Oh my! Awesomeness.

After low yesterday, today was awesome day. History is mystery so probably its better not to talk about what went wrong yesterday. But of course, i can recount countless times what went right today.

Woke up early morning and i did the unthinkable. I actually turned on the computer and got connected. I am always too lazy to use internet in the morning but i did, that too for good reason. One guy had followed me on my twitter (Yes i tweet, No i won't reveal it here. Sue me :P) and he messaged me or say he DM me. And i started writing back and i knew somewhere he is gay too. So I started to hit on him, which i never do from my twitter ID. And he called me he never thought I am so flirty. I was surprised. Later he told me that he used to come to same coffee store where i used to hang out a year back (before they got closed). Of course i never noticed him and that's what he told me in a bit sad tone but he used to find me very sojho and good guy. Suddenly i felt so good that there are some people who notice me. Now you tell me how many people notice you in coffee shop and talk about it a year later? He even called me on my cell phone hehe. He is super cute btw but sadly now in some foreign countries for education. I wonder even if i had noticed him, would i have managed to get his contact details? Probably i would have sang  'you are beautiful' by James Blunt and gone back home :P Anyways that prove how bad i am in observation skills. Now surely CIA or RAW or KGB will never ever hire me. :D

Later in the evening, went to meet my friends. We met, made big noise and had so much halla. We laughed so much remembering our friday misadventure when 3 of us got totally wasted. When i meant totally, I meant TOTALLY. Also other fun and masalas were of course added to the topics of talks. So there went my fun filled evening.
After coming back home, i saw that I have been awarded 'The Liebster Blog Award' by KGB. No, she is not KGB spy agent from Russia hehe but one of the awesome bloggers i have read and seen. I wonder if i met her, we will have no problem becoming friends unless I become too stupid :P Yes I am obliged to follow the rules but holding back for a while. Tears of joy need time to settle down after all haha :D

So this is how my awesome day went.

P.S. calls from AK and skype chat with another friend also of course added value to the day. 

sometimes i hate myself

i thought i was avoiding you........ but ended up sleeping with you.

now you tell me, how pathetic i am. Good thing, you are going away for few months. (please boss, approve his travel plan)

free falling

Last 2 weeks had been quiet hectic. Constant travelling across the country, never ending wait at the airport. The unplanned strike that affected our work, but still finding way out to do at least something of what we were supposed to do. But the trip ended the best way it ever could have become. I went to another city in the east and met my friend AK. We hung out, watched movie, slept under the sun, went out to the awesome bar (mind you, we made it awesome), had wonderful time. Those 2 days were one of the best days of recent times.

Some of my friends do ask me about the chances of AK and I having relationship which sounds very flimsy. He is such a wonderful person. Probably if we hadn't met when I was in relationship or later he being in  relationship, probably things could have hit off. But now though I am single, though he is single, things haven't got any chance to move forward. Now i guess we have become more as a friend than anything else could have been. But the idea of us being together does make butterflies in my stomach and I laugh at my own silliness.

In another development, Mosby is angry with me. Why? because I did all it takes to avoid him. I always pretended (at times it was true) i am busy with work and all. And now he is angry that I didn't give him even 10 minutes but i have all the time to go for movie or dinner with friends. So I have agreed to go out to dinner with him tonight. Seriously, I am a bitch!

waiting

Yesterday was different, different because I spend whole day at the airport: waiting. No i wasn't at transit. I was at the west corner of the country and from there I had to fly to capital and again fly to the east corner. Finally we flew at 12, the flight was scheduled at 10.30. After reaching the capital airport, spent next several hours hoping we could make it. Finally they announced the flight, took us inside the plane, made us wait for another half an hour or more. And announced cancellation of flight: thanks to the bloody weather.
After managing seat in first flight next day, I was out of the airport, Thanks to the party which feels proud to be called beacon of democracy and freedom, there was strike. Apparently one of it's cadre who is involved in so much of criminal activities died after the injuries he suffered during brawl inside the jail were greater. The airport taxis were not around and normal taxi never could make it to airport. So we were there, stranded and with no idea how to go home and it was already dark. Finally i managed to convince one driver after agreeing to pay hefty amount. Probably i paid 100 rs per km or even more than that. I was glad to be home in the evening!

