Setting up new life

So after few tears, more talks, little sigh, more sadness: I am slowly unpacking my life. I didn't expect this will bring tears to my mom. I had had talk with her before and she had said 'OK' but then i realise she thought I was joking but sadly i was not. But still my conversation with her is not completely true. I said 5-7 months but i didn't tell her it would long, i don't know how long. I wonder what would be the scenario if i say it's a long term decision but only thing i am doing is: not being entirely honest. May be i am afraid to confess, may be i am too afraid to be true. Trying to protect my own image as 'Good Son'. See i could be that dirty!

Anyways, about moving in.....Every time  I meet friend of mine, s/he asks me 'have you moved in yet?' to which i reply not yet. This is not a whole truth however. have we got everything we need for our room? Nope. Have we started living in, well sort of yes. This whole week, we were at our new place. But man, for all those who are planning to move in together, it's not an easy task, especially if you are setting up entirely everything new. It becomes worse when one of you is bohemian when it comes to shopping and another is the perfectionist.

I admit, I have serious shopping disorder. I get panic attack if i have to go to three shops to buy one thing and end up choosing whatever shopkeeper thrust in my hand. And Erik has everything envisioned. What colour or pattern he wants in carpet, what type of cooking ware he is looking for, dinner plates etc. And I am, 'lets see, this is nice. let's get it' kinda person. Hence, he feels he is tired of taking decision and i feel i am tired of judging between the white and creamy white. Result: both of us getting angry and irritated at each other. One point I even asked him: 'Do you think this way you can even pass one year with me?' To which he replied that once everything is settled, there is no need of shopping for long time which means no fights because of shopping list and no tantrums meaning he sees us together for not just one year or five but beyond for longer period. Fingers crossed.

So now you understand why there is no frequent posts. I am setting up and taking time. But i promise, i will be here!

Y no tell me about your orientation?

Bang: it came without any warning. I knew this day would come and we will have conversation about my orientation. But I didn't expect it to happen this way.
I was working on my mid-year performance review and she popped in. And she directly asked me about my relationship status on fb and I admitted. She asked me how different is it and i replied it's not different that the ones i had with girl (yes, long time ago). Suddenly in very eccentric way, we engaged in discussion of my orientation. Whenever people ask me about it, I am dumb. Not because i don't know, because I don't like labeling myself expect strictly required. For every work I do, it's my brain and talent works not my sexual orientation. So i prefer to sell my talent rather than my orientation unless i am specifically asked. Anyways, back to the topic: we briefly mused about my orientation.

With promise to talk more about later, we ended our conversation.

And my boss left me little disoriented, little restless, little lost.

what's there to hide?

After we went public on facebook with our relationship,  i wonder what's there to hide and be ''anonymous'' here? But i guess the fun is I am being anonymous to Erik himself. (big green laughter). Yes i haven't told him about this blog and i don't intend to. If i did, then what's fun in whining about him sometimes. So you might be wondering, reactions to being public?

Strange people are not brave enough to ask question to the concerned even if they are dying with curiosity. But yes my friends got lot of quizzes and questions: at one point one of my friends told me 'pay me to be your personal assistant' to which i replied 'tell them, our policy do not allow to talk about private/personal issues. Please refer to fb post for any of your queries'. It would be fun :P Anyways, those who chose to ask me, I am telling them 'YES'. 

How do i feel about it? Calm, Peace and happy. But still I haven't got the guts to spill out to mom and Erik says 'I don't think your mom views me as your just friend'. Wish i could tell her ASAP but probably before we make another giant move.

Apart from getting inner peace in telling the world, another  light is seen at the end of the tunnel, finally. Erik's visa seems to be in reach. He has enrolled in university and now he will get letter from the university  (tomorrow to be precise), requesting Education ministry to write another recommendation to Immigration for visa. Hopefully without any fuss, Immigration will give him visa for one year. After all, he got no objection letter from his consulate easily unlike last time. Another weird thing is, apparently TU never ask such 'no objection letter' for other students but to Spanish. Confusing bureaucracy. 

Impressing people!

Suddenly I have lost enough weight to make people stop and scream 'Oh my god, you have lost so much of weight'. I kinda noticed my loss of weight while posing for pic with Erik. I looked small in that pic. Anyways, my mission is now to eat more and get that few flab as soon as possible.

