the cute guy

You see him on tv first time reporting on certain issues and  feel: he is so cute and sexy. Then you see him in your college but of course you don't have guts to say hello (he might think you creepy). Then suddenly you see his name in one of your training and he starts talking to you (your CRUSH starts talking to you!!): it feels so good.

No, I am not fantasizing about him or having infidel thoughts (I love you Sid). But having this strange happiness that now my crush knows me, in fact we can be involved in some decent conversation next time we meet on street :P Now i am checking his facebook (the idea never came) and voila, he hasn't protected his fb account. So checking out his pictures now (i know i am a creep lol). He is so yum! (wish i could share his picture but that would be unethical and outrageous act of mine hahaha)

What are the chances he could be gay? lol, my mind is playing dirty game now, ain't it and that too publicly haha!

P.S. he hasn't mentioned 'interested in' on fb. Is my post on faydar true in this regard? :D

the weekend is here

The much awaited weekend came without noise and seems will be gone without any noise.

My friends were planning to go cycling. Even Sid got excited and proudly told me (later i shared with my friends) that he too wants to join the cycling. My friends suggested Sid to practice cycling and build stamina before the D day (of course i conveyed the message to him) but he had his macho-feeling inside him. Feeling challenged he told me he has stamina and used to such riding. What the heck for me, if he thinks he can join I am happy. But poor me: since i didn't have guts to agree to cycle at least 40kms uphill, downhill road, i was pinning my hope on one of my friend who had car. Me and another friend tried to butter car-friend but turned out he has exams or other engagements leaving my plans go: WHAM. Later Sid had talk with his friend about the plan who enlightened him about the hardship-prospect. When he realized he might not have that much power needed, suddenly the tiger turned into cat and I was left with howler.

So the weekend came. Friday we went for movie Rango which was not as great as i had expected it might be. Moves slowly and at times gets boring. The D day came and my friends went but I was at my home playing chess with my laptop while Sid at his own house doing laundry and ironing. Yes, I was bullying my nephew as well: screaming at him for not following what i said, blackmailing him with cartoons and making him go mad.
Also weekends mean playing time with my dog. He loves being pampered and whenever i am about to play with him, he just sleeps on his back hoping i would scratch him around his belly or legs. Not once, every time he does that. No he doesn't play with balls or any other stuffs. I try to make him pick up ball or something he just ignores me and ball, and goes to sleep or simply walks by to mom. Yes, he follows her everywhere and my mom calls him her younger son. He hardly listens to what i have to say unless i make my voice loud. And when i do that he knows what to do: go back to his comfy place.

Oh he has learned to use toilet, finally. That's another good news but of course sometimes he thinks toilet exists everywhere except my mom's room and the corridor.

Gift

I bought a book for Sid, no reasons. I remembered him saying he wanted to read one book. And i wrote following line as a note!

From one angel to another,

Hoping we could build a paradise together!

Fingers crossed!

simple question hard answer

In the morning I was listening to my favorite radio show called 'Namaste Ktm' on local FM and the host asked a fairly simple question, 'Which is the song you want to begin your day with' or similar like that. I thought for so long, still i couldn't come up with an answer that really satisfy me.
First song that came in my mind was Hindi track from movie Qayamat se Qayamat tak titled 'Gazab ka hain din'. I love this song but probably it's not the song i feel like beginning with my day. Then i thought about other songs. Currently i am in love with Adele and enjoy listening to her track 'Someone like you' but it's not the song i want to listen early in the morning. Then Bruno Mar's song 'Billionaire' came in mind and went followed by some jazz and pop, then came country songs. I struggled with John Mayer to Dixie Chicks. I also thought about some Nepali and Hindi songs but none of them seemed to be the one i want to begin my day with.

The conclusion: I don't have answer to such a simple question.

It's not the first time i have faced such situation. If you ask me hard questions, i have answers to them or at least i know what i have to say. But when i am asked simple question my mind goes numb and i don't have any answer. But sad part is: most of the life changing questions are very simple like do you love me or will you marry me or what do you like most about your job?

Is it same with you too?

expiry

Everything comes with an expiry date.

