the big hiatus

I thought i had another way out. Another medium to express. Or may be i thought there was no need. Many things happened in this past year, particularly:

1. I came out to my mother. And her reaction: i think she hates him and blames him. She handled pretty well than i thought she would but still things are not all right in the paradise. We all live together now but this is becoming a challenge to manage. She doesn't treat him well and this affects him a lot. And i become a sandwich. I don't know if its the time that needs for healing or another sage talks or separation: but she needs to learn and accept of who i am and also accept him as a part of mine.
2. Difficult year for us: it was a difficult year for us. We both have jobs and things like this or that, but stress that's coming out of everything is having impact, particularly on him, which becomes difficult to manage sometimes. How someone handles the emotions are different to each, but i feel sometimes he becomes weak in handling those negative emotions as a result we both suffer. I know he is faraway from his friends, families and et. al. and he doesn't have big circle of friends here as well which is a big source of problems as he has hardly other options to channel these emotions. Result: he expects me to lead and support him in handling which i cannot take all the load. I think this failure in expectations vs. reality often comes back to bite both of us. In addition, cultural differences still plays difficult role amongst us even after 3 years. 
3. etc:

Looking to the future: Surviving 3 years is a milestone but how long it can go on, i don't know. I mean honestly, its not like those early days when we used to feel so lovey-dovey, and often there are times when we get bored, we get bitchy and we get angry. But then there are the moments also which outshines everything bringing smiles and happiness. The main thing is: there is that passion that wants us to go forward and be there in support when needed. May be this is how married life looks like: mixture of sunny days and thunderstorms.

I wonder how people survive 30 years of marriages, i definitely need some tips.

A tale

A boy and a girl are playing in the open field; a cycle approaches them and hits the girl. The girl begins to cry and boy is very scared. One man rushes towards them, scolds the cycle and threatens of action.

The boy is walking with the man in the middle of bazar. The boy wants to eat chocolate but the man explaining what could be result of eating lot of chocolate offers him a choice: a chocolate or juice. But the boy chooses chocolate.

The same boy and the man are somewhere at the temple and the man is explaining the social context and history of architecture styles used in temples. Fascinated, the boy is listening to every account; facts, myths and legends of the history.

The man shares the secret of happiness telling availability of the choice, which mankind always had, is what makes us good or bad and making good choice always requires great deal of compassion.

Flash forward: the boy wakes up and is surprised to his the girl next to his bed. Crying the girl tells boy that the man would never come back again. Like the angle of the stories he heard, he must have fulfilled his purpose and returned back with one-way ticket.

Today, I thank that man who shaped my life and made me who I am. Happy Father's Day!

Thank you dad!

Might is right!

I should stop doubting that!

Nowadays I am being annoyed by the events that have absolutely no connection to me, even remotely. The more I read about these events, the more restless I become. Is hypocrisy so darling? I was happy when he was elected US president but then now I wonder what could have been worst if another guy had won the election. [Note that I don't have any voting rights for US nor I would get/lose any benefits or whatsoever in either scenario.] 

When my rational mind has free time to wonder, I am seeking answers to questions:

·         How can any state bypass it's own values and advocacy for transparency by eavesdropping it's own citizens? And when these are exposed, how can any state, claiming to be a guardian of democracy and freedom of expression, try to brutally supress exposure of it's wrongdoings in the name of national security? Look what's happening to us, look what happened to Snowden.

·         Is blood of Baharainian less worthy than of Libyans or Egyptians? Are their cries for freedom less important than those of other Arabs? Then why this difference? Isn't the value of freedom, democracy and equality same everywhere regardless of own interest and oils?

·         You do not give right to women even for going out alone just because they are women and you talk about supporting uprisings for democracy and freedom?

·         Who is guiltier? Manning or those exposed killing innocent Iraqis or Vietnamese or Libyans or Palestinians? If you prosecute someone for exposing wrongdoings then why not those who initiate false pretext to invade other countries initiating killings in the name of freedom and equality?

·         How can you talk about moral superiority, values and justification when you yourself helped gassing of thousands of Iranians or Vietnamese and none are ever prosecuted for that?

