Life's a Barfi

One more week and we will unite again, not here in Kathmandu but somewhere in India. I am all excited and worried at same time. Travelling could be stressful at times (holidays are not always as shown in advertisements after all). Just hope it will a smooth flow. But nevertheless, idea of reuniting with him just makes butterflies in my tummy. Sometimes i wonder am i being mad in puppy love hahaha. Why i feel so, i have never ever felt so strongly about anyone. This time i have become everything i could barely imagine: possessive (not always), weak, jealous, strong ... all the emotions you could think of have taken over me at one point or another.

Whatever it is, I wish it would never end and even if we have ending, it would be a happy ending and we will always find a way to enjoy it. Just like Barfi. Yes, finally saw the movie and loved it. Loved it for it's story telling, cinematography, performances and what not. I hope we all have that strength to take things as they come and live every day with smile and happiness. Here's one more song of Barfi :)

two travels: the differences

He is away, travelling. To say 'hello mom, i am home again' and meet his friends, attend weddings and do more work for organization he is now officially working. I am here, working and waiting for end of the September. No, i don't have plans to go and wake up Green Day band. We both are meeting at Delhi in early October and explore India. Sad we couldn't make Europe trip not because they didn't give me visa, because we thought we couldn't make the trip because of various reasons and suddenly his organization agreed to give him ticket for home once a year - Early X'mas for him :)

Honestly this time i feel calm though he is not around me. Last time, i was restless from the beginning of his trip. I was unsure how his travel to Thailand and beyond would affect our relationship as that place was notorious for sex tourism and honestly i was afraid this could change whole dynamics. I wasn't trusting him entirely and i had reasons for not doing so. It had been barely a month since our first meeting and were still in phase of knowing each other. Though i trust him for his answers but I don't know what happened there entirely and i never thought of pursuing the question as well. But once he got back i realised how his feeling towards me had grown  stronger and has changed us since then. As a result; we welcomed  his parents and they loved me, we moved in and all of our friends are happy for us. Yes, sometimes we even wonder if marriage is what our next step would be; but then again we both laugh at the idea of getting married :)

This time, i am much more relaxed and happy for him. Probably it's true when he told me i am not worried and sad because i know where his loyalties and love lie. Knowing him had made me realise so many things in my life: my fears, my strength, my dreams and what not. It's not that earlier relationship didn't make me feel so, but this time intensity is just much higher and stronger. Cheesy thing to say: probably this time i am seriously involved, for the first time in my life and i am ready to experiment whatever it takes or comes on the way to find that elusive thing called happyness.  

Enough of my silly musings, about the India trip: Still not sure which part of India to visit. Planning going on, listening and asking people's opinion. Hope this would be an beginning of our travel fun. Probably it will be Rajasthan and beyond. Let's see where we end up.

how things work for the perfect world?

Last week was a whirlwind week; it began with fight and almost nearly ended with fight. Yes, living with someone is not easy task. I wonder how our parents did it for such a long time. I came home from office, hungry and slightly irritated. Erik asked me to bring dinner and I was asking him what he prefers and it irritated him. I brought chicken, not cut into pieces but a big part, and he said he do not want to eat as he can't see how chicken body parts are dismembered. Hence more irritation and more anger. And we ate dinner in silence and making up for fights afterwards but probably the bad vibes remained somewhere. With on and off irritated moments the week passed on and again it blasted off on Thursday night. Erik has developed a habit of watching a movie or documentary to go to sleep and reluctantly I agreed. As we were watching movie, like always, he began playing with his iphone not even looking at the movie much. It irritated me a lot and he had done it before as well. So I barked at him and he got pissed of. He accused me of trying to control him which further infuriated me. Both of us were irritated and angry and I went to sleep without even talking more....... wondering if we have done everything fast. He came to me, apologized, we talked, solved out and made out same night. Next day and night it was all good and then I left the town for the work.

