unsettled me!

Something about you is unsettling me, makes me think more than i should. Trouble is you or me, i am yet to find out.

But then again, your smile and a soft kiss seems to make everything alright, at least for a while.

things like this and that

After so many days, trying to write but miserably failing. Self-censorship is bad, always. 

cheers to life

Probably when you are all right, not suffering from low moments then you got nothing much to write and hence, the blog becomes inactive. Now also i don't have much to tell or share, after all sad emotions make good stories hahaha.

We are back from our holidays. Some open secrets were revealed, promises were made. Overall except few here and there, life is wonderful. Read a lot of books in between. Finished 1Q84, The Hobbit. Read half of The Lord of the rings: The fellowship of the ring. Found Shantaram and now somewhere in the middle.
Back to home, even after 4 months of moving in, still we don't have curtains hahaha. yes, we haven't got the curtains and still we are okay :)

P.S. work is okay. 

strangers

sometimes all things don´t go well with your dream vacation. Now after uncomfortable night: here we are, like two strangers in a bed, wondering how to face the day ahead.

Life's a Barfi

One more week and we will unite again, not here in Kathmandu but somewhere in India. I am all excited and worried at same time. Travelling could be stressful at times (holidays are not always as shown in advertisements after all). Just hope it will a smooth flow. But nevertheless, idea of reuniting with him just makes butterflies in my tummy. Sometimes i wonder am i being mad in puppy love hahaha. Why i feel so, i have never ever felt so strongly about anyone. This time i have become everything i could barely imagine: possessive (not always), weak, jealous, strong ... all the emotions you could think of have taken over me at one point or another.

Whatever it is, I wish it would never end and even if we have ending, it would be a happy ending and we will always find a way to enjoy it. Just like Barfi. Yes, finally saw the movie and loved it. Loved it for it's story telling, cinematography, performances and what not. I hope we all have that strength to take things as they come and live every day with smile and happiness. Here's one more song of Barfi :)

two travels: the differences

He is away, travelling. To say 'hello mom, i am home again' and meet his friends, attend weddings and do more work for organization he is now officially working. I am here, working and waiting for end of the September. No, i don't have plans to go and wake up Green Day band. We both are meeting at Delhi in early October and explore India. Sad we couldn't make Europe trip not because they didn't give me visa, because we thought we couldn't make the trip because of various reasons and suddenly his organization agreed to give him ticket for home once a year - Early X'mas for him :)

Honestly this time i feel calm though he is not around me. Last time, i was restless from the beginning of his trip. I was unsure how his travel to Thailand and beyond would affect our relationship as that place was notorious for sex tourism and honestly i was afraid this could change whole dynamics. I wasn't trusting him entirely and i had reasons for not doing so. It had been barely a month since our first meeting and were still in phase of knowing each other. Though i trust him for his answers but I don't know what happened there entirely and i never thought of pursuing the question as well. But once he got back i realised how his feeling towards me had grown  stronger and has changed us since then. As a result; we welcomed  his parents and they loved me, we moved in and all of our friends are happy for us. Yes, sometimes we even wonder if marriage is what our next step would be; but then again we both laugh at the idea of getting married :)

This time, i am much more relaxed and happy for him. Probably it's true when he told me i am not worried and sad because i know where his loyalties and love lie. Knowing him had made me realise so many things in my life: my fears, my strength, my dreams and what not. It's not that earlier relationship didn't make me feel so, but this time intensity is just much higher and stronger. Cheesy thing to say: probably this time i am seriously involved, for the first time in my life and i am ready to experiment whatever it takes or comes on the way to find that elusive thing called happyness.  

Enough of my silly musings, about the India trip: Still not sure which part of India to visit. Planning going on, listening and asking people's opinion. Hope this would be an beginning of our travel fun. Probably it will be Rajasthan and beyond. Let's see where we end up.

how things work for the perfect world?

Last week was a whirlwind week; it began with fight and almost nearly ended with fight. Yes, living with someone is not easy task. I wonder how our parents did it for such a long time. I came home from office, hungry and slightly irritated. Erik asked me to bring dinner and I was asking him what he prefers and it irritated him. I brought chicken, not cut into pieces but a big part, and he said he do not want to eat as he can't see how chicken body parts are dismembered. Hence more irritation and more anger. And we ate dinner in silence and making up for fights afterwards but probably the bad vibes remained somewhere. With on and off irritated moments the week passed on and again it blasted off on Thursday night. Erik has developed a habit of watching a movie or documentary to go to sleep and reluctantly I agreed. As we were watching movie, like always, he began playing with his iphone not even looking at the movie much. It irritated me a lot and he had done it before as well. So I barked at him and he got pissed of. He accused me of trying to control him which further infuriated me. Both of us were irritated and angry and I went to sleep without even talking more....... wondering if we have done everything fast. He came to me, apologized, we talked, solved out and made out same night. Next day and night it was all good and then I left the town for the work.

