unsettled me!

Something about you is unsettling me, makes me think more than i should. Trouble is you or me, i am yet to find out.

But then again, your smile and a soft kiss seems to make everything alright, at least for a while.

cheers to life

Probably when you are all right, not suffering from low moments then you got nothing much to write and hence, the blog becomes inactive. Now also i don't have much to tell or share, after all sad emotions make good stories hahaha.

We are back from our holidays. Some open secrets were revealed, promises were made. Overall except few here and there, life is wonderful. Read a lot of books in between. Finished 1Q84, The Hobbit. Read half of The Lord of the rings: The fellowship of the ring. Found Shantaram and now somewhere in the middle.
Back to home, even after 4 months of moving in, still we don't have curtains hahaha. yes, we haven't got the curtains and still we are okay :)

P.S. work is okay. 

two travels: the differences

He is away, travelling. To say 'hello mom, i am home again' and meet his friends, attend weddings and do more work for organization he is now officially working. I am here, working and waiting for end of the September. No, i don't have plans to go and wake up Green Day band. We both are meeting at Delhi in early October and explore India. Sad we couldn't make Europe trip not because they didn't give me visa, because we thought we couldn't make the trip because of various reasons and suddenly his organization agreed to give him ticket for home once a year - Early X'mas for him :)

Honestly this time i feel calm though he is not around me. Last time, i was restless from the beginning of his trip. I was unsure how his travel to Thailand and beyond would affect our relationship as that place was notorious for sex tourism and honestly i was afraid this could change whole dynamics. I wasn't trusting him entirely and i had reasons for not doing so. It had been barely a month since our first meeting and were still in phase of knowing each other. Though i trust him for his answers but I don't know what happened there entirely and i never thought of pursuing the question as well. But once he got back i realised how his feeling towards me had grown  stronger and has changed us since then. As a result; we welcomed  his parents and they loved me, we moved in and all of our friends are happy for us. Yes, sometimes we even wonder if marriage is what our next step would be; but then again we both laugh at the idea of getting married :)

This time, i am much more relaxed and happy for him. Probably it's true when he told me i am not worried and sad because i know where his loyalties and love lie. Knowing him had made me realise so many things in my life: my fears, my strength, my dreams and what not. It's not that earlier relationship didn't make me feel so, but this time intensity is just much higher and stronger. Cheesy thing to say: probably this time i am seriously involved, for the first time in my life and i am ready to experiment whatever it takes or comes on the way to find that elusive thing called happyness.  

Enough of my silly musings, about the India trip: Still not sure which part of India to visit. Planning going on, listening and asking people's opinion. Hope this would be an beginning of our travel fun. Probably it will be Rajasthan and beyond. Let's see where we end up.

how things work for the perfect world?

Last week was a whirlwind week; it began with fight and almost nearly ended with fight. Yes, living with someone is not easy task. I wonder how our parents did it for such a long time. I came home from office, hungry and slightly irritated. Erik asked me to bring dinner and I was asking him what he prefers and it irritated him. I brought chicken, not cut into pieces but a big part, and he said he do not want to eat as he can't see how chicken body parts are dismembered. Hence more irritation and more anger. And we ate dinner in silence and making up for fights afterwards but probably the bad vibes remained somewhere. With on and off irritated moments the week passed on and again it blasted off on Thursday night. Erik has developed a habit of watching a movie or documentary to go to sleep and reluctantly I agreed. As we were watching movie, like always, he began playing with his iphone not even looking at the movie much. It irritated me a lot and he had done it before as well. So I barked at him and he got pissed of. He accused me of trying to control him which further infuriated me. Both of us were irritated and angry and I went to sleep without even talking more....... wondering if we have done everything fast. He came to me, apologized, we talked, solved out and made out same night. Next day and night it was all good and then I left the town for the work.