Now I am far far away from him, before he goes away for a month to his home. Then we will meet somewhere in delhi to explore India. But the question of rushing keeps coming back in my head. Is this how everyone goes through when they are living together or is it us who are having this. Yes, life is not Disney movie with happy moments only but again sometimes you just feel why things are not near perfect.

I just hope these are phases we go through before we create magical moments. Hope for the best.

Setting up new life

So after few tears, more talks, little sigh, more sadness: I am slowly unpacking my life. I didn't expect this will bring tears to my mom. I had had talk with her before and she had said 'OK' but then i realise she thought I was joking but sadly i was not. But still my conversation with her is not completely true. I said 5-7 months but i didn't tell her it would long, i don't know how long. I wonder what would be the scenario if i say it's a long term decision but only thing i am doing is: not being entirely honest. May be i am afraid to confess, may be i am too afraid to be true. Trying to protect my own image as 'Good Son'. See i could be that dirty!

Anyways, about moving in.....Every time  I meet friend of mine, s/he asks me 'have you moved in yet?' to which i reply not yet. This is not a whole truth however. have we got everything we need for our room? Nope. Have we started living in, well sort of yes. This whole week, we were at our new place. But man, for all those who are planning to move in together, it's not an easy task, especially if you are setting up entirely everything new. It becomes worse when one of you is bohemian when it comes to shopping and another is the perfectionist.

I admit, I have serious shopping disorder. I get panic attack if i have to go to three shops to buy one thing and end up choosing whatever shopkeeper thrust in my hand. And Erik has everything envisioned. What colour or pattern he wants in carpet, what type of cooking ware he is looking for, dinner plates etc. And I am, 'lets see, this is nice. let's get it' kinda person. Hence, he feels he is tired of taking decision and i feel i am tired of judging between the white and creamy white. Result: both of us getting angry and irritated at each other. One point I even asked him: 'Do you think this way you can even pass one year with me?' To which he replied that once everything is settled, there is no need of shopping for long time which means no fights because of shopping list and no tantrums meaning he sees us together for not just one year or five but beyond for longer period. Fingers crossed.

So now you understand why there is no frequent posts. I am setting up and taking time. But i promise, i will be here!

the fight

The rain comes............ I wait for it with mixtures of anger and sadness. The rain drops start to fall, soaking me.... I look around, still he is nowhere. Then i got his call, asking me where I am.

After few minutes, I see him running towards me with all the things that we had bought earlier. The rain has completely drenched him from head to toe, still he is least bothered but looking for me. My anger vanishes, something warm overpowers me. I run towards him.

In the middle of the Patan, in the midst of rainfall that looks like in mood of playing cats and dogs game, I hold his hand. He looked at me, said how sorry he is, hugged me tightly and said I love you. 


All i could do was: smile at him, hug him more tightly and whisper: I love you too and I am sorry as well.


And we waited for rain to stop. 

fear of being together

Have you ever found yourself in catch-22 situation of wanting to be together with your loved one and yet same time fear of doing so? Well, I am having one of those moments. As I mentioned earlier, Erik has asked me to move in with him if everything goes well and he gets long-term visa (fingers crossed for visa). To tell you the fact, since last week he has been staying over at my place. But living together is not as easy as seeing for few hours a day. You see the worst side, best side of the person: whether you like it or not. I have this fear, what if we both got tired of eachother? Except for few outburst of irritations, we got along really well. But living together every day and night??? Hmmmmmm

Also how do i break this news to my MOM? She might be very liberal to accept me but accept the fact that her son would leave the house and go live with someone else? how would she react to the idea? How do i juggle between these two world?

Still scenario looks faraway, but it scared me for sure!

In another news, I added my super-boss on fb. She must have got spanner seeing my relationship status. lol :P I love surprising people!

what's there to hide?

After we went public on facebook with our relationship,  i wonder what's there to hide and be ''anonymous'' here? But i guess the fun is I am being anonymous to Erik himself. (big green laughter). Yes i haven't told him about this blog and i don't intend to. If i did, then what's fun in whining about him sometimes. So you might be wondering, reactions to being public?