Now I am far far away from him, before he goes away for a month to his home. Then we will meet somewhere in delhi to explore India. But the question of rushing keeps coming back in my head. Is this how everyone goes through when they are living together or is it us who are having this. Yes, life is not Disney movie with happy moments only but again sometimes you just feel why things are not near perfect.

I just hope these are phases we go through before we create magical moments. Hope for the best.

Setting up new life

So after few tears, more talks, little sigh, more sadness: I am slowly unpacking my life. I didn't expect this will bring tears to my mom. I had had talk with her before and she had said 'OK' but then i realise she thought I was joking but sadly i was not. But still my conversation with her is not completely true. I said 5-7 months but i didn't tell her it would long, i don't know how long. I wonder what would be the scenario if i say it's a long term decision but only thing i am doing is: not being entirely honest. May be i am afraid to confess, may be i am too afraid to be true. Trying to protect my own image as 'Good Son'. See i could be that dirty!

Anyways, about moving in.....Every time  I meet friend of mine, s/he asks me 'have you moved in yet?' to which i reply not yet. This is not a whole truth however. have we got everything we need for our room? Nope. Have we started living in, well sort of yes. This whole week, we were at our new place. But man, for all those who are planning to move in together, it's not an easy task, especially if you are setting up entirely everything new. It becomes worse when one of you is bohemian when it comes to shopping and another is the perfectionist.

I admit, I have serious shopping disorder. I get panic attack if i have to go to three shops to buy one thing and end up choosing whatever shopkeeper thrust in my hand. And Erik has everything envisioned. What colour or pattern he wants in carpet, what type of cooking ware he is looking for, dinner plates etc. And I am, 'lets see, this is nice. let's get it' kinda person. Hence, he feels he is tired of taking decision and i feel i am tired of judging between the white and creamy white. Result: both of us getting angry and irritated at each other. One point I even asked him: 'Do you think this way you can even pass one year with me?' To which he replied that once everything is settled, there is no need of shopping for long time which means no fights because of shopping list and no tantrums meaning he sees us together for not just one year or five but beyond for longer period. Fingers crossed.

So now you understand why there is no frequent posts. I am setting up and taking time. But i promise, i will be here!

Y no tell me about your orientation?

Bang: it came without any warning. I knew this day would come and we will have conversation about my orientation. But I didn't expect it to happen this way.
I was working on my mid-year performance review and she popped in. And she directly asked me about my relationship status on fb and I admitted. She asked me how different is it and i replied it's not different that the ones i had with girl (yes, long time ago). Suddenly in very eccentric way, we engaged in discussion of my orientation. Whenever people ask me about it, I am dumb. Not because i don't know, because I don't like labeling myself expect strictly required. For every work I do, it's my brain and talent works not my sexual orientation. So i prefer to sell my talent rather than my orientation unless i am specifically asked. Anyways, back to the topic: we briefly mused about my orientation.

With promise to talk more about later, we ended our conversation.

And my boss left me little disoriented, little restless, little lost.

Guilt

I was doing great. Making plans. Estimating costs and budgets. All the preparations for moving in with Erik. Even house hunting.

And suddenly, i feel guilty for doing all these. And end result: Now I am feeling low.

Is it my selfishness to seek happiness forgetting the culture i grew up with? Is it so bad to leave the house and  family (especially mom) and go live with someone else?  Does it mean if i leave my house for certain time, i love my family less? Do i have to sacrifice all my dreams, hope and happiness to make someone happy but not me? Is this a sign of bad son who is not afraid to seek his happiness hoping his family will be with him, be happy with him and be there with him: when he needs most or less.Or this expectation itself is faulty given the social and cultural structure here? 


But leaving house doesn't mean not going back to home. Every weekend, I will be home. Sharing my time with family. Rest days, yes i will be away from home. Live with someone else. 