I am not wondering about the actions of Americans only. The list goes on; British, French, Spanish, Qataris, Saudis, Indian, Chinese…………

Do we have to be chameleon to succeed even in everyday real life of common men? Otherwise

·         How can a new billionaire talks about duty to build nation when he himself evades tax and worst of it, tries to benefit from various loopholes?

·         How can you demand right to cheat customers, adulterate food and water, immunity for wrong doing?

·         And still talk of rule of law!

Yes, hypocrisy!!!

And this happens when you have might. Rest will fall exactly where you want them to.

why don't i post regularly?

Once upon a time, a dog showed up. He thought it was cute but i wasn't ready to buy that. 'I don't want to have a dog', i said. He listened and told me to make decision. I did! And now there is 'the' conflict because that was not what he expected.

Was dog just symbol of what coming up next? Do i think of not having shared responsibility as he suggested? Too many questions but sometimes answers are the elusive ones.

When you are sad, you have plenty to rant about but then sometimes you don't.

Answers lies in question!

P.S. I hope the dog survived the night! I really do.

Circle

and the circle continues!

1. Of posting and not posting!
2. Of smiling and hiding!
3. list goes on. But it repeats, in similar pattern!

What to make out of it, no idea.

Sandwich

.........that's how i feel sometimes.

Even though I love you, i care about you and i respect your opinions, at times i hate them. Cultural differences, is this what the reason is?

I ask.

... the end!

Monsoon/Winter wedding blues

It's a marriage season. Everyone (enjoying prime of their youth life) seems to be getting married and settling down. Just rounded up two marriages (of someone who i bother to attend) and skipped some. Probably it's the age thing that is hitting my generation now. Slowly my friends have started tying the knot and it's building pressure for all of us who are still afraid of that ever-lasting promise (probably too strong statement here). Two of my close friends are readying up this fall, more will line up soon.

Once there was a time when job-hunting was in fashion. The working ones were putting pressure on others who were enjoying warm winter sun and watching hilarious episode of FRIENDS on any weekdays. That time-frame ended with all of us doing one thing or other. Some escaped to abroad with excuse of education, some remained behind rushing through 9-10. Without a clue, bang: here is the marriage season now. Probably two years down, being parent would be new fashion and those late-bloomers who are just married will feel the heat of becoming 'new dad or mom' thing.

The big question for me would be: how do i cope with this seasonal flu? Idea of tying knot is not bad actually, but just wonder about the timing and other social barriers!

unsettled me!

Something about you is unsettling me, makes me think more than i should. Trouble is you or me, i am yet to find out.

But then again, your smile and a soft kiss seems to make everything alright, at least for a while.

things like this and that

After so many days, trying to write but miserably failing. Self-censorship is bad, always. 

cheers to life

Probably when you are all right, not suffering from low moments then you got nothing much to write and hence, the blog becomes inactive. Now also i don't have much to tell or share, after all sad emotions make good stories hahaha.

We are back from our holidays. Some open secrets were revealed, promises were made. Overall except few here and there, life is wonderful. Read a lot of books in between. Finished 1Q84, The Hobbit. Read half of The Lord of the rings: The fellowship of the ring. Found Shantaram and now somewhere in the middle.
Back to home, even after 4 months of moving in, still we don't have curtains hahaha. yes, we haven't got the curtains and still we are okay :)

P.S. work is okay. 

strangers

sometimes all things don´t go well with your dream vacation. Now after uncomfortable night: here we are, like two strangers in a bed, wondering how to face the day ahead.

Life's a Barfi

One more week and we will unite again, not here in Kathmandu but somewhere in India. I am all excited and worried at same time. Travelling could be stressful at times (holidays are not always as shown in advertisements after all). Just hope it will a smooth flow. But nevertheless, idea of reuniting with him just makes butterflies in my tummy. Sometimes i wonder am i being mad in puppy love hahaha. Why i feel so, i have never ever felt so strongly about anyone. This time i have become everything i could barely imagine: possessive (not always), weak, jealous, strong ... all the emotions you could think of have taken over me at one point or another.