Strange people are not brave enough to ask question to the concerned even if they are dying with curiosity. But yes my friends got lot of quizzes and questions: at one point one of my friends told me 'pay me to be your personal assistant' to which i replied 'tell them, our policy do not allow to talk about private/personal issues. Please refer to fb post for any of your queries'. It would be fun :P Anyways, those who chose to ask me, I am telling them 'YES'. 

How do i feel about it? Calm, Peace and happy. But still I haven't got the guts to spill out to mom and Erik says 'I don't think your mom views me as your just friend'. Wish i could tell her ASAP but probably before we make another giant move.

Apart from getting inner peace in telling the world, another  light is seen at the end of the tunnel, finally. Erik's visa seems to be in reach. He has enrolled in university and now he will get letter from the university  (tomorrow to be precise), requesting Education ministry to write another recommendation to Immigration for visa. Hopefully without any fuss, Immigration will give him visa for one year. After all, he got no objection letter from his consulate easily unlike last time. Another weird thing is, apparently TU never ask such 'no objection letter' for other students but to Spanish. Confusing bureaucracy. 

more than a year older...

nothing much to say!
nothing much to remember!!

The i realise it's been over a year since i started to write whatever i feel like. As i become nostalgic today then it hit me.......
shows how much i have been occupied with him. Spend last 5 days with him. Thanks to Bandh, we did nothing expect playing with the bed; sleeping, teasing, watching movies, working, yawning, laughing, fighting, loving, shouting, regretting, kissing, cooking, eating, dish-washing, talking, walking, planning, dreaming, thinking, making, reading, writing, waiting, playing, chatting, cursing, skyping, and yada, yada.....

last 5 days says: probably we can live together without much drama. As one of my friend put it: we were practicing to learn how to live together :P

Arrival of the summer

The summer is here!

Temperature has risen above 30 for sure bringing sweats everywhere :P And I don't like the idea of travelling to hot, humid place during this time. Not that i intend to go somewhere, except probably in September. If all goes well, I might say hello España. Fingers crossed for sure!

Last week, Erik and I had our emotions full on display. In summary; we had our fight. He was just irritated at something and was snapping me on everything. I had enough of it and told flatly that probably we need to have a talk, about the unseen but growing discomfort between us. As i prepared to leave, leaving him space and time to think of what his next step would be, he asked me to stay. With sadness in his eyes, he asked for forgiveness and told one cheesy line 'When i have arguments with you and then i realize how much more i love you'. I just laughed at his silly answer yet i stayed. We talked about the issue and guess we are done for good with it. And yesterday, I accidentally read his chat with his friend where he had shared that he is quiet serious about us. I just got overwhelmed. Of course i felt bad that i read it, but i felt quiet nice to know how he feels about me.

Just hope this summer brings more happiness and solutions to our probable cause of miseries including the visa!

scary moments

There comes the moment when both of you snap at eachother. Both of you try to find the reason to build your argument often leading to cold atmosphere with volley of questions, answers, disapproval and more reasons. After a while you realize, are you playing it too strong or is it he who is playing strong. Either way two types of fear crop in your head: 1. How can i spend rest of my life with such person wondering if such situations would keep arising in future and 2. what if this argument leads to a bigger argument resulting in a chaos?

He chose the restaurant for dinner and i didn't have patient to wait for table to be free. Next restaurant same: he left saying it's full like before. Finally I chose the restaurant which was thankfully empty but then argument flared over the menu. I could sense his annoyance and i couldn't just stand there doing nothing about it. I spoke of it and we ended up discussing (not heated and loud one: it was more controlled and measured one) and evaluating whole scenario each trying to seek answer out of it. It must have been a perfect drama scene for waiter wondering what these two boys are discussing about.

Yes, dinner was little cold but at least we ate with smile! 

nothing much!

The clock is about to strike and signal beginning of new day. My heart is racing for this new day. Something big is going to happen tomorrow.. well not that big but i am excited about it anyway.