The parents are somewhere up in the Himalayas and so is he. They will come back this week and I have to show them around the city. Right now, i am trying to understand his culture and history by reading the book his parents got for me. Lesson no. 1: I shouldn't try my little Spanish with his dad but use one Basque word saying hello. I need to look at my copy to remember how its written and pronounced. As i was trying to remember how to say hello, AK reminded me that i have to get something for them which had completely missed my mind. Now i am in total loss about what should i be getting for them? Probably a shawl for mom but what for dad? I have no freaking idea. Need to ask around. If you have any suggestion, feel free to drop one :-)

If everything goes right and we feel really comfortable, i could be moving in with him before this autumn. Fingers crossed. When he told me i could move in with him, I gave him warning word saying 'be really careful of what you wish for'. hahaha i sounded so evil when i said so. But if that's likely to happen, then me coming out to my mom will happen earlier than that. Even if not permanently moving in, i will live with him for few weeks to months helping him to settle down. This will happen for sure. But everything hangs with big IF.

That's all i have for now. Excited about day after tomorrow!!!

just a potpourri

I seriously wish I were a time traveler. I miss him so badly even though i was pretty prepared for this. As A said I am reading more than i should in these last few days.

Have lost considerable weight compared to 2 months back. No, it's not because of his departure (well probably partly, yes) but now i have decided i need to gain some kgs before everyone says 'you have become too skinny'. And did I tell you i have turned into veggie now. Well probably my friends think it's because of him (he is also one) but no it has nothing to do with him. Just felt like i am having too much of negative thought, probably time has come for detoxification by avoiding meat, as in meat form. So there I go, a veggie for few weeks and lets see where it goes. Of course i could see disappointment in my mother's face.

not many posts

Blame my boyfriend not me.

Around 3 weeks and we both are hopelessly fallen for eachother. Hence, not much time for updating the blog. But I promise i will be regular, just give me some time :)

Buttery Butter and the Boring one

One thing about being single and not committed is: you can meet many people, explore around and see if there is any chance of finding someone compatible to you. When I say compatible, I mean someone who can understand your joke, share similar interest or at least know what you are talking about, even if I have no idea of his interest but have oratory skills to make it sound exciting and interesting. One of my friend calls it my standard and since my standard is pretty much high (according to him), it would be difficult for me to find someone matching it unless I downgrade my standards. But i wonder what my standards are: searching for someone who has brains and ways to express them, is this too much to ask? Well, looks matter but not always. Hmm is this the reason why I am single? Food for thought for sure.

crazy, stupid love

I admit, I am afraid of love or is it commitment? Or is it committed love? Isn't there some love with no commitments? But then what's the point of being in love? The idea of loving someone crazy is scary. Please note that when I say crazy, it doesn't mean being pagal and shouting "kkkkkkkkk kiran" but loving someone so much that nothing matters except that person. My friends say and I admit, probably I love myself like that and wouldn't love anyone else putting myself at risk for that person. When I was in relationship, I always tried to stay away from those possible candidates who would be crazy, stupid lovers. I feel suffocated, yes i am that dork. I need space in my relationship, need air to breathe and time to evaluate where I am heading. But that doesn't mean I look for others. Probably when i was young and wild, I would have done so but now nothing else matters if I have that elusive crazy love (read is metaphorically, this line is just to indicate my firm commitment to monogamous relationship). But now I am single, sometimes i wish for such love. I wish for someone who would stand by me, forever and always. Not clutching to me but standing by me.

But Pooh (have i introduced her? Well she is the darling. My friend since i started learning alphabets) has to say that such person is right in front of me but i am looking for something else. Today when I was pretty lost in my failure to do work i was supposed to, she asked me about Mosby. Yes, nowadays i talk a lot about him, at least here. She reminded me he is hopelessly falling for me and I am turning my eyes blind to that. Yes, he calls me at least twice (since last few days) from his home country and tries to be updated of my life and updates his stories as well. Pooh had to point out that if he wasn't that serious about me why would he call me everyday? Like always I reminded her about my refusal to be committed in relationship and branded my relationship with Mosby as a friend with benefits. But she did favor by reminding me that being together is always not about sex but more than that and I have liberty to fool around but not hurt someone else's dream. Now is there anything I can do? Every time we  had some intimate moment, I have reminded Mosby of reality and he cuts me short saying "Yes, Yes I know it's just friends and nothing more. I understand and I am okay with it". Phew! I wonder when I fall for helplessly would that person respond me the same way I am responding to Mosby? If that happens, how will i take it. I am that bad, you see :(

One day, two day... who counts anyway :)

I am supposed to finish my self-evaluation but here I am, blank as a white sheet and wondering what did I do last 12 months and how should I project it. I got few more days to finish it but there are other equally important works piling up at my desk and I helplessly look at them and tell them "soon baby, soon".