My internet service provider sent me a text using automated system at 3 AM in the morning to remind me that my internet plan is near it's expiry date and i should buy new one (it also said to check emails for more details but there was no email, seriously). So I will have to buy new plan by tomorrow but since i spent my savings on education today, i won't have money left to buy new plan unless April end comes tomorrow. But i had plan B to face this using new wi-fi internet service that is becoming a talk of the town. I got one 300 Rs. worth card (thanks to my friend) but i hear even they have increased the tariff rate to Rs.499. I don't know whether the card I have lost it's expiry date :P

But in a way, having no internet is good thing for me. If there's no internet then I can go to sleep early making this line 'early to bed, early to rise, makes man wise' true to some extent. Well early to rise would mean me going to college everyday and learn something and be wise. Also no internet mean now i don't have to look for porn and be worried when your favorite porn site is blocked by ISP (naughty me i know).

Well coming back to my first line: I believe in 'all good things must come to an end'. Do you?

The marriage

Sometimes i wonder what's wrong with gay people, why they have to try extra hard to fit into existing social structure. My argument is: Being gay, they already rebel to existing idea of loving your opposite sex. So why not continue with the rebelling?

Sid mentioned about his gay friends getting married. I understand there is immense pressure and blackmailing, probably sometimes leading you to agree to the idea of getting married. But would marriage solve the problem: problem of loving someone of your own sex? I beg to differ on it. No matter what, if you are not bisexual, it's very unlikely that you could have a happy marriage. Sid's friend got divorced, lucky his wife turned out to be drug abuser and well she herself also invited trouble to the marriage. But if she wasn't drug abuser, would things be solid and happy? I have heard/read/seen many people who are perfectly gay and still in perfectly (from outside) happy marriage life. But is it worth to experiment putting yourself, your lover's and your to-be-wife's happiness in risk of jeopardy?

I asked Sid (since he is also closeted) whether he would see himself married to a girl. To my dismay his answer was "I don't know. Probably!". I wanted to scream at him but hold the idea. Things haven't been so serious that i start talking about US. Yes, even i am closeted but at least i have made up my mind that i will come out to my family within this year and I will never ever get married to a girl unless I really fall in love with her. But paradox here is: I do not believe in institution of marriage.

Moving back to my topic: how could you expect to get married to someone you don't even love or can never love. And still you think you are forced to take that decision because of your parents. To hell with those parents who love their values, tradition and society more than their own blood. I have straight forward idea: I will leave and be on my own than give up and get married under pressure.

Should i take this conversation with Sid regarding marriage as a warning sign: to hold myself back and get out of the relation ASAP? Or should i take this opportunity to make him believe that you have to stand for yourself and no one will do that for you. If you don't, it means in a way you are slowly cradling towards known grave (who knows its possible).

Morning shows the day. But don't know what my day would look alike. Seriously!

UPDATE: Probably i was just over-reacting. I thought about it later as well and realized that when people are offered situation they haven't faced yet they are likely to answer with things they might not do. He might not say "I don't know, Probably!" but replace it with "No I won't and I am happy to find someone" when he has to face the real situation. My strong argument for this is: if he would give up, he could have been married for long (Gawd, he is already 33). He hasn't given up and he won't give up on me so easily :)

to do list

It's a fact: I love making "to-do-list" but i don't seem to heed on it.

As soon as i reached my desk, i made to-do-list for today. Trust me, it became a long list. Some reports, some training workshop plans, some briefing papers, few papers to edit/proof read. One of our interns asked would i be able to meet them?

As the curtain falls down signalling end of the day, i looked back at the list and i seem to manage doing 1% of the list i prepared. Holy crap, the work keeps piling up and I keep making long list.
Damn you internet.

The to-do-list doesn't only includes office work but also some college assignments and i-will-study-this stuffs. Yes i have enrolled myself in a university and trying to pursue some degree. I have always been late in my assignment submission and it's also piling up. Phew.

What do you do with your to-do-list?

Too much time

Sometimes I wonder I am spending too much of time with Sid.
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday.....We meet, we chat, enjoy the company, get close, hold hands and keep walking.

And yesterday I asked him, "Aren't we meeting everyday? We both need time for our private life as well. We have friends and families who would be honored to serve us sometimes" and he responded back with plan of meeting 4 days a week which i doubt would be implemented. Why i said so, call me stupid, but i have learned from my past relationship that you shouldn't take your friends as granted. Your friends also need you, seek you and wishes to be with you to share their best and worst days. And if you are not there listening to your friends, how could you wish that they will  be there when you need to vent?