But then again, someday i might leave this country for work, for other reasons. Go somewhere else seeking my own happiness. You might have your own justification, reasons, logic etc. But I will still be hunted everywhere I go, with same questions: Is it so bad to seek your happiness first? 

vacation

yes, i am vacationing now... somewhere out of kathmandu. Of course with Erik.

See you after this weekend, I promise!

the fight

The rain comes............ I wait for it with mixtures of anger and sadness. The rain drops start to fall, soaking me.... I look around, still he is nowhere. Then i got his call, asking me where I am.

After few minutes, I see him running towards me with all the things that we had bought earlier. The rain has completely drenched him from head to toe, still he is least bothered but looking for me. My anger vanishes, something warm overpowers me. I run towards him.

In the middle of the Patan, in the midst of rainfall that looks like in mood of playing cats and dogs game, I hold his hand. He looked at me, said how sorry he is, hugged me tightly and said I love you. 


All i could do was: smile at him, hug him more tightly and whisper: I love you too and I am sorry as well.


And we waited for rain to stop. 

who has got the visa?

Yay, it's Erik.

Finally he got a year long study visa.

But sadly right after it, we had a big spat on broad day light at Thamel, with everyone looking at us. But we have moved beyond that fight now, hopefully it won't repeat again!

<3 for all those who read and sympathized me during this difficult period!

fear of being together

Have you ever found yourself in catch-22 situation of wanting to be together with your loved one and yet same time fear of doing so? Well, I am having one of those moments. As I mentioned earlier, Erik has asked me to move in with him if everything goes well and he gets long-term visa (fingers crossed for visa). To tell you the fact, since last week he has been staying over at my place. But living together is not as easy as seeing for few hours a day. You see the worst side, best side of the person: whether you like it or not. I have this fear, what if we both got tired of eachother? Except for few outburst of irritations, we got along really well. But living together every day and night??? Hmmmmmm

Also how do i break this news to my MOM? She might be very liberal to accept me but accept the fact that her son would leave the house and go live with someone else? how would she react to the idea? How do i juggle between these two world?

Still scenario looks faraway, but it scared me for sure!

In another news, I added my super-boss on fb. She must have got spanner seeing my relationship status. lol :P I love surprising people!

what's there to hide?

After we went public on facebook with our relationship,  i wonder what's there to hide and be ''anonymous'' here? But i guess the fun is I am being anonymous to Erik himself. (big green laughter). Yes i haven't told him about this blog and i don't intend to. If i did, then what's fun in whining about him sometimes. So you might be wondering, reactions to being public?

Strange people are not brave enough to ask question to the concerned even if they are dying with curiosity. But yes my friends got lot of quizzes and questions: at one point one of my friends told me 'pay me to be your personal assistant' to which i replied 'tell them, our policy do not allow to talk about private/personal issues. Please refer to fb post for any of your queries'. It would be fun :P Anyways, those who chose to ask me, I am telling them 'YES'. 

How do i feel about it? Calm, Peace and happy. But still I haven't got the guts to spill out to mom and Erik says 'I don't think your mom views me as your just friend'. Wish i could tell her ASAP but probably before we make another giant move.

Apart from getting inner peace in telling the world, another  light is seen at the end of the tunnel, finally. Erik's visa seems to be in reach. He has enrolled in university and now he will get letter from the university  (tomorrow to be precise), requesting Education ministry to write another recommendation to Immigration for visa. Hopefully without any fuss, Immigration will give him visa for one year. After all, he got no objection letter from his consulate easily unlike last time. Another weird thing is, apparently TU never ask such 'no objection letter' for other students but to Spanish. Confusing bureaucracy. 

more than a year older...

nothing much to say!
nothing much to remember!!

The i realise it's been over a year since i started to write whatever i feel like. As i become nostalgic today then it hit me.......
shows how much i have been occupied with him. Spend last 5 days with him. Thanks to Bandh, we did nothing expect playing with the bed; sleeping, teasing, watching movies, working, yawning, laughing, fighting, loving, shouting, regretting, kissing, cooking, eating, dish-washing, talking, walking, planning, dreaming, thinking, making, reading, writing, waiting, playing, chatting, cursing, skyping, and yada, yada.....

last 5 days says: probably we can live together without much drama. As one of my friend put it: we were practicing to learn how to live together :P

Arrival of the summer

The summer is here!

Temperature has risen above 30 for sure bringing sweats everywhere :P And I don't like the idea of travelling to hot, humid place during this time. Not that i intend to go somewhere, except probably in September. If all goes well, I might say hello España. Fingers crossed for sure!