Whatever it is, I wish it would never end and even if we have ending, it would be a happy ending and we will always find a way to enjoy it. Just like Barfi. Yes, finally saw the movie and loved it. Loved it for it's story telling, cinematography, performances and what not. I hope we all have that strength to take things as they come and live every day with smile and happiness. Here's one more song of Barfi :)

two travels: the differences

He is away, travelling. To say 'hello mom, i am home again' and meet his friends, attend weddings and do more work for organization he is now officially working. I am here, working and waiting for end of the September. No, i don't have plans to go and wake up Green Day band. We both are meeting at Delhi in early October and explore India. Sad we couldn't make Europe trip not because they didn't give me visa, because we thought we couldn't make the trip because of various reasons and suddenly his organization agreed to give him ticket for home once a year - Early X'mas for him :)

Honestly this time i feel calm though he is not around me. Last time, i was restless from the beginning of his trip. I was unsure how his travel to Thailand and beyond would affect our relationship as that place was notorious for sex tourism and honestly i was afraid this could change whole dynamics. I wasn't trusting him entirely and i had reasons for not doing so. It had been barely a month since our first meeting and were still in phase of knowing each other. Though i trust him for his answers but I don't know what happened there entirely and i never thought of pursuing the question as well. But once he got back i realised how his feeling towards me had grown  stronger and has changed us since then. As a result; we welcomed  his parents and they loved me, we moved in and all of our friends are happy for us. Yes, sometimes we even wonder if marriage is what our next step would be; but then again we both laugh at the idea of getting married :)

This time, i am much more relaxed and happy for him. Probably it's true when he told me i am not worried and sad because i know where his loyalties and love lie. Knowing him had made me realise so many things in my life: my fears, my strength, my dreams and what not. It's not that earlier relationship didn't make me feel so, but this time intensity is just much higher and stronger. Cheesy thing to say: probably this time i am seriously involved, for the first time in my life and i am ready to experiment whatever it takes or comes on the way to find that elusive thing called happyness.  

Enough of my silly musings, about the India trip: Still not sure which part of India to visit. Planning going on, listening and asking people's opinion. Hope this would be an beginning of our travel fun. Probably it will be Rajasthan and beyond. Let's see where we end up.

how things work for the perfect world?

Last week was a whirlwind week; it began with fight and almost nearly ended with fight. Yes, living with someone is not easy task. I wonder how our parents did it for such a long time. I came home from office, hungry and slightly irritated. Erik asked me to bring dinner and I was asking him what he prefers and it irritated him. I brought chicken, not cut into pieces but a big part, and he said he do not want to eat as he can't see how chicken body parts are dismembered. Hence more irritation and more anger. And we ate dinner in silence and making up for fights afterwards but probably the bad vibes remained somewhere. With on and off irritated moments the week passed on and again it blasted off on Thursday night. Erik has developed a habit of watching a movie or documentary to go to sleep and reluctantly I agreed. As we were watching movie, like always, he began playing with his iphone not even looking at the movie much. It irritated me a lot and he had done it before as well. So I barked at him and he got pissed of. He accused me of trying to control him which further infuriated me. Both of us were irritated and angry and I went to sleep without even talking more....... wondering if we have done everything fast. He came to me, apologized, we talked, solved out and made out same night. Next day and night it was all good and then I left the town for the work.

Now I am far far away from him, before he goes away for a month to his home. Then we will meet somewhere in delhi to explore India. But the question of rushing keeps coming back in my head. Is this how everyone goes through when they are living together or is it us who are having this. Yes, life is not Disney movie with happy moments only but again sometimes you just feel why things are not near perfect.

I just hope these are phases we go through before we create magical moments. Hope for the best.

Setting up new life

So after few tears, more talks, little sigh, more sadness: I am slowly unpacking my life. I didn't expect this will bring tears to my mom. I had had talk with her before and she had said 'OK' but then i realise she thought I was joking but sadly i was not. But still my conversation with her is not completely true. I said 5-7 months but i didn't tell her it would long, i don't know how long. I wonder what would be the scenario if i say it's a long term decision but only thing i am doing is: not being entirely honest. May be i am afraid to confess, may be i am too afraid to be true. Trying to protect my own image as 'Good Son'. See i could be that dirty!

