crazy, stupid love

I admit, I am afraid of love or is it commitment? Or is it committed love? Isn't there some love with no commitments? But then what's the point of being in love? The idea of loving someone crazy is scary. Please note that when I say crazy, it doesn't mean being pagal and shouting "kkkkkkkkk kiran" but loving someone so much that nothing matters except that person. My friends say and I admit, probably I love myself like that and wouldn't love anyone else putting myself at risk for that person. When I was in relationship, I always tried to stay away from those possible candidates who would be crazy, stupid lovers. I feel suffocated, yes i am that dork. I need space in my relationship, need air to breathe and time to evaluate where I am heading. But that doesn't mean I look for others. Probably when i was young and wild, I would have done so but now nothing else matters if I have that elusive crazy love (read is metaphorically, this line is just to indicate my firm commitment to monogamous relationship). But now I am single, sometimes i wish for such love. I wish for someone who would stand by me, forever and always. Not clutching to me but standing by me.

But Pooh (have i introduced her? Well she is the darling. My friend since i started learning alphabets) has to say that such person is right in front of me but i am looking for something else. Today when I was pretty lost in my failure to do work i was supposed to, she asked me about Mosby. Yes, nowadays i talk a lot about him, at least here. She reminded me he is hopelessly falling for me and I am turning my eyes blind to that. Yes, he calls me at least twice (since last few days) from his home country and tries to be updated of my life and updates his stories as well. Pooh had to point out that if he wasn't that serious about me why would he call me everyday? Like always I reminded her about my refusal to be committed in relationship and branded my relationship with Mosby as a friend with benefits. But she did favor by reminding me that being together is always not about sex but more than that and I have liberty to fool around but not hurt someone else's dream. Now is there anything I can do? Every time we  had some intimate moment, I have reminded Mosby of reality and he cuts me short saying "Yes, Yes I know it's just friends and nothing more. I understand and I am okay with it". Phew! I wonder when I fall for helplessly would that person respond me the same way I am responding to Mosby? If that happens, how will i take it. I am that bad, you see :(

postcard

Have you ever received handwritten postcards? Well don't think about our school days when we used to give postcards of Bollywood actors to wish our friends and teacher Happy Dashain or Happy New Year. I meant, from someone who is grown up and though there is an option of sending email, s/he sends you Post Card?
Mosby had sent me postcards while he was in  Kathmandu. No, I didn't receive them. He was surprised that I hadn't got any postcards. It turns out he sent me 4 postcards while he was in Kathmandu, one from Hong Kong and one from mainland China. I haven't got any of them. I asked around to see if something has arrived in our PBO and good news is, there is something in PBO. My office guy is going to collect today and I hope that's my card.  As far as I could remember, I have never ever received postcard from anyone and like a kid I am pretty excited about it. :)
Continuing with Mosby, seems he had awful homecoming experience. When his plane was landing at HK, there was some turbulences which made him sweat and have difficulty in breathing and headache. Since he was coming back from Nepal, a bird flu affected country, and shows symptoms somewhat similar to the virus, he was quarantined at the airport, medical checks were done and without allowing him to enter HK, he was directly sent to Mainland. No, it wasn't bird flu and he is recovering well. Sometimes life's funny and puts you in such a awkward situation. Probably  Mosby felt same at that time!

P.S. Starting today i began doing some exercises till i join the club. I will not let my laziness overtake me this time (fingers crossed :P). Hopefully, we do that soon :D

sometimes i hate myself

i thought i was avoiding you........ but ended up sleeping with you.

now you tell me, how pathetic i am. Good thing, you are going away for few months. (please boss, approve his travel plan)

free falling

Last 2 weeks had been quiet hectic. Constant travelling across the country, never ending wait at the airport. The unplanned strike that affected our work, but still finding way out to do at least something of what we were supposed to do. But the trip ended the best way it ever could have become. I went to another city in the east and met my friend AK. We hung out, watched movie, slept under the sun, went out to the awesome bar (mind you, we made it awesome), had wonderful time. Those 2 days were one of the best days of recent times.

Some of my friends do ask me about the chances of AK and I having relationship which sounds very flimsy. He is such a wonderful person. Probably if we hadn't met when I was in relationship or later he being in  relationship, probably things could have hit off. But now though I am single, though he is single, things haven't got any chance to move forward. Now i guess we have become more as a friend than anything else could have been. But the idea of us being together does make butterflies in my stomach and I laugh at my own silliness.

In another development, Mosby is angry with me. Why? because I did all it takes to avoid him. I always pretended (at times it was true) i am busy with work and all. And now he is angry that I didn't give him even 10 minutes but i have all the time to go for movie or dinner with friends. So I have agreed to go out to dinner with him tonight. Seriously, I am a bitch!