Morning began in all glory. Woke up, did some exercises, took photo of myself and noticed by abs are not that bad either but agreed I need hard workout. Reached office with excitement and then the cold killed everything. Yes temperature has gone down and my mind just froze. Being more and more worried about my own shape (everyone becomes, not only gay.... so stop being judgemental :P) I decided to avoid rice. One time rice is enough for me, I declared to myself so called my friends and told them I would join them for lunch. When I reached there, order was already done and voilà it's Spaghetti for me. I thought, all right one last time. But seeing the order they have made, I was mortified and wondered can we finish it? Can WE?

But at the end we did :)

After lunch, I thought I would again push myself for finishing the work I am supposed to. But I just can't concentrate. So I am trying to make my own list of sexiest men alive hahahaha. Your list sucks People's Mag. lol

Of course don't want to post all the list now and make you confused. Probably I should do one person at one post. How about that? Yes, I will end my future posts (not all, be warned) with the person I find so HOT hahahahaha. So here goes first person to make in my list :)

Prince Harry.

If you ask me, he is one of the hottest ginger (sorry about the word) alive in the world. He is wild, he is nasty and centre of controversy. Not because of these reasons, he made to my list but because if you closely look at him, he has that rare mixture of innocence and good looks. He is simply HOT hahahaha. Sometimes I do wonder about his sexual orientation lol. Btw Did I share my dream about him? During one of my travel I saw a dream. Apparently he had come to our home nation and we had dinner together. No idea how did i end up in royal list lol. But speak of the devil, next day paper had his story of willingness to ascent Everest and for that he might pop here during March, April. Truth or rumour, only he knows. Sometimes brain works in such a funny way.

postcard

Have you ever received handwritten postcards? Well don't think about our school days when we used to give postcards of Bollywood actors to wish our friends and teacher Happy Dashain or Happy New Year. I meant, from someone who is grown up and though there is an option of sending email, s/he sends you Post Card?
Mosby had sent me postcards while he was in  Kathmandu. No, I didn't receive them. He was surprised that I hadn't got any postcards. It turns out he sent me 4 postcards while he was in Kathmandu, one from Hong Kong and one from mainland China. I haven't got any of them. I asked around to see if something has arrived in our PBO and good news is, there is something in PBO. My office guy is going to collect today and I hope that's my card.  As far as I could remember, I have never ever received postcard from anyone and like a kid I am pretty excited about it. :)
Continuing with Mosby, seems he had awful homecoming experience. When his plane was landing at HK, there was some turbulences which made him sweat and have difficulty in breathing and headache. Since he was coming back from Nepal, a bird flu affected country, and shows symptoms somewhat similar to the virus, he was quarantined at the airport, medical checks were done and without allowing him to enter HK, he was directly sent to Mainland. No, it wasn't bird flu and he is recovering well. Sometimes life's funny and puts you in such a awkward situation. Probably  Mosby felt same at that time!

P.S. Starting today i began doing some exercises till i join the club. I will not let my laziness overtake me this time (fingers crossed :P). Hopefully, we do that soon :D

till then, goodbye!

2012 has already knocked at my door. Yes, I am 3 days late to say "Happy New Year" but does it matter by how many days i am late? Anyways, felt like looking back 2011. It has defined me, gave me courage and made me strong. This is the year I will always remember for gathering courage to speak out my story to my friends and my sisters. This is the year I will always remember for meeting some awesome people including AK. This is the year I will always remember for some lost love. Finished my Masters (dissertation is there, but i can still say i did it :P), got my dog and made me hopeful of my future and my happiness.

Few things I look forward in 2012:
Probably Love. I am afraid of commitments and all but still I wish to have someone beside me who actually understand me and vows to be there when i need most. Yes, I would do same.
One more overseas trip with friends. We had made this pact that we would go somewhere Sun and Sand to celebrate the bachelor's party. Hopefully one of my friend would fly from Europe and we fly down from Himalayas to sea and beach, laughing...shouting... drinking....and enjoying the bond like never before. Fingers crossed!
Upgrade in career: Well who doesn't want this? But probably I should start looking for some international positions so that I could travel faraway lands, working and saving some money :P
Buy one book a month: Yes, this is my resolution i made in the morning actually. I got one book yesterday which i wanted so badly.... Murakami. I am trying to convince another friend to do so :D
Join the gym, get back to shape. Learn French and say "Bonjour ... Aimeriez-vous avoir un dîner avec moi?"