Now I am far far away from him, before he goes away for a month to his home. Then we will meet somewhere in delhi to explore India. But the question of rushing keeps coming back in my head. Is this how everyone goes through when they are living together or is it us who are having this. Yes, life is not Disney movie with happy moments only but again sometimes you just feel why things are not near perfect.

I just hope these are phases we go through before we create magical moments. Hope for the best.

the fight

The rain comes............ I wait for it with mixtures of anger and sadness. The rain drops start to fall, soaking me.... I look around, still he is nowhere. Then i got his call, asking me where I am.

After few minutes, I see him running towards me with all the things that we had bought earlier. The rain has completely drenched him from head to toe, still he is least bothered but looking for me. My anger vanishes, something warm overpowers me. I run towards him.

In the middle of the Patan, in the midst of rainfall that looks like in mood of playing cats and dogs game, I hold his hand. He looked at me, said how sorry he is, hugged me tightly and said I love you. 


All i could do was: smile at him, hug him more tightly and whisper: I love you too and I am sorry as well.


And we waited for rain to stop. 

more than a year older...

nothing much to say!
nothing much to remember!!

The i realise it's been over a year since i started to write whatever i feel like. As i become nostalgic today then it hit me.......
shows how much i have been occupied with him. Spend last 5 days with him. Thanks to Bandh, we did nothing expect playing with the bed; sleeping, teasing, watching movies, working, yawning, laughing, fighting, loving, shouting, regretting, kissing, cooking, eating, dish-washing, talking, walking, planning, dreaming, thinking, making, reading, writing, waiting, playing, chatting, cursing, skyping, and yada, yada.....

last 5 days says: probably we can live together without much drama. As one of my friend put it: we were practicing to learn how to live together :P

Arrival of the summer

The summer is here!

Temperature has risen above 30 for sure bringing sweats everywhere :P And I don't like the idea of travelling to hot, humid place during this time. Not that i intend to go somewhere, except probably in September. If all goes well, I might say hello España. Fingers crossed for sure!

Last week, Erik and I had our emotions full on display. In summary; we had our fight. He was just irritated at something and was snapping me on everything. I had enough of it and told flatly that probably we need to have a talk, about the unseen but growing discomfort between us. As i prepared to leave, leaving him space and time to think of what his next step would be, he asked me to stay. With sadness in his eyes, he asked for forgiveness and told one cheesy line 'When i have arguments with you and then i realize how much more i love you'. I just laughed at his silly answer yet i stayed. We talked about the issue and guess we are done for good with it. And yesterday, I accidentally read his chat with his friend where he had shared that he is quiet serious about us. I just got overwhelmed. Of course i felt bad that i read it, but i felt quiet nice to know how he feels about me.

Just hope this summer brings more happiness and solutions to our probable cause of miseries including the visa!

scary moments

There comes the moment when both of you snap at eachother. Both of you try to find the reason to build your argument often leading to cold atmosphere with volley of questions, answers, disapproval and more reasons. After a while you realize, are you playing it too strong or is it he who is playing strong. Either way two types of fear crop in your head: 1. How can i spend rest of my life with such person wondering if such situations would keep arising in future and 2. what if this argument leads to a bigger argument resulting in a chaos?

He chose the restaurant for dinner and i didn't have patient to wait for table to be free. Next restaurant same: he left saying it's full like before. Finally I chose the restaurant which was thankfully empty but then argument flared over the menu. I could sense his annoyance and i couldn't just stand there doing nothing about it. I spoke of it and we ended up discussing (not heated and loud one: it was more controlled and measured one) and evaluating whole scenario each trying to seek answer out of it. It must have been a perfect drama scene for waiter wondering what these two boys are discussing about.

Yes, dinner was little cold but at least we ate with smile! 

New year: new hopes

New year came with new beginning. For the first time, we went out of Kathmandu (with friends of course) and had quiet good time. After unsuccessful but stressful visa attempt, we realized we needed some break and new year came as an opportunity. So we began this year by doing: rafting, roaming around the beautiful city of Pokhara and knowing each other even more!
About the visa, there are some silver lining. Hopefully we can use that opportunity and see where it takes us.