Anyways, about moving in.....Every time  I meet friend of mine, s/he asks me 'have you moved in yet?' to which i reply not yet. This is not a whole truth however. have we got everything we need for our room? Nope. Have we started living in, well sort of yes. This whole week, we were at our new place. But man, for all those who are planning to move in together, it's not an easy task, especially if you are setting up entirely everything new. It becomes worse when one of you is bohemian when it comes to shopping and another is the perfectionist.

I admit, I have serious shopping disorder. I get panic attack if i have to go to three shops to buy one thing and end up choosing whatever shopkeeper thrust in my hand. And Erik has everything envisioned. What colour or pattern he wants in carpet, what type of cooking ware he is looking for, dinner plates etc. And I am, 'lets see, this is nice. let's get it' kinda person. Hence, he feels he is tired of taking decision and i feel i am tired of judging between the white and creamy white. Result: both of us getting angry and irritated at each other. One point I even asked him: 'Do you think this way you can even pass one year with me?' To which he replied that once everything is settled, there is no need of shopping for long time which means no fights because of shopping list and no tantrums meaning he sees us together for not just one year or five but beyond for longer period. Fingers crossed.

So now you understand why there is no frequent posts. I am setting up and taking time. But i promise, i will be here!

Y no tell me about your orientation?

Bang: it came without any warning. I knew this day would come and we will have conversation about my orientation. But I didn't expect it to happen this way.
I was working on my mid-year performance review and she popped in. And she directly asked me about my relationship status on fb and I admitted. She asked me how different is it and i replied it's not different that the ones i had with girl (yes, long time ago). Suddenly in very eccentric way, we engaged in discussion of my orientation. Whenever people ask me about it, I am dumb. Not because i don't know, because I don't like labeling myself expect strictly required. For every work I do, it's my brain and talent works not my sexual orientation. So i prefer to sell my talent rather than my orientation unless i am specifically asked. Anyways, back to the topic: we briefly mused about my orientation.

With promise to talk more about later, we ended our conversation.

And my boss left me little disoriented, little restless, little lost.

Guilt

I was doing great. Making plans. Estimating costs and budgets. All the preparations for moving in with Erik. Even house hunting.

And suddenly, i feel guilty for doing all these. And end result: Now I am feeling low.

Is it my selfishness to seek happiness forgetting the culture i grew up with? Is it so bad to leave the house and  family (especially mom) and go live with someone else?  Does it mean if i leave my house for certain time, i love my family less? Do i have to sacrifice all my dreams, hope and happiness to make someone happy but not me? Is this a sign of bad son who is not afraid to seek his happiness hoping his family will be with him, be happy with him and be there with him: when he needs most or less.Or this expectation itself is faulty given the social and cultural structure here? 


But leaving house doesn't mean not going back to home. Every weekend, I will be home. Sharing my time with family. Rest days, yes i will be away from home. Live with someone else. 


But then again, someday i might leave this country for work, for other reasons. Go somewhere else seeking my own happiness. You might have your own justification, reasons, logic etc. But I will still be hunted everywhere I go, with same questions: Is it so bad to seek your happiness first? 

vacation

yes, i am vacationing now... somewhere out of kathmandu. Of course with Erik.

See you after this weekend, I promise!

the fight

The rain comes............ I wait for it with mixtures of anger and sadness. The rain drops start to fall, soaking me.... I look around, still he is nowhere. Then i got his call, asking me where I am.

After few minutes, I see him running towards me with all the things that we had bought earlier. The rain has completely drenched him from head to toe, still he is least bothered but looking for me. My anger vanishes, something warm overpowers me. I run towards him.

In the middle of the Patan, in the midst of rainfall that looks like in mood of playing cats and dogs game, I hold his hand. He looked at me, said how sorry he is, hugged me tightly and said I love you. 


All i could do was: smile at him, hug him more tightly and whisper: I love you too and I am sorry as well.


And we waited for rain to stop. 

who has got the visa?

Yay, it's Erik.

Finally he got a year long study visa.

But sadly right after it, we had a big spat on broad day light at Thamel, with everyone looking at us. But we have moved beyond that fight now, hopefully it won't repeat again!

<3 for all those who read and sympathized me during this difficult period!