chewing that courage tablet

One of gay friend just came out to his parents. Its not that he came out directly to them but through his brother. He had come out to him long time back and he was looking for way out to come out to his parents and his brother was perfect outlet. The good news is his parents are fine with him and are ready to support. They also conveyed this message to him through other son. So my friend is having tough time to initiate the conversation directly coming out to them. And this caused anxiety attack and he complained about chest pain. He even went to see doc.
This made me feel when would i be able to do so same? Someday i have to do it and last week i contemplated of doing so. Mom was in happy mood, and we had perfect timing to talk about it. I played the scene over and over again and tried to tell but just couldn't muster the courage. I called her and instead talked about my cousin's marriage. If not mom, sometimes i want to tell about myself to my sisters but still some unknown fear holds me back. When would i be able to bleed away this fear and accept the courage. Just wish I could get The COURAGE TABLET and do this damn thing.

My inability to admit who i am is making me tell funny stories. Its not that i am lying about dating some girl and making out with her. But whenever questions/doubts are raised about my singlehood (Yes people don't believe that I am single) or my marriage plan, i just have to come up with some creative answers to satisfy my interrogators. My typical answers are yes, i am single (which i am still) or yeah prolly in 5 years i will get married and settle down. Though my answers are mostly vague and can be interpreted in anyway but I know I am not going to fall in love with some pretty girl who is trying out her luck with me or marrying in 5 years down now. Its just that i feel easy making my own stories and keep the guessing game alive.

being good looking and having good career prospect is worst thing you could imagine if you are single gay who is having difficulties to come out of closet once and for all. Allright i admit talks about good looking is self-declared title.

exam day blues

UPDATE: As predicted i screwed up the exam. The questions were pretty simple and predicted but since my preparation was nil, the exam went badly. I attempted 25 marks question out of 100 and have decided to give up next two. I celebrated the failure by watching a movie "Sucker Punch".
And another good news is: Sid got a job. The job landed to him in an unexpected way. I am so happy for him :)

 I don't have freaking idea why i am trying for civil service. Probably rosy aspect of working in foreign bureau and meeting exciting people led me to this attempt. Or my mother's wishes played major role. Whatever the motives, i thought i would be trying out.

But I didn't prepare myself. I had not thought i have to study a paper on governance and administration which i discovered today that i have to. And ironically the exam is scheduled for today. So my mind is fighting to come up with a decision on whether i should undertake the exam or not. Saint mind says: go and observe. Could be a lesson for next attempt. Devil mind says: don't try at all, anyway what's the point.

The funny part is: mind is always like this. Always weighing the outcomes and trying to decide the best. Even with the relationship: whether the person is suitable for me or not, would s/he make me happy or not, would my future be stable or not. Constantly weighing options!
So does this prove we all are cunning businessperson and nothing is pure and true. After all our decision are made after careful consideration of outcomes and are for fulfillment of our own selfishness.

Memories are wonderful things, if you don't have to deal with the past.

Everyone has some issues, well not just some prolly a lot. Who doesn't have? Even you do, don't you?
I have no idea why i asked this question, but as i look at this half empty water bottle this question keeps popping up: Are memories wonderful things, if you don't have to deal with the past? I had good times and bad times both in relationship and beyond it. I always thought i will always cherish them. They were once part of my moments that shaped so many things. But as i delved back to those I realize they are wonderful when only you don't have to deal with the past.
My Ex was always worried about my friendship with my other flings. He never allowed me to have any kind of friendship or whatsoever with them and made me swore I would not hurt his beliefs. I did all i could to make him happy. And today when we are broken up, i see him friend'in them on fb. Now what changed the dimension?  And this strange worry hits me out of the blue what if they start kindling their relationship and share information about me, would that change anything. I swear I have no idea why I thought this way and it doesn't make difference even if they decide to marry eachother. But definitely this thought provoked me to think the heading of this post which in fact is dialogue from movie called "Before Sunrise".

Talking about the movie, this is one hell of movie I saw and it's sequel titled "Before Sunset" is as terrific as the first one. Both do not have very compact and dramatic story except talking and lots of talking between it's lead actors. No the movie also do not have antagonist who would make protagonists' life miserable. The movie deals with so many themes particularly of self discovery. The movie also ignite the sense of romanticism in you, I bet if it didn't in you I would never watch the movie again. But it also reminds you of chill reality: most of the times romanticism is gulped down by the realism.

Remember last time i was talking about magic.The movie has a perfect line that justified what i said which was "you develop it when you start exploring". Actually the movie line is as below:

If there's any kind of magic in this world it must be in the attempt of understanding someone sharing something. I know, it's almost impossible to succeed but who cares really? The answer must be in the attempt. 

Isn't it so true?

