play with balls or any other stuffs. I try to make him pick up ball or something he just ignores me and ball, and goes to sleep or simply walks by to mom. Yes, he follows her everywhere and my mom calls him her younger son. He hardly listens to what i have to say unless i make my voice loud. And when i do that he knows what to do: go back to his comfy place.

Oh he has learned to use toilet, finally. That's another good news but of course sometimes he thinks toilet exists everywhere except my mom's room and the corridor.

Gift

I bought a book for Sid, no reasons. I remembered him saying he wanted to read one book. And i wrote following line as a note!

From one angel to another,

Hoping we could build a paradise together!

Fingers crossed!

The marriage

Sometimes i wonder what's wrong with gay people, why they have to try extra hard to fit into existing social structure. My argument is: Being gay, they already rebel to existing idea of loving your opposite sex. So why not continue with the rebelling?

Sid mentioned about his gay friends getting married. I understand there is immense pressure and blackmailing, probably sometimes leading you to agree to the idea of getting married. But would marriage solve the problem: problem of loving someone of your own sex? I beg to differ on it. No matter what, if you are not bisexual, it's very unlikely that you could have a happy marriage. Sid's friend got divorced, lucky his wife turned out to be drug abuser and well she herself also invited trouble to the marriage. But if she wasn't drug abuser, would things be solid and happy? I have heard/read/seen many people who are perfectly gay and still in perfectly (from outside) happy marriage life. But is it worth to experiment putting yourself, your lover's and your to-be-wife's happiness in risk of jeopardy?

I asked Sid (since he is also closeted) whether he would see himself married to a girl. To my dismay his answer was "I don't know. Probably!". I wanted to scream at him but hold the idea. Things haven't been so serious that i start talking about US. Yes, even i am closeted but at least i have made up my mind that i will come out to my family within this year and I will never ever get married to a girl unless I really fall in love with her. But paradox here is: I do not believe in institution of marriage.

Moving back to my topic: how could you expect to get married to someone you don't even love or can never love. And still you think you are forced to take that decision because of your parents. To hell with those parents who love their values, tradition and society more than their own blood. I have straight forward idea: I will leave and be on my own than give up and get married under pressure.

Should i take this conversation with Sid regarding marriage as a warning sign: to hold myself back and get out of the relation ASAP? Or should i take this opportunity to make him believe that you have to stand for yourself and no one will do that for you. If you don't, it means in a way you are slowly cradling towards known grave (who knows its possible).

Morning shows the day. But don't know what my day would look alike. Seriously!

UPDATE: Probably i was just over-reacting. I thought about it later as well and realized that when people are offered situation they haven't faced yet they are likely to answer with things they might not do. He might not say "I don't know, Probably!" but replace it with "No I won't and I am happy to find someone" when he has to face the real situation. My strong argument for this is: if he would give up, he could have been married for long (Gawd, he is already 33). He hasn't given up and he won't give up on me so easily :)

Too much time

Sometimes I wonder I am spending too much of time with Sid.
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday.....We meet, we chat, enjoy the company, get close, hold hands and keep walking.

And yesterday I asked him, "Aren't we meeting everyday? We both need time for our private life as well. We have friends and families who would be honored to serve us sometimes" and he responded back with plan of meeting 4 days a week which i doubt would be implemented. Why i said so, call me stupid, but i have learned from my past relationship that you shouldn't take your friends as granted. Your friends also need you, seek you and wishes to be with you to share their best and worst days. And if you are not there listening to your friends, how could you wish that they will  be there when you need to vent?

I am really blessed and sometimes wonder what had i done for being showered with such immense happyness? Is it because, as Sid puts in, I have very good heart which believes in compassion and love? Or is it because I am just too lucky?

News on my new dog: He has started to bark at unknown people :) Gave him his first dose of vaccines. 

the fear

Sometimes i wonder is magic of attempt is failing? Is every relationship (broaden your horizon here) has to pass this test? When you begin, the feelings are intense but slowly it wears off. Is it because we get tired or we understand other person from heart and soul, and do not have to depend on "Attempt"?

100s of texts shared, hours passed in talking and chatting. Suddenly you fell limited to few texts and nothing more. Have we become like long married couple who have lost excitement in life and wondering of finding ways to relieve those magical moments. Or am i trying too hard?
But then again your mind races to put facts together and realize in fact you meet almost everyday and spend at least 2-3 hours together. And i question myself, am i wishing for digital dominated love and other end replied: when you part attention in form of texts or call is deserved.

I do not fear to lose you, that's for sure. But sometimes i wish to know the status of who we are and where we stand. I remember what you said about me and I know perfectly through your gestures and acts you prove your loyalties but still this senseless, idea-less mind plays it's part and makes me think over and over again, slowly grasped by the fear of losing what hasn't even begun. I try to be strong and assure myself, I take what comes along but deep in my heart I know I have started liking you more with each day and probably wish to see you beside me for thick and thins. But also I know the fact that I cannot thrust in you and my heart and mind both agrees to this unequivocally.y

Yes i am pounded by fears: fear of being together and fear of losing you. Yes i fear when we be together we will lose the magic of attempts and someday it will just fizzle out. But i also fear this will end up in attempts only. And my heart can't decide which fear is worst!