Last week, Erik and I had our emotions full on display. In summary; we had our fight. He was just irritated at something and was snapping me on everything. I had enough of it and told flatly that probably we need to have a talk, about the unseen but growing discomfort between us. As i prepared to leave, leaving him space and time to think of what his next step would be, he asked me to stay. With sadness in his eyes, he asked for forgiveness and told one cheesy line 'When i have arguments with you and then i realize how much more i love you'. I just laughed at his silly answer yet i stayed. We talked about the issue and guess we are done for good with it. And yesterday, I accidentally read his chat with his friend where he had shared that he is quiet serious about us. I just got overwhelmed. Of course i felt bad that i read it, but i felt quiet nice to know how he feels about me.

Just hope this summer brings more happiness and solutions to our probable cause of miseries including the visa!

scary moments

There comes the moment when both of you snap at eachother. Both of you try to find the reason to build your argument often leading to cold atmosphere with volley of questions, answers, disapproval and more reasons. After a while you realize, are you playing it too strong or is it he who is playing strong. Either way two types of fear crop in your head: 1. How can i spend rest of my life with such person wondering if such situations would keep arising in future and 2. what if this argument leads to a bigger argument resulting in a chaos?

He chose the restaurant for dinner and i didn't have patient to wait for table to be free. Next restaurant same: he left saying it's full like before. Finally I chose the restaurant which was thankfully empty but then argument flared over the menu. I could sense his annoyance and i couldn't just stand there doing nothing about it. I spoke of it and we ended up discussing (not heated and loud one: it was more controlled and measured one) and evaluating whole scenario each trying to seek answer out of it. It must have been a perfect drama scene for waiter wondering what these two boys are discussing about.

Yes, dinner was little cold but at least we ate with smile! 

nothing much!

The clock is about to strike and signal beginning of new day. My heart is racing for this new day. Something big is going to happen tomorrow.. well not that big but i am excited about it anyway.

Came back from a awesome weekend outing with Erik. Every moment i spend with him makes me realise how hopeless i am becoming about him. Overall this weekend was crazy weekend. Hope such moments continue to come and surprises us everyday in good way.

New year: new hopes

New year came with new beginning. For the first time, we went out of Kathmandu (with friends of course) and had quiet good time. After unsuccessful but stressful visa attempt, we realized we needed some break and new year came as an opportunity. So we began this year by doing: rafting, roaming around the beautiful city of Pokhara and knowing each other even more!
About the visa, there are some silver lining. Hopefully we can use that opportunity and see where it takes us.

On another note, i have been buying so many books recently. I have got at least 4 and still haven't finished the old ones. I seriously need to get back to my books!

P.S. he has promised next weekend is all about us. Let's see what he cooks up. Update, for sure :-)

waiting for the silver line

Seriously frustrated, angry and dismayed at my own country.

Getting permanent visa for Erik seems to be herculean task and I have no idea how we will move forward. Student visa also looks elusive at the moment driving both of us crazy! It's fucking expensive and fucking bureaucratic. Other forms of visa are also similar. Last option i had was if there could be employment visa but seems that too is fucking not easy. If marriage was the only way to ensure his visa, I would have done it without thinking twice but sadly my own fucking country doesn't even recognize my own marriage.

Looking for that silver line in these dark clouds. Yes, it's raining like crazy here and my mind is doing same dance.

P.S. sorry for using too much of F word!

Impressing people!

Suddenly I have lost enough weight to make people stop and scream 'Oh my god, you have lost so much of weight'. I kinda noticed my loss of weight while posing for pic with Erik. I looked small in that pic. Anyways, my mission is now to eat more and get that few flab as soon as possible.

The parents are somewhere up in the Himalayas and so is he. They will come back this week and I have to show them around the city. Right now, i am trying to understand his culture and history by reading the book his parents got for me. Lesson no. 1: I shouldn't try my little Spanish with his dad but use one Basque word saying hello. I need to look at my copy to remember how its written and pronounced. As i was trying to remember how to say hello, AK reminded me that i have to get something for them which had completely missed my mind. Now i am in total loss about what should i be getting for them? Probably a shawl for mom but what for dad? I have no freaking idea. Need to ask around. If you have any suggestion, feel free to drop one :-)

If everything goes right and we feel really comfortable, i could be moving in with him before this autumn. Fingers crossed. When he told me i could move in with him, I gave him warning word saying 'be really careful of what you wish for'. hahaha i sounded so evil when i said so. But if that's likely to happen, then me coming out to my mom will happen earlier than that. Even if not permanently moving in, i will live with him for few weeks to months helping him to settle down. This will happen for sure. But everything hangs with big IF.