And today is no different. Again here i am, at the same airport and doing exactly same thing: waiting. My flight which was supposed to fly at 9 is still not showing any sight of flying and it;s almost 11 now. They cite weather conditions for the delay. No matter what the reasons are, the fact is i have turned out o  be the waiting traveler who has no where to go hahaha. Well i just added 'no where' for my own fun. :P

Except this waiting round, things are as they were before. One night Sid messaged asking me to call right away. I found out there is someone who is using my photo to hook up. I felt kinda nice that people have started using my photo but AK had different idea. He thought it could be Sid himself. I am not panicked that my photo is making round but i felt pity for the person who is doing so (if that's true). What if he found the perfect guy and wrong use of photo would just kill everything that could be a reality. Nevertheless, Sid had sent me all the phone no. but I am too tired to call and threaten him. 

right now

Not lost.... Just travelling somewhere in west now... and then will trot to east. Hopefully will have rest next-next week. Do nothing but just sleep and make plans and dreams :)

Search

Reading story by someone you know: suddenly you start to look if you are there in bits and pieces. Same thing happened today as i kept on reading and searching myself there. To some extent, i found myself there but in obscure way.

Was out and running out of the story: hence no more blog posts in last week. Don't have any story now as well. Just that I feel I am giving Mosby a false dream and trying to repair that. How, i don't know. Avoiding him wouldn't do good i guess which i had thought I would do. I had told him I won't be in the city for 3 weeks and will manage to meet only during Xmas. This wasn't totally wrong, I would be here for 2 and half days between that period which i didn't mention him. Then I felt bad for him and ultimately told him I am back. Hastily he asked out for dinner which I decline not because I didn't want that because I felt I was too tired. Later I turned down dinner plan with my own friends as well. But probably I will meet him for dinner tomorrow. Let's see.
The reason I am trying to get away from him is: I don't feel anything for him and his feelings are getting more stronger. He was telling about his dinner plan with one guy who helped him at the airport and I teased him saying I won't mind if they end up in bed but he laughed and said He would mind, not because that guy is not hot but because he wants to be with me only. That awkward moment and you don't know how to react: Yes i had that moment. I am really scared things might just go out of the hand leaving him bruised and blue. Any ideas except the idea suggested by AK?

More travel plans coming up. Would be travelling to the west of the country and with few hours of layover at the capital again will fly to the eastern part. Hopefully the year will end in high note, finding that thing I am searching for!

One place i always love to be

Can you guess where it is??

that moment of happiness

Here I am, happy about apparent decrease in my waistline but eating chocolates now because I am hungry. My sister made comments few days ago saying my belly seems to have decreased. And yesterday my old pant which used to find difficulty in staying in my waist fitted perfectly giving me a broad smile. No it wasn't exercise that did it. My determination to join the gym or do the exercise have gone nowhere but ended in my bed. I always think "tomorrow I am going to run" but I end up running in my own bed. Sigh!
AK has threatened to kick my ass if I don't join the gym and have declared he will call me ugly till the day i join the gym. We were supposed to join the fitness centre but it just didn't work out. The day we went to submit the form: it was closed!!! Anyway I can further push the stereotype and worry about the weight and belly hahaha :P

Off the list

Few things that i want to do before i die.

• Bungy Jump
• Paragliding
• Rafting
• Sky Diving
• Scuba Diving
• et. al.

looking for Escapology

You think you have moved on. You have closed that chapter. You are confident that if you ever have any encounter, you can just behave things never became sour.
But when you see him, suddenly you feel weak. Suddenly thousand thoughts race through your mind. You behave like it's just another normal random day but you heart knows how vulnerable and afraid you are. After you say bye and hundreds of questions arises.

Deep down, you feel and know that in some way, still you heart races towards him.

one step closer!

you cannot contain happiness when your dear ones accept you for who you are. Yes, I came out to my sisters.

Prolly i must have done something really good in my previous life (lets just say i believe in that for fraction of seconds) so i am bestowed with such awesome friends and family members. I love you all. Only last hurdle is there. Someday soon, i hope!