P.S. To my two very special friends: I should have told about my new blogging habit but it never occurred to me to share during our conversations. I hope you are not mad at me and as you can see, I haven't mudslide both of you here, so no reasons to feel bad :)

the happenings

If only the life is drama free. The constant drama: at work, at home, with friends, with loved ones, and with your ex.
One of my friend opened up account in some dating site and my ex-fling happen to show interest in my friend. By ex-fling it meant Friend with Benefits. They met and later my friend confessed that he didn't find any magic between them. And my ex-fling has to say that he is unsure of what he wants and also do not want to hurt pure soul like my friend.
And my reaction to both: Hello, if you like explore and if not just admit. Do not come with excuses. Of course I didn't say this loud and clear.

Magic, everyone searches this in other. But does it really exist? Even if it does, can you sense it in your first meeting?

I think magic is what you create when you explore and know more. I have never felt that magic or aura in someone. Haha or is the reason why I haven't fallen in love truly, madly, deeply as suggested by Savage Garden in their famous song. Probably I am not looking for fatal attraction and I never could see it. Or i am too occupied to see the light. Whatever the case, I hope and pray my friend will find his magic, soon.

Hungry and wants to have food like this

Spicy chicken kebabs (http://bit.ly/hmZoMI)

Ingredients

• 3 garlic cloves, roughly chopped 
• knob of fresh ginger, roughly chopped, plus extra to serve 
• 1 orange, grated zest and juice 
• 3 spring onions, roughly chopped 
• 2 tbsp clear honey 
• 1 tbsp light soy sauce 
• 2 tbsp vegetable oil 
• 4 small skinless boneless chicken breast fillets, cut into cubes 
• 20 button mushrooms 
• 20 cherry tomatoes 
• 2 large red peppers, seeded and each cut into 10

Method
Grind the garlic, ginger, orange zest and spring onions to a paste in a food processor. Add the honey, orange juice, soy sauce and oil, then blend again. Pour the mixture over the cubed chicken and leave to marinate for at least 1 hr, but preferably overnight. Toss in the mushrooms for the last half an hour so they take on some of the flavour, too.
Thread the chicken, tomatoes, mushrooms and peppers onto 20 wooden skewers, then cook on a griddle pan for 7-8 mins each side or until the chicken is thoroughly cooked and golden brown. Turn the kebabs frequently and baste with the marinade from time to time until evenly cooked. Arrange on a platter, scatter with chopped spring onion and eat with your fingers.

A lot of strings attached

Do you remember me talking about guy who turned down my heart right before this post? Well lets call him Sid.

Though he had turned down my heart, I continued to be friends with him. Only I know how hard I played to stop my emotions taking over me. Well lets not go into details of that but talk about what happened today. Today at cinema while watching this stupid movie No Strings Attached, he tried to hold my hand. I tried to resist the idea but gave up. Some unexplainable emotions took over and I quietly made up my mind that I won't meet him for some time. Then in the middle of night (yes I was asleep) I woke up because of his text that said "Hope you learned something out of the movie". Sheepishly i replied saying Yes i did. Do not fall in love and I am taking care of it. In response he hit back I just want to take things slow and feeling I have for you is growing  but you know I am scared of relationship. P.S. has anyone told you that you are such a sweetheart? I managed to reply saying: You just did. I might be easy catch but I know how to be patient. Just flow and don't be scared. Things always happen for good reason. His response was: I sure love you and hope this is same for you. 


I should have seen it coming but I was too stupid to see only immediate response and be sad. Ohh did I tell you he feels I am an easy catch and suggested me to play hard sometimes. Now I will show him how hard I could be (hahaha interpret your own way) :D

Seems we are going to have a lots of strings attached, but slowly. Now going back to sleep with a happy smile.

background

No, I don't have anything to share. I am a boring person, prolly even boring than the seals. But are they boring? Now I am confused.
anyway, wat i was saying was: I got no interesting things happening in my life. But hold on, irony is there. I ditched the person who loved me and couldn't get the person I loved. He says: he had traumatic relationship experience and do not want anything serious but just friends. Friends, my foot. If he had to say this why he gave me constant signals saying like You are the only one and i do not wish to look for anyone for instance. Still I don't understand. Prolly i would ask someday.
Yes, i was in relationship. I couldn't handle the pressure and called it quit. He loved me so much and still does (I know). Then I vowed i won't fall in love again but I happen to meet this sweet guy (almost 8 years older than me). We text, we chat, we talk, we meet. And i started to get all different types of signals including I love you in his texts. I forgot my own promise and fell for him. When i expressed how i feel about him, well you know the answer pretty much.

Lesson learned: Confusing signals could seriously harm. So be sure to discuss signals before you misread it.

First post

Hello there,

I don't remember how many attempts i made to blog. Blogs created, blogs deleted. I don't know how long this one will last too. But still I am giving this shot hoping this would see a day of light :)

It's raining! Storm is coming. My life is not calm as well.