That's all i have for now. Excited about day after tomorrow!!!

Dinner at RG

Finally the day arrived when we met again.... almost more than 45 days of painful wait. And who he brought to my house? His mother for sure! Well all my Spanish classes went poof and i ended up struggling with easy words so that his mother and I could talk. But we did manage to talk about so many things including her X-BF of long time ago, her childhood, erik's family and what not, ending our talk with political situation :-)

Seeing him made me realize how much i love him and when i heard those words from him, all my worries just vanished somewhere. His mom and my family met.... had a wonderful dinner together. They spend night at my place. Holding him in my arms gave me the happiness probably i will struggle to find anywhere. Spend a whole day roaming with him and his mother ending the day with dinner.

I am just in cloud no. 9 now.

More later, Promise!

someone's coming!

guess who is coming? Of course, there is no difficult answer to that. My BF is coming back after 8 nights! yay :)

but sadly, i will be going before he comes and won't be able to see him until another 8 days. how pity is that? And there goes my plan poof to spend few nights with his mom and him at pokhara!

But still i am happy, my depression era is finally coming to an end and this period has made me realise i am not as mature as i used to think i was...but have also taught me lesson to be patient.

Love you!

It's just a feeling?

Do you need words to reassure you how things are? If the words are not spoken, does it mean change in the dynamics of relationship?

Since last few days, I am questioning myself above questions and my heart is too confused to give me any definitive answer. Why do I ask this question, because I am feeling 'words' are what missing from our relationship.

I promise, not to initiate talk first. I promise to hold myself back and give space you require. I promise to be happy and look for exciting things.

I have been there, done that. Now when i am at receiving end, it shouldn't be that hard thing to do!

100th Post

Never imagined I would reach 100th post but here i am, writing this 100th post remembering last 99 posts full of complains, bitchings, few dreams, few happiness, few tears and what not. But this have been a helluva ride for sure. These posts have contained all those memories I have shared with my friends, amazing people and the moments i have lived. Whenever i feel low, i start reading old posts and i feel that happiness and content, these words hardly can describe.

When I started this blog in September 2011, I thought to remain anonymous  but then few people including my  friends stumbled upon it. Though my plan to be anonymous didn't work well but my plan to keep recording my emotions would keep continue. So i will try to keep it alive no matter what happens but also who has seen the future anyway? I hope i would not lose the itching of writing and keep this blog filled with what i feel about everything and anything.

But one thing i always feel is, what if i could read thoughts of another gay nepali like me? Probably i could relate more :) Just a thought! 

travel and the test

He is travelling... to the paradise! I am just getting jealous seeing his pictures and descriptions. The sea, sand and the sun: how much I wish for. Hopefully together we can make it this year, leaving behind something that both of us can cherish for long time to come. Another wishlist, but who knows when dream come true after all.

I am travelling,.... to the slave land. Well i am travelling for work, so i called it so. no other meanings. But good thing, i will be meeting AK :)

Since last few weeks, i have been contemplating of going for HIV test. Of course, I am kinda nervous. I asked AK if his hospital offers the service and we had a length of talk on the issue. He is scared about the test even more than I am. His point is, 'I have always been careful so I don't think I have to worry and but still about going for test I am scared'. But I told him, a test would never do bad. Denial is the biggest hurdle we all have to face. Coming back to me, have i been careful enough? Mistakes have happened but they were the ones I trusted, at time more than myself. But in this today's world, can just a trust hold everything together? I must go and get tested, I know that. Probably after coming back from the trip. Strange, the fear is trying to shimmer deep down somewhere.

Hopefully I won't be that stupid in coming days! Safety comes first :P

Ending my crazy head's story with a joke.

Rate how bad was your breakup on the scale of:
1 - Adele.

hahaha :P

just a potpourri

I seriously wish I were a time traveler. I miss him so badly even though i was pretty prepared for this. As A said I am reading more than i should in these last few days.