Came back from a awesome weekend outing with Erik. Every moment i spend with him makes me realise how hopeless i am becoming about him. Overall this weekend was crazy weekend. Hope such moments continue to come and surprises us everyday in good way.

New year: new hopes

New year came with new beginning. For the first time, we went out of Kathmandu (with friends of course) and had quiet good time. After unsuccessful but stressful visa attempt, we realized we needed some break and new year came as an opportunity. So we began this year by doing: rafting, roaming around the beautiful city of Pokhara and knowing each other even more!
About the visa, there are some silver lining. Hopefully we can use that opportunity and see where it takes us.

On another note, i have been buying so many books recently. I have got at least 4 and still haven't finished the old ones. I seriously need to get back to my books!

P.S. he has promised next weekend is all about us. Let's see what he cooks up. Update, for sure :-)

Impressing people!

Suddenly I have lost enough weight to make people stop and scream 'Oh my god, you have lost so much of weight'. I kinda noticed my loss of weight while posing for pic with Erik. I looked small in that pic. Anyways, my mission is now to eat more and get that few flab as soon as possible.

The parents are somewhere up in the Himalayas and so is he. They will come back this week and I have to show them around the city. Right now, i am trying to understand his culture and history by reading the book his parents got for me. Lesson no. 1: I shouldn't try my little Spanish with his dad but use one Basque word saying hello. I need to look at my copy to remember how its written and pronounced. As i was trying to remember how to say hello, AK reminded me that i have to get something for them which had completely missed my mind. Now i am in total loss about what should i be getting for them? Probably a shawl for mom but what for dad? I have no freaking idea. Need to ask around. If you have any suggestion, feel free to drop one :-)

If everything goes right and we feel really comfortable, i could be moving in with him before this autumn. Fingers crossed. When he told me i could move in with him, I gave him warning word saying 'be really careful of what you wish for'. hahaha i sounded so evil when i said so. But if that's likely to happen, then me coming out to my mom will happen earlier than that. Even if not permanently moving in, i will live with him for few weeks to months helping him to settle down. This will happen for sure. But everything hangs with big IF.

That's all i have for now. Excited about day after tomorrow!!!

Dinner at RG

Finally the day arrived when we met again.... almost more than 45 days of painful wait. And who he brought to my house? His mother for sure! Well all my Spanish classes went poof and i ended up struggling with easy words so that his mother and I could talk. But we did manage to talk about so many things including her X-BF of long time ago, her childhood, erik's family and what not, ending our talk with political situation :-)

Seeing him made me realize how much i love him and when i heard those words from him, all my worries just vanished somewhere. His mom and my family met.... had a wonderful dinner together. They spend night at my place. Holding him in my arms gave me the happiness probably i will struggle to find anywhere. Spend a whole day roaming with him and his mother ending the day with dinner.

I am just in cloud no. 9 now.

More later, Promise!

someone's coming!

guess who is coming? Of course, there is no difficult answer to that. My BF is coming back after 8 nights! yay :)

but sadly, i will be going before he comes and won't be able to see him until another 8 days. how pity is that? And there goes my plan poof to spend few nights with his mom and him at pokhara!

But still i am happy, my depression era is finally coming to an end and this period has made me realise i am not as mature as i used to think i was...but have also taught me lesson to be patient.

Love you!

travel and the test

He is travelling... to the paradise! I am just getting jealous seeing his pictures and descriptions. The sea, sand and the sun: how much I wish for. Hopefully together we can make it this year, leaving behind something that both of us can cherish for long time to come. Another wishlist, but who knows when dream come true after all.

I am travelling,.... to the slave land. Well i am travelling for work, so i called it so. no other meanings. But good thing, i will be meeting AK :)

Since last few weeks, i have been contemplating of going for HIV test. Of course, I am kinda nervous. I asked AK if his hospital offers the service and we had a length of talk on the issue. He is scared about the test even more than I am. His point is, 'I have always been careful so I don't think I have to worry and but still about going for test I am scared'. But I told him, a test would never do bad. Denial is the biggest hurdle we all have to face. Coming back to me, have i been careful enough? Mistakes have happened but they were the ones I trusted, at time more than myself. But in this today's world, can just a trust hold everything together? I must go and get tested, I know that. Probably after coming back from the trip. Strange, the fear is trying to shimmer deep down somewhere.