On another note, i have been buying so many books recently. I have got at least 4 and still haven't finished the old ones. I seriously need to get back to my books!

P.S. he has promised next weekend is all about us. Let's see what he cooks up. Update, for sure :-)

Dinner at RG

Finally the day arrived when we met again.... almost more than 45 days of painful wait. And who he brought to my house? His mother for sure! Well all my Spanish classes went poof and i ended up struggling with easy words so that his mother and I could talk. But we did manage to talk about so many things including her X-BF of long time ago, her childhood, erik's family and what not, ending our talk with political situation :-)

Seeing him made me realize how much i love him and when i heard those words from him, all my worries just vanished somewhere. His mom and my family met.... had a wonderful dinner together. They spend night at my place. Holding him in my arms gave me the happiness probably i will struggle to find anywhere. Spend a whole day roaming with him and his mother ending the day with dinner.

I am just in cloud no. 9 now.

More later, Promise!

someone's coming!

guess who is coming? Of course, there is no difficult answer to that. My BF is coming back after 8 nights! yay :)

but sadly, i will be going before he comes and won't be able to see him until another 8 days. how pity is that? And there goes my plan poof to spend few nights with his mom and him at pokhara!

But still i am happy, my depression era is finally coming to an end and this period has made me realise i am not as mature as i used to think i was...but have also taught me lesson to be patient.

Love you!

It's just a feeling?

Do you need words to reassure you how things are? If the words are not spoken, does it mean change in the dynamics of relationship?

Since last few days, I am questioning myself above questions and my heart is too confused to give me any definitive answer. Why do I ask this question, because I am feeling 'words' are what missing from our relationship.

I promise, not to initiate talk first. I promise to hold myself back and give space you require. I promise to be happy and look for exciting things.

I have been there, done that. Now when i am at receiving end, it shouldn't be that hard thing to do!

All good things must come to an end.

Has time come for this one as well? I am just wondering.

Thinking…..thinking… crazy stories in my head but hey, I am getting some leads from you too.

Do I want to talk about it to anyone? What next after the talks? Does it even matter talking about it? Probably a smile would do better than the tears.

Pain of distance. Hardly 5 days and everything is shaking. In my head or in reality: still confused.

When reality and dreams fuse together: all you are left with is confusion. Probably some dreams remain dream only!

Also why things have to be so complicated? Is it us who make it so or it's indeed a complication?

Can anyone answer? Hello????

31 days more to find out the answers!

Goodbye, at least for few weeks!

Hey Erik, Goodbye...
                            For another 37 days.........
                                                                   Reminding one chilling reality
All this could be permanent...........

Sooner or later!

Yes, he is gone to explore the South-East Asia.

And suddenly i feel empty. Like a fisherman who throws his fishnet hoping to get some fish with high hopes but realizes it has nothing but it's own thread. I am like that fisherman at this moment. Of course, you call me fisherman anyway!

I didn't want to see you go inside that departure gate, so i said bye and last time i saw you, you were waiting in line, wondering what lies ahead. At this moment while I am writing this post, probably you are wondering around the streets of Bangkok, checking stuffs and what not. Devil inside me often gets worried of the encounter that lies ahead but the magical 3 words that you spoke while saying me bye soothes 'halo' side of me. Does everyone feel that same evil sense of insecurity even though you know the person you are seeing off would be back to you as you bid adieu (hopefully, see i am that skeptical) or accept that fact that whatever happens in travel days, stays with the past?

After seeing him off at the airport, came back to join the gang for a hindi romcom movie. The movie for sure reminded me of you. Bad idea to see romantic movie hahaha but hey, i enjoyed it though! Apart from the movie, after a month again i learned riding the bike. Last time i learned was the day I met you. After brushing up some of my driving skills, i had gone to Prash's house. He and his GF were busy with some gadget when i saw you online and started talking. Remembering that day now I  laugh at how we ended up meeting in next one hour or so. I was surprised when you responded to my coffee offer with 'now', so I said Prash that i am going home. Later he was mad at me for lying to him but hey, i did go to home  before coming to meet you.  I had never imagined we would kick off so soon and things could go to this level.