Have lost considerable weight compared to 2 months back. No, it's not because of his departure (well probably partly, yes) but now i have decided i need to gain some kgs before everyone says 'you have become too skinny'. And did I tell you i have turned into veggie now. Well probably my friends think it's because of him (he is also one) but no it has nothing to do with him. Just felt like i am having too much of negative thought, probably time has come for detoxification by avoiding meat, as in meat form. So there I go, a veggie for few weeks and lets see where it goes. Of course i could see disappointment in my mother's face.

All good things must come to an end.

Has time come for this one as well? I am just wondering.

Thinking…..thinking… crazy stories in my head but hey, I am getting some leads from you too.

Do I want to talk about it to anyone? What next after the talks? Does it even matter talking about it? Probably a smile would do better than the tears.

Pain of distance. Hardly 5 days and everything is shaking. In my head or in reality: still confused.

When reality and dreams fuse together: all you are left with is confusion. Probably some dreams remain dream only!

Also why things have to be so complicated? Is it us who make it so or it's indeed a complication?

Can anyone answer? Hello????

31 days more to find out the answers!

Goodbye, at least for few weeks!

Hey Erik, Goodbye...
                            For another 37 days.........
                                                                   Reminding one chilling reality
All this could be permanent...........

Sooner or later!

Yes, he is gone to explore the South-East Asia.

And suddenly i feel empty. Like a fisherman who throws his fishnet hoping to get some fish with high hopes but realizes it has nothing but it's own thread. I am like that fisherman at this moment. Of course, you call me fisherman anyway!

I didn't want to see you go inside that departure gate, so i said bye and last time i saw you, you were waiting in line, wondering what lies ahead. At this moment while I am writing this post, probably you are wondering around the streets of Bangkok, checking stuffs and what not. Devil inside me often gets worried of the encounter that lies ahead but the magical 3 words that you spoke while saying me bye soothes 'halo' side of me. Does everyone feel that same evil sense of insecurity even though you know the person you are seeing off would be back to you as you bid adieu (hopefully, see i am that skeptical) or accept that fact that whatever happens in travel days, stays with the past?

After seeing him off at the airport, came back to join the gang for a hindi romcom movie. The movie for sure reminded me of you. Bad idea to see romantic movie hahaha but hey, i enjoyed it though! Apart from the movie, after a month again i learned riding the bike. Last time i learned was the day I met you. After brushing up some of my driving skills, i had gone to Prash's house. He and his GF were busy with some gadget when i saw you online and started talking. Remembering that day now I  laugh at how we ended up meeting in next one hour or so. I was surprised when you responded to my coffee offer with 'now', so I said Prash that i am going home. Later he was mad at me for lying to him but hey, i did go to home  before coming to meet you.  I had never imagined we would kick off so soon and things could go to this level.

Things happen for good reason! :)

wishing for world without the borders

First post of Month of Love. Makes me wonder how would the future folds in. How lucky would i be in love?

Currently out of the valley, far away from Erik. for work. And he is going away on Saturday. He said, 'I felt so bad that i am leaving you for 40 days but then realised it might not be that long given the situation i might not be able to live with you for 7 months a year'.

What if the world was a home, where borders are not demarcated and where no visa was needed to travel and live?

His mom is excited about us and will be here soon. I hope i could impress her, making her realise i am the best choice he ever made :-)

Believe

Believe. Just a word but very strong and powerful.
Probably this is the word that binds everything together and gives meaning to life. But today i am going to ask you one question somewhat related to 'believe'.

Do you believe in Horroscope?

not many posts

Blame my boyfriend not me.

Around 3 weeks and we both are hopelessly fallen for eachother. Hence, not much time for updating the blog. But I promise i will be regular, just give me some time :)

48 hours

No this is not Danny Boyle's mini version of 127 hours. This is "the hour" that has brought me the happiness and sense of life that we always dream of. Yes, from far away land, one good Samaritan has arrived in my life who has brought a bag full of happiness for me. I know this is a short-lived one but it will be the one that i will always treasure, cherish and long for.

Being crazy

PSince yesterday, trying to do one crazy thing. Not original idea but still want to do something for Erik. So when he has to go (sad reality, sigh) he will have something that tells my story and reminds me to him. I had always restrained myself but this time, I am all out to express my thoughts and love.

Btw any idea of some vacancies for foreigners? Link would be helpful.

Sometimes..

We all are just confused of what the future beholds for us... but does the fear of future stop us from exploring today? Today, 15.01.2012, seems one of us proposed to other......

Back to same old road but.....

Yes I am back to the same old road again: the road of love.