Search

Reading story by someone you know: suddenly you start to look if you are there in bits and pieces. Same thing happened today as i kept on reading and searching myself there. To some extent, i found myself there but in obscure way.

Was out and running out of the story: hence no more blog posts in last week. Don't have any story now as well. Just that I feel I am giving Mosby a false dream and trying to repair that. How, i don't know. Avoiding him wouldn't do good i guess which i had thought I would do. I had told him I won't be in the city for 3 weeks and will manage to meet only during Xmas. This wasn't totally wrong, I would be here for 2 and half days between that period which i didn't mention him. Then I felt bad for him and ultimately told him I am back. Hastily he asked out for dinner which I decline not because I didn't want that because I felt I was too tired. Later I turned down dinner plan with my own friends as well. But probably I will meet him for dinner tomorrow. Let's see.
The reason I am trying to get away from him is: I don't feel anything for him and his feelings are getting more stronger. He was telling about his dinner plan with one guy who helped him at the airport and I teased him saying I won't mind if they end up in bed but he laughed and said He would mind, not because that guy is not hot but because he wants to be with me only. That awkward moment and you don't know how to react: Yes i had that moment. I am really scared things might just go out of the hand leaving him bruised and blue. Any ideas except the idea suggested by AK?

More travel plans coming up. Would be travelling to the west of the country and with few hours of layover at the capital again will fly to the eastern part. Hopefully the year will end in high note, finding that thing I am searching for!

What makes me bad boy?

That question hit me after I talked to my friend, lets call him AK, regarding Mosby. Mosby and I hung out, had some intimate moments (do you need details, i guess the word itself says more) and overall had very good time. We went to temple, movies, dinner and all a perfect date. But as i mentioned earlier, I get this feeling he is looking something substantial from me which I cannot offer him. So Mosby and I had talk about it and I made it clear that all i am looking for, at the moment, is friendship and nothing serious. I also warned him that getting addicted to me not only bad for him but for us as well. He agreed and said he understands. Coming back to talk with AK, he reminded me that he is indeed looking for that long-term thing and I could be inching forward to break his heart. He suggested me to, at least not have all those moments, which might make him fall for me, badly. Probably I might feel this that I have made things clear to Mosby but am I giving more space than required? Suddenly I start feeling panicking and thinking about slowly getting away from him. AK even suggested saying Mosby that I was cheating on my BF (which AK gladly offer to play the role) and BF found out about the fooling, result: can't see him anymore. I don't want lie to end whatever we have, probably the safest way would be slowly getting away.

Talking about dinner with Mosby, he had invited his friends. So there we were, 4 of us: 3 Chinese and me. Chinese had difficulty is expressing what they mean and I had difficulty in understanding what they are meaning. Thank god, food came on time and saved my day. I just laughed where I thought I should laugh or just gave acknowledged sign. Of course one topic of our talk was: How do Nepali moves their head often giving and surprising outsiders to understand the real meaning. 

Meet the Chinese Mosby

On 20th day since my last relationship faltered, I went out on a date. He is a Chinese guy working here for some random company. Some of my friends think its okay to go out, meet people and see the world from fresh perspective. I hope that's true, I listened to them, to myself and to the world. So finally after trotting on online dating site for a while, having some useless and stupid conversation and some interesting ones, finally it happened. We talked, first over message, then on phone. He doesn't have perfect accented English but what the hell, a coffee can do no harm. So we met and rest what happened you know the story.

So why i called him Mosby, do you watch US sitcom called How I Met Your Mother? There is this main character named Ted Mosby who falls for girl on first date ending up proclaiming how much he loved her. My Chinese Mosby (hereafter Mosby only) also showed similar characters. First date: coffee, talks, dinner, drink and more talks: His simple question left me awkward and uneasy. Do you think i have got a chance to be in a relationship with you in future? 


How was I supposed to answer? Of course i have dillydally answer but still I am amazed and surprised by Mosby. Except real Ted Mosby, who would ask such question? His gestures like meeting my friends, listening to me, trying to explain his side of the story, showing sign of jealousy over my past (wishing why he didn't meet me earlier) etc. is making me feel weird.

Here I am, barely 20 days since the end of last relationship, new guy talking about new possibilities. Am I that stupid or that lucky or that good looking? Only the future shall tell.

Yes, he keeps calling, messaging and reminding me he is out there. But the fact is, he is a foreigner and one day he will leave. Or if all these were for real, would it be a rebound thing or for real thing? Probably I should stop thinking more!

Also as my friend suggested: I should be clear from the beginning about what I want and what he can expect from me. But in the mean time, few cups of coffee won't hurt anyone. Probably coming weekend, I should take him to zoo. To show the animal side of me :D