Things happen for good reason! :)

wishing for world without the borders

First post of Month of Love. Makes me wonder how would the future folds in. How lucky would i be in love?

Currently out of the valley, far away from Erik. for work. And he is going away on Saturday. He said, 'I felt so bad that i am leaving you for 40 days but then realised it might not be that long given the situation i might not be able to live with you for 7 months a year'.

What if the world was a home, where borders are not demarcated and where no visa was needed to travel and live?

His mom is excited about us and will be here soon. I hope i could impress her, making her realise i am the best choice he ever made :-)

not many posts

Blame my boyfriend not me.

Around 3 weeks and we both are hopelessly fallen for eachother. Hence, not much time for updating the blog. But I promise i will be regular, just give me some time :)

48 hours

No this is not Danny Boyle's mini version of 127 hours. This is "the hour" that has brought me the happiness and sense of life that we always dream of. Yes, from far away land, one good Samaritan has arrived in my life who has brought a bag full of happiness for me. I know this is a short-lived one but it will be the one that i will always treasure, cherish and long for.

Sometimes..

We all are just confused of what the future beholds for us... but does the fear of future stop us from exploring today? Today, 15.01.2012, seems one of us proposed to other......

Back to same old road but.....

Yes I am back to the same old road again: the road of love.

You remember my Spanish date Erik? Without me knowing much of what's happening and just 3 dates (the recent one was 24 hours long lol) I am already falling for him. But this time there is a twist. Whatever this is, my love or my obsession or passion or anything, you call it: it's going to last only for 2 months and we both know what the end would be.

crazy, stupid love

I admit, I am afraid of love or is it commitment? Or is it committed love? Isn't there some love with no commitments? But then what's the point of being in love? The idea of loving someone crazy is scary. Please note that when I say crazy, it doesn't mean being pagal and shouting "kkkkkkkkk kiran" but loving someone so much that nothing matters except that person. My friends say and I admit, probably I love myself like that and wouldn't love anyone else putting myself at risk for that person. When I was in relationship, I always tried to stay away from those possible candidates who would be crazy, stupid lovers. I feel suffocated, yes i am that dork. I need space in my relationship, need air to breathe and time to evaluate where I am heading. But that doesn't mean I look for others. Probably when i was young and wild, I would have done so but now nothing else matters if I have that elusive crazy love (read is metaphorically, this line is just to indicate my firm commitment to monogamous relationship). But now I am single, sometimes i wish for such love. I wish for someone who would stand by me, forever and always. Not clutching to me but standing by me.

But Pooh (have i introduced her? Well she is the darling. My friend since i started learning alphabets) has to say that such person is right in front of me but i am looking for something else. Today when I was pretty lost in my failure to do work i was supposed to, she asked me about Mosby. Yes, nowadays i talk a lot about him, at least here. She reminded me he is hopelessly falling for me and I am turning my eyes blind to that. Yes, he calls me at least twice (since last few days) from his home country and tries to be updated of my life and updates his stories as well. Pooh had to point out that if he wasn't that serious about me why would he call me everyday? Like always I reminded her about my refusal to be committed in relationship and branded my relationship with Mosby as a friend with benefits. But she did favor by reminding me that being together is always not about sex but more than that and I have liberty to fool around but not hurt someone else's dream. Now is there anything I can do? Every time we  had some intimate moment, I have reminded Mosby of reality and he cuts me short saying "Yes, Yes I know it's just friends and nothing more. I understand and I am okay with it". Phew! I wonder when I fall for helplessly would that person respond me the same way I am responding to Mosby? If that happens, how will i take it. I am that bad, you see :(