You remember my Spanish date Erik? Without me knowing much of what's happening and just 3 dates (the recent one was 24 hours long lol) I am already falling for him. But this time there is a twist. Whatever this is, my love or my obsession or passion or anything, you call it: it's going to last only for 2 months and we both know what the end would be.

Buttery Butter and the Boring one

One thing about being single and not committed is: you can meet many people, explore around and see if there is any chance of finding someone compatible to you. When I say compatible, I mean someone who can understand your joke, share similar interest or at least know what you are talking about, even if I have no idea of his interest but have oratory skills to make it sound exciting and interesting. One of my friend calls it my standard and since my standard is pretty much high (according to him), it would be difficult for me to find someone matching it unless I downgrade my standards. But i wonder what my standards are: searching for someone who has brains and ways to express them, is this too much to ask? Well, looks matter but not always. Hmm is this the reason why I am single? Food for thought for sure.

baba ji....

You are making out with your date (the one that I mentioned in earlier post)..... Both of you getting restless and suddenly one song creeps in your head and doesn't leave.... instead of thinking what you are doing, the lyrics keep playing in your head eventually killing, well, almost everything. Thank god, I survived the scare. Guess which song is that?

I hate you Mohit Chauhan! Probably now I should sing: Why this, why this, babaji babaji babaji JI?  (sing ins Kolavari D tune)

Yes I have already told you, how cute i find him. Hmm should i also mention one stupid thing? He is great in every aspect. Now you are free to use your imagination hahahahaha :P

Stupid me,

Returning back from an awesome date. He is Spanish and here as a volunteer for 5 months. Damn! He is so cute and sweet. Really felt like kissing him right there at the zoo. Yes, we went to zoo. Now looking back I could hav kissed him. I just chickened out. I am such a stupid. Next time we meet (hopefully we do tht soon) I am giving damn to my moral values and the people around :D

crazy, stupid love

I admit, I am afraid of love or is it commitment? Or is it committed love? Isn't there some love with no commitments? But then what's the point of being in love? The idea of loving someone crazy is scary. Please note that when I say crazy, it doesn't mean being pagal and shouting "kkkkkkkkk kiran" but loving someone so much that nothing matters except that person. My friends say and I admit, probably I love myself like that and wouldn't love anyone else putting myself at risk for that person. When I was in relationship, I always tried to stay away from those possible candidates who would be crazy, stupid lovers. I feel suffocated, yes i am that dork. I need space in my relationship, need air to breathe and time to evaluate where I am heading. But that doesn't mean I look for others. Probably when i was young and wild, I would have done so but now nothing else matters if I have that elusive crazy love (read is metaphorically, this line is just to indicate my firm commitment to monogamous relationship). But now I am single, sometimes i wish for such love. I wish for someone who would stand by me, forever and always. Not clutching to me but standing by me.

But Pooh (have i introduced her? Well she is the darling. My friend since i started learning alphabets) has to say that such person is right in front of me but i am looking for something else. Today when I was pretty lost in my failure to do work i was supposed to, she asked me about Mosby. Yes, nowadays i talk a lot about him, at least here. She reminded me he is hopelessly falling for me and I am turning my eyes blind to that. Yes, he calls me at least twice (since last few days) from his home country and tries to be updated of my life and updates his stories as well. Pooh had to point out that if he wasn't that serious about me why would he call me everyday? Like always I reminded her about my refusal to be committed in relationship and branded my relationship with Mosby as a friend with benefits. But she did favor by reminding me that being together is always not about sex but more than that and I have liberty to fool around but not hurt someone else's dream. Now is there anything I can do? Every time we  had some intimate moment, I have reminded Mosby of reality and he cuts me short saying "Yes, Yes I know it's just friends and nothing more. I understand and I am okay with it". Phew! I wonder when I fall for helplessly would that person respond me the same way I am responding to Mosby? If that happens, how will i take it. I am that bad, you see :(

Just random thought

This FEDEX guy is so yum and hot. Haha now I understand why sleeping with delivery guy is such a hit fantasy of both: straight and curved ones lol.

One day, two day... who counts anyway :)

I am supposed to finish my self-evaluation but here I am, blank as a white sheet and wondering what did I do last 12 months and how should I project it. I got few more days to finish it but there are other equally important works piling up at my desk and I helplessly look at them and tell them "soon baby, soon".