This are few things I hope to happen with me. Lets see, how the year unfolds. Till then, goodbye 2011. :)

Oh my! Awesomeness.

After low yesterday, today was awesome day. History is mystery so probably its better not to talk about what went wrong yesterday. But of course, i can recount countless times what went right today.

Woke up early morning and i did the unthinkable. I actually turned on the computer and got connected. I am always too lazy to use internet in the morning but i did, that too for good reason. One guy had followed me on my twitter (Yes i tweet, No i won't reveal it here. Sue me :P) and he messaged me or say he DM me. And i started writing back and i knew somewhere he is gay too. So I started to hit on him, which i never do from my twitter ID. And he called me he never thought I am so flirty. I was surprised. Later he told me that he used to come to same coffee store where i used to hang out a year back (before they got closed). Of course i never noticed him and that's what he told me in a bit sad tone but he used to find me very sojho and good guy. Suddenly i felt so good that there are some people who notice me. Now you tell me how many people notice you in coffee shop and talk about it a year later? He even called me on my cell phone hehe. He is super cute btw but sadly now in some foreign countries for education. I wonder even if i had noticed him, would i have managed to get his contact details? Probably i would have sang  'you are beautiful' by James Blunt and gone back home :P Anyways that prove how bad i am in observation skills. Now surely CIA or RAW or KGB will never ever hire me. :D

Later in the evening, went to meet my friends. We met, made big noise and had so much halla. We laughed so much remembering our friday misadventure when 3 of us got totally wasted. When i meant totally, I meant TOTALLY. Also other fun and masalas were of course added to the topics of talks. So there went my fun filled evening.
After coming back home, i saw that I have been awarded 'The Liebster Blog Award' by KGB. No, she is not KGB spy agent from Russia hehe but one of the awesome bloggers i have read and seen. I wonder if i met her, we will have no problem becoming friends unless I become too stupid :P Yes I am obliged to follow the rules but holding back for a while. Tears of joy need time to settle down after all haha :D

So this is how my awesome day went.

P.S. calls from AK and skype chat with another friend also of course added value to the day. 

sometimes i hate myself

i thought i was avoiding you........ but ended up sleeping with you.

now you tell me, how pathetic i am. Good thing, you are going away for few months. (please boss, approve his travel plan)

free falling

Last 2 weeks had been quiet hectic. Constant travelling across the country, never ending wait at the airport. The unplanned strike that affected our work, but still finding way out to do at least something of what we were supposed to do. But the trip ended the best way it ever could have become. I went to another city in the east and met my friend AK. We hung out, watched movie, slept under the sun, went out to the awesome bar (mind you, we made it awesome), had wonderful time. Those 2 days were one of the best days of recent times.

Some of my friends do ask me about the chances of AK and I having relationship which sounds very flimsy. He is such a wonderful person. Probably if we hadn't met when I was in relationship or later he being in  relationship, probably things could have hit off. But now though I am single, though he is single, things haven't got any chance to move forward. Now i guess we have become more as a friend than anything else could have been. But the idea of us being together does make butterflies in my stomach and I laugh at my own silliness.

In another development, Mosby is angry with me. Why? because I did all it takes to avoid him. I always pretended (at times it was true) i am busy with work and all. And now he is angry that I didn't give him even 10 minutes but i have all the time to go for movie or dinner with friends. So I have agreed to go out to dinner with him tonight. Seriously, I am a bitch!

waiting

Yesterday was different, different because I spend whole day at the airport: waiting. No i wasn't at transit. I was at the west corner of the country and from there I had to fly to capital and again fly to the east corner. Finally we flew at 12, the flight was scheduled at 10.30. After reaching the capital airport, spent next several hours hoping we could make it. Finally they announced the flight, took us inside the plane, made us wait for another half an hour or more. And announced cancellation of flight: thanks to the bloody weather.
After managing seat in first flight next day, I was out of the airport, Thanks to the party which feels proud to be called beacon of democracy and freedom, there was strike. Apparently one of it's cadre who is involved in so much of criminal activities died after the injuries he suffered during brawl inside the jail were greater. The airport taxis were not around and normal taxi never could make it to airport. So we were there, stranded and with no idea how to go home and it was already dark. Finally i managed to convince one driver after agreeing to pay hefty amount. Probably i paid 100 rs per km or even more than that. I was glad to be home in the evening!

