Life's a Barfi

One more week and we will unite again, not here in Kathmandu but somewhere in India. I am all excited and worried at same time. Travelling could be stressful at times (holidays are not always as shown in advertisements after all). Just hope it will a smooth flow. But nevertheless, idea of reuniting with him just makes butterflies in my tummy. Sometimes i wonder am i being mad in puppy love hahaha. Why i feel so, i have never ever felt so strongly about anyone. This time i have become everything i could barely imagine: possessive (not always), weak, jealous, strong ... all the emotions you could think of have taken over me at one point or another.

Whatever it is, I wish it would never end and even if we have ending, it would be a happy ending and we will always find a way to enjoy it. Just like Barfi. Yes, finally saw the movie and loved it. Loved it for it's story telling, cinematography, performances and what not. I hope we all have that strength to take things as they come and live every day with smile and happiness. Here's one more song of Barfi :)

more than a year older...

nothing much to say!
nothing much to remember!!

The i realise it's been over a year since i started to write whatever i feel like. As i become nostalgic today then it hit me.......
shows how much i have been occupied with him. Spend last 5 days with him. Thanks to Bandh, we did nothing expect playing with the bed; sleeping, teasing, watching movies, working, yawning, laughing, fighting, loving, shouting, regretting, kissing, cooking, eating, dish-washing, talking, walking, planning, dreaming, thinking, making, reading, writing, waiting, playing, chatting, cursing, skyping, and yada, yada.....

last 5 days says: probably we can live together without much drama. As one of my friend put it: we were practicing to learn how to live together :P

100th Post

Never imagined I would reach 100th post but here i am, writing this 100th post remembering last 99 posts full of complains, bitchings, few dreams, few happiness, few tears and what not. But this have been a helluva ride for sure. These posts have contained all those memories I have shared with my friends, amazing people and the moments i have lived. Whenever i feel low, i start reading old posts and i feel that happiness and content, these words hardly can describe.

When I started this blog in September 2011, I thought to remain anonymous  but then few people including my  friends stumbled upon it. Though my plan to be anonymous didn't work well but my plan to keep recording my emotions would keep continue. So i will try to keep it alive no matter what happens but also who has seen the future anyway? I hope i would not lose the itching of writing and keep this blog filled with what i feel about everything and anything.

But one thing i always feel is, what if i could read thoughts of another gay nepali like me? Probably i could relate more :) Just a thought! 

just a potpourri

I seriously wish I were a time traveler. I miss him so badly even though i was pretty prepared for this. As A said I am reading more than i should in these last few days.

Have lost considerable weight compared to 2 months back. No, it's not because of his departure (well probably partly, yes) but now i have decided i need to gain some kgs before everyone says 'you have become too skinny'. And did I tell you i have turned into veggie now. Well probably my friends think it's because of him (he is also one) but no it has nothing to do with him. Just felt like i am having too much of negative thought, probably time has come for detoxification by avoiding meat, as in meat form. So there I go, a veggie for few weeks and lets see where it goes. Of course i could see disappointment in my mother's face.

Goodbye, at least for few weeks!

Hey Erik, Goodbye...
                            For another 37 days.........
                                                                   Reminding one chilling reality
All this could be permanent...........

Sooner or later!

Yes, he is gone to explore the South-East Asia.

And suddenly i feel empty. Like a fisherman who throws his fishnet hoping to get some fish with high hopes but realizes it has nothing but it's own thread. I am like that fisherman at this moment. Of course, you call me fisherman anyway!

I didn't want to see you go inside that departure gate, so i said bye and last time i saw you, you were waiting in line, wondering what lies ahead. At this moment while I am writing this post, probably you are wondering around the streets of Bangkok, checking stuffs and what not. Devil inside me often gets worried of the encounter that lies ahead but the magical 3 words that you spoke while saying me bye soothes 'halo' side of me. Does everyone feel that same evil sense of insecurity even though you know the person you are seeing off would be back to you as you bid adieu (hopefully, see i am that skeptical) or accept that fact that whatever happens in travel days, stays with the past?

After seeing him off at the airport, came back to join the gang for a hindi romcom movie. The movie for sure reminded me of you. Bad idea to see romantic movie hahaha but hey, i enjoyed it though! Apart from the movie, after a month again i learned riding the bike. Last time i learned was the day I met you. After brushing up some of my driving skills, i had gone to Prash's house. He and his GF were busy with some gadget when i saw you online and started talking. Remembering that day now I  laugh at how we ended up meeting in next one hour or so. I was surprised when you responded to my coffee offer with 'now', so I said Prash that i am going home. Later he was mad at me for lying to him but hey, i did go to home  before coming to meet you.  I had never imagined we would kick off so soon and things could go to this level.

Things happen for good reason! :)

till then, goodbye!

2012 has already knocked at my door. Yes, I am 3 days late to say "Happy New Year" but does it matter by how many days i am late? Anyways, felt like looking back 2011. It has defined me, gave me courage and made me strong. This is the year I will always remember for gathering courage to speak out my story to my friends and my sisters. This is the year I will always remember for meeting some awesome people including AK. This is the year I will always remember for some lost love. Finished my Masters (dissertation is there, but i can still say i did it :P), got my dog and made me hopeful of my future and my happiness.