Morning began in all glory. Woke up, did some exercises, took photo of myself and noticed by abs are not that bad either but agreed I need hard workout. Reached office with excitement and then the cold killed everything. Yes temperature has gone down and my mind just froze. Being more and more worried about my own shape (everyone becomes, not only gay.... so stop being judgemental :P) I decided to avoid rice. One time rice is enough for me, I declared to myself so called my friends and told them I would join them for lunch. When I reached there, order was already done and voilà it's Spaghetti for me. I thought, all right one last time. But seeing the order they have made, I was mortified and wondered can we finish it? Can WE?

But at the end we did :)

After lunch, I thought I would again push myself for finishing the work I am supposed to. But I just can't concentrate. So I am trying to make my own list of sexiest men alive hahahaha. Your list sucks People's Mag. lol

Of course don't want to post all the list now and make you confused. Probably I should do one person at one post. How about that? Yes, I will end my future posts (not all, be warned) with the person I find so HOT hahahahaha. So here goes first person to make in my list :)

Prince Harry.

If you ask me, he is one of the hottest ginger (sorry about the word) alive in the world. He is wild, he is nasty and centre of controversy. Not because of these reasons, he made to my list but because if you closely look at him, he has that rare mixture of innocence and good looks. He is simply HOT hahahaha. Sometimes I do wonder about his sexual orientation lol. Btw Did I share my dream about him? During one of my travel I saw a dream. Apparently he had come to our home nation and we had dinner together. No idea how did i end up in royal list lol. But speak of the devil, next day paper had his story of willingness to ascent Everest and for that he might pop here during March, April. Truth or rumour, only he knows. Sometimes brain works in such a funny way.

postcard

Have you ever received handwritten postcards? Well don't think about our school days when we used to give postcards of Bollywood actors to wish our friends and teacher Happy Dashain or Happy New Year. I meant, from someone who is grown up and though there is an option of sending email, s/he sends you Post Card?
Mosby had sent me postcards while he was in  Kathmandu. No, I didn't receive them. He was surprised that I hadn't got any postcards. It turns out he sent me 4 postcards while he was in Kathmandu, one from Hong Kong and one from mainland China. I haven't got any of them. I asked around to see if something has arrived in our PBO and good news is, there is something in PBO. My office guy is going to collect today and I hope that's my card.  As far as I could remember, I have never ever received postcard from anyone and like a kid I am pretty excited about it. :)
Continuing with Mosby, seems he had awful homecoming experience. When his plane was landing at HK, there was some turbulences which made him sweat and have difficulty in breathing and headache. Since he was coming back from Nepal, a bird flu affected country, and shows symptoms somewhat similar to the virus, he was quarantined at the airport, medical checks were done and without allowing him to enter HK, he was directly sent to Mainland. No, it wasn't bird flu and he is recovering well. Sometimes life's funny and puts you in such a awkward situation. Probably  Mosby felt same at that time!

P.S. Starting today i began doing some exercises till i join the club. I will not let my laziness overtake me this time (fingers crossed :P). Hopefully, we do that soon :D

till then, goodbye!

2012 has already knocked at my door. Yes, I am 3 days late to say "Happy New Year" but does it matter by how many days i am late? Anyways, felt like looking back 2011. It has defined me, gave me courage and made me strong. This is the year I will always remember for gathering courage to speak out my story to my friends and my sisters. This is the year I will always remember for meeting some awesome people including AK. This is the year I will always remember for some lost love. Finished my Masters (dissertation is there, but i can still say i did it :P), got my dog and made me hopeful of my future and my happiness.

Few things I look forward in 2012:
Probably Love. I am afraid of commitments and all but still I wish to have someone beside me who actually understand me and vows to be there when i need most. Yes, I would do same.
One more overseas trip with friends. We had made this pact that we would go somewhere Sun and Sand to celebrate the bachelor's party. Hopefully one of my friend would fly from Europe and we fly down from Himalayas to sea and beach, laughing...shouting... drinking....and enjoying the bond like never before. Fingers crossed!
Upgrade in career: Well who doesn't want this? But probably I should start looking for some international positions so that I could travel faraway lands, working and saving some money :P
Buy one book a month: Yes, this is my resolution i made in the morning actually. I got one book yesterday which i wanted so badly.... Murakami. I am trying to convince another friend to do so :D
Join the gym, get back to shape. Learn French and say "Bonjour ... Aimeriez-vous avoir un dîner avec moi?"

This are few things I hope to happen with me. Lets see, how the year unfolds. Till then, goodbye 2011. :)