Hopefully I won't be that stupid in coming days! Safety comes first :P

Ending my crazy head's story with a joke.

Rate how bad was your breakup on the scale of:
1 - Adele.

hahaha :P

just a potpourri

I seriously wish I were a time traveler. I miss him so badly even though i was pretty prepared for this. As A said I am reading more than i should in these last few days.

Have lost considerable weight compared to 2 months back. No, it's not because of his departure (well probably partly, yes) but now i have decided i need to gain some kgs before everyone says 'you have become too skinny'. And did I tell you i have turned into veggie now. Well probably my friends think it's because of him (he is also one) but no it has nothing to do with him. Just felt like i am having too much of negative thought, probably time has come for detoxification by avoiding meat, as in meat form. So there I go, a veggie for few weeks and lets see where it goes. Of course i could see disappointment in my mother's face.

All good things must come to an end.

Has time come for this one as well? I am just wondering.

Thinking…..thinking… crazy stories in my head but hey, I am getting some leads from you too.

Do I want to talk about it to anyone? What next after the talks? Does it even matter talking about it? Probably a smile would do better than the tears.

Pain of distance. Hardly 5 days and everything is shaking. In my head or in reality: still confused.

When reality and dreams fuse together: all you are left with is confusion. Probably some dreams remain dream only!

Also why things have to be so complicated? Is it us who make it so or it's indeed a complication?

Can anyone answer? Hello????

31 days more to find out the answers!

Goodbye, at least for few weeks!

Hey Erik, Goodbye...
                            For another 37 days.........
                                                                   Reminding one chilling reality
All this could be permanent...........

Sooner or later!

Yes, he is gone to explore the South-East Asia.

And suddenly i feel empty. Like a fisherman who throws his fishnet hoping to get some fish with high hopes but realizes it has nothing but it's own thread. I am like that fisherman at this moment. Of course, you call me fisherman anyway!

I didn't want to see you go inside that departure gate, so i said bye and last time i saw you, you were waiting in line, wondering what lies ahead. At this moment while I am writing this post, probably you are wondering around the streets of Bangkok, checking stuffs and what not. Devil inside me often gets worried of the encounter that lies ahead but the magical 3 words that you spoke while saying me bye soothes 'halo' side of me. Does everyone feel that same evil sense of insecurity even though you know the person you are seeing off would be back to you as you bid adieu (hopefully, see i am that skeptical) or accept that fact that whatever happens in travel days, stays with the past?

After seeing him off at the airport, came back to join the gang for a hindi romcom movie. The movie for sure reminded me of you. Bad idea to see romantic movie hahaha but hey, i enjoyed it though! Apart from the movie, after a month again i learned riding the bike. Last time i learned was the day I met you. After brushing up some of my driving skills, i had gone to Prash's house. He and his GF were busy with some gadget when i saw you online and started talking. Remembering that day now I  laugh at how we ended up meeting in next one hour or so. I was surprised when you responded to my coffee offer with 'now', so I said Prash that i am going home. Later he was mad at me for lying to him but hey, i did go to home  before coming to meet you.  I had never imagined we would kick off so soon and things could go to this level.

Things happen for good reason! :)

wishing for world without the borders

First post of Month of Love. Makes me wonder how would the future folds in. How lucky would i be in love?

Currently out of the valley, far away from Erik. for work. And he is going away on Saturday. He said, 'I felt so bad that i am leaving you for 40 days but then realised it might not be that long given the situation i might not be able to live with you for 7 months a year'.

What if the world was a home, where borders are not demarcated and where no visa was needed to travel and live?

His mom is excited about us and will be here soon. I hope i could impress her, making her realise i am the best choice he ever made :-)