Few things I look forward in 2012:
Probably Love. I am afraid of commitments and all but still I wish to have someone beside me who actually understand me and vows to be there when i need most. Yes, I would do same.
One more overseas trip with friends. We had made this pact that we would go somewhere Sun and Sand to celebrate the bachelor's party. Hopefully one of my friend would fly from Europe and we fly down from Himalayas to sea and beach, laughing...shouting... drinking....and enjoying the bond like never before. Fingers crossed!
Upgrade in career: Well who doesn't want this? But probably I should start looking for some international positions so that I could travel faraway lands, working and saving some money :P
Buy one book a month: Yes, this is my resolution i made in the morning actually. I got one book yesterday which i wanted so badly.... Murakami. I am trying to convince another friend to do so :D
Join the gym, get back to shape. Learn French and say "Bonjour ... Aimeriez-vous avoir un dîner avec moi?"

This are few things I hope to happen with me. Lets see, how the year unfolds. Till then, goodbye 2011. :)

free falling

Last 2 weeks had been quiet hectic. Constant travelling across the country, never ending wait at the airport. The unplanned strike that affected our work, but still finding way out to do at least something of what we were supposed to do. But the trip ended the best way it ever could have become. I went to another city in the east and met my friend AK. We hung out, watched movie, slept under the sun, went out to the awesome bar (mind you, we made it awesome), had wonderful time. Those 2 days were one of the best days of recent times.

Some of my friends do ask me about the chances of AK and I having relationship which sounds very flimsy. He is such a wonderful person. Probably if we hadn't met when I was in relationship or later he being in  relationship, probably things could have hit off. But now though I am single, though he is single, things haven't got any chance to move forward. Now i guess we have become more as a friend than anything else could have been. But the idea of us being together does make butterflies in my stomach and I laugh at my own silliness.

In another development, Mosby is angry with me. Why? because I did all it takes to avoid him. I always pretended (at times it was true) i am busy with work and all. And now he is angry that I didn't give him even 10 minutes but i have all the time to go for movie or dinner with friends. So I have agreed to go out to dinner with him tonight. Seriously, I am a bitch!

that moment of happiness

Here I am, happy about apparent decrease in my waistline but eating chocolates now because I am hungry. My sister made comments few days ago saying my belly seems to have decreased. And yesterday my old pant which used to find difficulty in staying in my waist fitted perfectly giving me a broad smile. No it wasn't exercise that did it. My determination to join the gym or do the exercise have gone nowhere but ended in my bed. I always think "tomorrow I am going to run" but I end up running in my own bed. Sigh!
AK has threatened to kick my ass if I don't join the gym and have declared he will call me ugly till the day i join the gym. We were supposed to join the fitness centre but it just didn't work out. The day we went to submit the form: it was closed!!! Anyway I can further push the stereotype and worry about the weight and belly hahaha :P

looking for Escapology

You think you have moved on. You have closed that chapter. You are confident that if you ever have any encounter, you can just behave things never became sour.
But when you see him, suddenly you feel weak. Suddenly thousand thoughts race through your mind. You behave like it's just another normal random day but you heart knows how vulnerable and afraid you are. After you say bye and hundreds of questions arises.

Deep down, you feel and know that in some way, still you heart races towards him.

nostalgia

It's pouring outside: seems Indra, the hindu god of thunder and rain, isn't happy today. Strong wind and rain, what a combination. I always loved rain. I don't know why, but if you ask me which weather I would prefer more: I would chose Monsoon. In my opinion, the rain makes such a wonderful music when water hits the ground and there's prism of lights, too many colors to chose.

This rain and thunder do remind me of you. First time when we met, it was raining like hell and you came with an umbrella to pick me up. That was so hilarious especially your long umbrella, like the one old black umbrella people used to carry back ages ago. Today it's raining like it did then. Probably it's shining in your place now: sun and sand. Yes, I remember you saying so and I even have gift you got for me from that land. Silly me, I haven’t used it at all. It's still packed like it was when you gave me. 

Haha sometimes song reminds me of you and sometimes it's the smell. Sometimes I wonder if we had given shot, could we have made it? I know both of us were more worried about coming days than the present ones. We never pursued but still whenever I try to remember those messages you sent me, I get this question: why didn't we? Remember the most funny and sweet one was the quote from Brida (funny I don't remember it though), it was copied-pasted but still it did touch my heart. I still loved those days of sitcoms, thesis data analysis and mere fooling and nothing else. Those days of surprises and you never got tired of my endless babbles.

Now things have changed and someone has taken your place. I don't know if it's same with you, but you acted more as stern and confident and never shared me except denials.  I heard rumours after all. But the last statement that you said to me in person still bring laughter: If only you were not in relationship.

Memories are to cherish. And suddenly it made me nostalgic today.