Y no tell me about your orientation?

Bang: it came without any warning. I knew this day would come and we will have conversation about my orientation. But I didn't expect it to happen this way.
I was working on my mid-year performance review and she popped in. And she directly asked me about my relationship status on fb and I admitted. She asked me how different is it and i replied it's not different that the ones i had with girl (yes, long time ago). Suddenly in very eccentric way, we engaged in discussion of my orientation. Whenever people ask me about it, I am dumb. Not because i don't know, because I don't like labeling myself expect strictly required. For every work I do, it's my brain and talent works not my sexual orientation. So i prefer to sell my talent rather than my orientation unless i am specifically asked. Anyways, back to the topic: we briefly mused about my orientation.

With promise to talk more about later, we ended our conversation.

And my boss left me little disoriented, little restless, little lost.

Guilt

I was doing great. Making plans. Estimating costs and budgets. All the preparations for moving in with Erik. Even house hunting.

And suddenly, i feel guilty for doing all these. And end result: Now I am feeling low.

Is it my selfishness to seek happiness forgetting the culture i grew up with? Is it so bad to leave the house and  family (especially mom) and go live with someone else?  Does it mean if i leave my house for certain time, i love my family less? Do i have to sacrifice all my dreams, hope and happiness to make someone happy but not me? Is this a sign of bad son who is not afraid to seek his happiness hoping his family will be with him, be happy with him and be there with him: when he needs most or less.Or this expectation itself is faulty given the social and cultural structure here? 


But leaving house doesn't mean not going back to home. Every weekend, I will be home. Sharing my time with family. Rest days, yes i will be away from home. Live with someone else. 


But then again, someday i might leave this country for work, for other reasons. Go somewhere else seeking my own happiness. You might have your own justification, reasons, logic etc. But I will still be hunted everywhere I go, with same questions: Is it so bad to seek your happiness first? 

vacation

yes, i am vacationing now... somewhere out of kathmandu. Of course with Erik.

See you after this weekend, I promise!