P.S. i feel bad that I cannot reciprocate the same way when one of your girl friends fall for you. How do i explain this, still in search of the answers!

It's time

Seeing this video on someone's facebook wall, i couldn't stop myself from posting here.

What makes me bad boy?

That question hit me after I talked to my friend, lets call him AK, regarding Mosby. Mosby and I hung out, had some intimate moments (do you need details, i guess the word itself says more) and overall had very good time. We went to temple, movies, dinner and all a perfect date. But as i mentioned earlier, I get this feeling he is looking something substantial from me which I cannot offer him. So Mosby and I had talk about it and I made it clear that all i am looking for, at the moment, is friendship and nothing serious. I also warned him that getting addicted to me not only bad for him but for us as well. He agreed and said he understands. Coming back to talk with AK, he reminded me that he is indeed looking for that long-term thing and I could be inching forward to break his heart. He suggested me to, at least not have all those moments, which might make him fall for me, badly. Probably I might feel this that I have made things clear to Mosby but am I giving more space than required? Suddenly I start feeling panicking and thinking about slowly getting away from him. AK even suggested saying Mosby that I was cheating on my BF (which AK gladly offer to play the role) and BF found out about the fooling, result: can't see him anymore. I don't want lie to end whatever we have, probably the safest way would be slowly getting away.

Talking about dinner with Mosby, he had invited his friends. So there we were, 4 of us: 3 Chinese and me. Chinese had difficulty is expressing what they mean and I had difficulty in understanding what they are meaning. Thank god, food came on time and saved my day. I just laughed where I thought I should laugh or just gave acknowledged sign. Of course one topic of our talk was: How do Nepali moves their head often giving and surprising outsiders to understand the real meaning. 

Blind Date

Have you ever gone on a blind date? I would have freaked out earlier. No names known, no photo exchanged, no information shared except few even that could be untrue. Who knows, your blind date could turn out to be completely opposite of what you except or could be a real stalker.

So today, I was on meeting then my phone beeped with message from one guy. I had heard only of that app that lets know people around based on location. So just out of curiosity i had installed the app and had left it on after seeing how it works and who are around. This guy messaged me and we had few talks. Then I had to run to another meeting, so i asked if he could give me his no. so that I can call later. For the first time,  i got NTC no from someone. Whenever I receive NCELL no, i feel like proxy no. So we exchanged our no. and I rushed to meeting. After 2 hours, i got his message saying he was waiting for the call. I finished my meeting and called him back. He was in British Council, preparing for his IELTS. We talked for a while and found out he is a Doc. and trying to go to abroad for further studies. Out of no where, without thinking anything, I just said lets meet. He was also fine with the idea. While travelling to the date, many funny thoughts came in my mind. It was my first ever blind date and so was his.

After 1 full pot of green tea and one more cup of again green tea and around 1.45 hours of talk: I felt my impulse wasn't wrong idea. We talked about so many things. While talking to him, I realized actually I am a simple, happy person with no big dreams. We shared our dreams, our hopes, our likes, our dislikes, our fun moments and all.

At the end, somewhere i felt bad about the meeting thinking about Mr. Mosby, dunno why though. But since we are not in relationship, I am a free bird.

Hope I will have some story to share about him next time. Also a lesson: sometimes blind date could be fun :)

Meet the Chinese Mosby

On 20th day since my last relationship faltered, I went out on a date. He is a Chinese guy working here for some random company. Some of my friends think its okay to go out, meet people and see the world from fresh perspective. I hope that's true, I listened to them, to myself and to the world. So finally after trotting on online dating site for a while, having some useless and stupid conversation and some interesting ones, finally it happened. We talked, first over message, then on phone. He doesn't have perfect accented English but what the hell, a coffee can do no harm. So we met and rest what happened you know the story.

So why i called him Mosby, do you watch US sitcom called How I Met Your Mother? There is this main character named Ted Mosby who falls for girl on first date ending up proclaiming how much he loved her. My Chinese Mosby (hereafter Mosby only) also showed similar characters. First date: coffee, talks, dinner, drink and more talks: His simple question left me awkward and uneasy. Do you think i have got a chance to be in a relationship with you in future? 