And today is no different. Again here i am, at the same airport and doing exactly same thing: waiting. My flight which was supposed to fly at 9 is still not showing any sight of flying and it;s almost 11 now. They cite weather conditions for the delay. No matter what the reasons are, the fact is i have turned out o  be the waiting traveler who has no where to go hahaha. Well i just added 'no where' for my own fun. :P

Except this waiting round, things are as they were before. One night Sid messaged asking me to call right away. I found out there is someone who is using my photo to hook up. I felt kinda nice that people have started using my photo but AK had different idea. He thought it could be Sid himself. I am not panicked that my photo is making round but i felt pity for the person who is doing so (if that's true). What if he found the perfect guy and wrong use of photo would just kill everything that could be a reality. Nevertheless, Sid had sent me all the phone no. but I am too tired to call and threaten him. 

Search

Reading story by someone you know: suddenly you start to look if you are there in bits and pieces. Same thing happened today as i kept on reading and searching myself there. To some extent, i found myself there but in obscure way.

Was out and running out of the story: hence no more blog posts in last week. Don't have any story now as well. Just that I feel I am giving Mosby a false dream and trying to repair that. How, i don't know. Avoiding him wouldn't do good i guess which i had thought I would do. I had told him I won't be in the city for 3 weeks and will manage to meet only during Xmas. This wasn't totally wrong, I would be here for 2 and half days between that period which i didn't mention him. Then I felt bad for him and ultimately told him I am back. Hastily he asked out for dinner which I decline not because I didn't want that because I felt I was too tired. Later I turned down dinner plan with my own friends as well. But probably I will meet him for dinner tomorrow. Let's see.
The reason I am trying to get away from him is: I don't feel anything for him and his feelings are getting more stronger. He was telling about his dinner plan with one guy who helped him at the airport and I teased him saying I won't mind if they end up in bed but he laughed and said He would mind, not because that guy is not hot but because he wants to be with me only. That awkward moment and you don't know how to react: Yes i had that moment. I am really scared things might just go out of the hand leaving him bruised and blue. Any ideas except the idea suggested by AK?

More travel plans coming up. Would be travelling to the west of the country and with few hours of layover at the capital again will fly to the eastern part. Hopefully the year will end in high note, finding that thing I am searching for!

One place i always love to be

Can you guess where it is??

Off the list

Few things that i want to do before i die.

• Bungy Jump
• Paragliding
• Rafting
• Sky Diving
• Scuba Diving
• et. al.

looking for Escapology

You think you have moved on. You have closed that chapter. You are confident that if you ever have any encounter, you can just behave things never became sour.
But when you see him, suddenly you feel weak. Suddenly thousand thoughts race through your mind. You behave like it's just another normal random day but you heart knows how vulnerable and afraid you are. After you say bye and hundreds of questions arises.

Deep down, you feel and know that in some way, still you heart races towards him.

Blind Date

Have you ever gone on a blind date? I would have freaked out earlier. No names known, no photo exchanged, no information shared except few even that could be untrue. Who knows, your blind date could turn out to be completely opposite of what you except or could be a real stalker.

So today, I was on meeting then my phone beeped with message from one guy. I had heard only of that app that lets know people around based on location. So just out of curiosity i had installed the app and had left it on after seeing how it works and who are around. This guy messaged me and we had few talks. Then I had to run to another meeting, so i asked if he could give me his no. so that I can call later. For the first time,  i got NTC no from someone. Whenever I receive NCELL no, i feel like proxy no. So we exchanged our no. and I rushed to meeting. After 2 hours, i got his message saying he was waiting for the call. I finished my meeting and called him back. He was in British Council, preparing for his IELTS. We talked for a while and found out he is a Doc. and trying to go to abroad for further studies. Out of no where, without thinking anything, I just said lets meet. He was also fine with the idea. While travelling to the date, many funny thoughts came in my mind. It was my first ever blind date and so was his.

After 1 full pot of green tea and one more cup of again green tea and around 1.45 hours of talk: I felt my impulse wasn't wrong idea. We talked about so many things. While talking to him, I realized actually I am a simple, happy person with no big dreams. We shared our dreams, our hopes, our likes, our dislikes, our fun moments and all.

At the end, somewhere i felt bad about the meeting thinking about Mr. Mosby, dunno why though. But since we are not in relationship, I am a free bird.

Hope I will have some story to share about him next time. Also a lesson: sometimes blind date could be fun :)