I am really blessed and sometimes wonder what had i done for being showered with such immense happyness? Is it because, as Sid puts in, I have very good heart which believes in compassion and love? Or is it because I am just too lucky?

News on my new dog: He has started to bark at unknown people :) Gave him his first dose of vaccines. 

cycle

Paddling hard, paddling slow... sometimes even losing breath but defying friction, defying traffic chaos, i cycled hard!
yes i borrowed the cycle and tried riding it. I enjoyed a lot...but i got tired leaving with muscle pain :P The cycle fun is over now and i am back to where I was.

Just hope this cycle did help me make my pants loose :P

Also did i mention that I have adopted a dog now?

New dawn

My friends think Sid is cool, good looking and hot. But most of all he is a very good choice of mine, now that's all i call the BIG HAPPY NEWS.

Relieved, happy and so happy.

Happiness is all about sharing :)

P.S. sad that Virat Kohli didn't even tore his shirt in celebration after they won world cup cricket 2011. Don't blame me for drooling  on him, i find him so hot. :D

The faith we have

Image Source: travelblog.org

Early morning,
people queuing,
just to pass through that door,
to embrace their faith!

And I was one of them.

Do I believe in god: No. I think s/he is over rated even if there's someone who can prove existence. Do I believe in religion: No. My opinion: source of all problems and issues we have. But still what i was doing there?
I was trying to fulfill promise once i had made to someone. Trying to show my gratitude for everything i have and thank my mom by making her happy, at least for few seconds. Or more than that probably I was there to pray hard for happiness that is overdue for someone I know.

People of different ages, ethnicity, beliefs, motives but all have same in common: faith. Their faith that even if something goes wrong, there will be someone to look after them and help them in solve their problems, someone who will do the magic and make their wish come true, someone who would lend support in dealing with pain and failure.

Probably the only two thing that make this world worth living for: Faith and Hope. The day we lose it, I don't think  the world would be same ever again!

fa-y-dar

My conclusion: Even if your  gaydar is not functioning properly, then don't worry. facebook could act in your favor.
You are straight. You have fb account. So won't you mention who you are interested in? Be honest here.

You won't respond to that if you gay though. Your conscience won't allow you to write interested in women but you can't write interested in men either. So solution is: you leave off the ticking job. That way you are in balance and having peace like Yin and Yan. I could be over generalizing here, but if you got friends who are gay and are open to you, check their profile they might have left the space.

Everytime i check someone's fb and do not see interested in information, my radar goes bleep and start analyzing many aspects i might not have thought before. Its not guaranteed that f-ay-dar works perfectly though, some might have little knowledge on how to work around on fb. But if someone is tech-savvy and his orientation is not mentioned, then that is of course a point to consider or sometimes explore as well. Who knows that person might be your Mr. or Ms. perfect :)

Update: After i made this prediction, i found majority not mentioning their interest. Hahaha has my predicament eaten mud before anyone points out fault in it lol :D

the fear

Sometimes i wonder is magic of attempt is failing? Is every relationship (broaden your horizon here) has to pass this test? When you begin, the feelings are intense but slowly it wears off. Is it because we get tired or we understand other person from heart and soul, and do not have to depend on "Attempt"?

100s of texts shared, hours passed in talking and chatting. Suddenly you fell limited to few texts and nothing more. Have we become like long married couple who have lost excitement in life and wondering of finding ways to relieve those magical moments. Or am i trying too hard?
But then again your mind races to put facts together and realize in fact you meet almost everyday and spend at least 2-3 hours together. And i question myself, am i wishing for digital dominated love and other end replied: when you part attention in form of texts or call is deserved.

I do not fear to lose you, that's for sure. But sometimes i wish to know the status of who we are and where we stand. I remember what you said about me and I know perfectly through your gestures and acts you prove your loyalties but still this senseless, idea-less mind plays it's part and makes me think over and over again, slowly grasped by the fear of losing what hasn't even begun. I try to be strong and assure myself, I take what comes along but deep in my heart I know I have started liking you more with each day and probably wish to see you beside me for thick and thins. But also I know the fact that I cannot thrust in you and my heart and mind both agrees to this unequivocally.y

Yes i am pounded by fears: fear of being together and fear of losing you. Yes i fear when we be together we will lose the magic of attempts and someday it will just fizzle out. But i also fear this will end up in attempts only. And my heart can't decide which fear is worst!