How was I supposed to answer? Of course i have dillydally answer but still I am amazed and surprised by Mosby. Except real Ted Mosby, who would ask such question? His gestures like meeting my friends, listening to me, trying to explain his side of the story, showing sign of jealousy over my past (wishing why he didn't meet me earlier) etc. is making me feel weird.

Here I am, barely 20 days since the end of last relationship, new guy talking about new possibilities. Am I that stupid or that lucky or that good looking? Only the future shall tell.

Yes, he keeps calling, messaging and reminding me he is out there. But the fact is, he is a foreigner and one day he will leave. Or if all these were for real, would it be a rebound thing or for real thing? Probably I should stop thinking more!

Also as my friend suggested: I should be clear from the beginning about what I want and what he can expect from me. But in the mean time, few cups of coffee won't hurt anyone. Probably coming weekend, I should take him to zoo. To show the animal side of me :D

first date

On you first date: would you choose to meet your date's friends for drinks? If you ask me, honestly I would be saying, next time. But no it was he who proposed the idea of meeting my friends. We started hanging out at 3 thinking it's just a coffee date. Enjoyed sleeping under sun at the Garden of Dreams, had coffee and walked around, again had famous tea of Shri Gha and again walked. We just kept on walking and at 5 he said lets go to dinner. My first reaction: It's just 5 not even 6. So we again walked, talked more and by 7 we had finished our dinner. So I called our friends and talked mostly about telecom and power which was beyond mine and my friend's understanding (i am sure). But bravo my friends, they kept on talking and pretending to understand what my date is talking about. It was hilarious to see.

My lesson: Language is not a big barrier. Probably he doesn't have fluent English but he knows what to say when :)

friends are here.

Talking to each other for more than 6 months, someone to whom you feel comfortable enough to share your pains and gains and finally meeting him and spending night out (jeez, don't use your dirty mind). It was more wonderful than I had imagined it would be. Talking till late night, hearing his stories (again in person), telling my stories, bitching about some people, talking about wishes and thoughts, watching movie and getting sense of someone will be there as I feel his warmth and emotions. Probably we slept hardly for 3 hours but still I feel super fresh and hopefully he does feel same. The perfect thing about the whole thing was: It was pure friendship emotions and nothing else.
Yes I am in travelling mode again. This time it will be for a week, checking out Eastern Beauty :P

a dream that wasn't a dream!

Had been away, hence no update posts. Started scribbling diary, gifted by someone years back so that I could pen down my feelings towards her. I left that diary untouched and this week, I used it to vent out my frustration.

Today had a strange dream: I had forgotten about my Health and Physical exam which was supposed to be starting the moment i had remembered. Funny thing was that the subject was my minor subject till my high school days. Once I was graduate of high school, I left it during my undergrads and my PG is something else not even closely related to health or physical. But in dream, I was scared if my carelessness would cost me one more year at my Grad School. I was so scared and worried, one of my friend reminded me that since i have already missed to report time I should stop worrying about the exam. After a while I remembered this subject is no longer my subject and I don't even have to appear for the exam. Then I also heard that the exam had been postponed anyway.

This dream made me think over again about Sid. Is Sid like my Health and Physical subject which I thought was  very important for me but actually it's not that way? Is he my lost dream? Only time will tell. Time will tell.

But one important lesson learned: Silence is the most painful. It pains and brings so many questions but answers remain elusive. 

Day 1

Breakups, no matter how short lived relationships are or how easily done, they are always ugly.

Woke up with sense of hopelessness, emptiness and hollow. Am i turning into zombie?

P.S. i guess this blog is going to be diary of a wimpy heartbroken. :(

gone with the wind

I don't even know whether I should continue writing or not. The passion of writing has died with my relationship. Yes, it's over between Sid and me. My about me section needs to be updated with this:
Just an everyday ordinary guy in relationship with sweet but bit nasty boy looking for doing something extraordinary. Thinks life is beautiful and enjoys every moment with smile. About the pic: well i am just trying to read and understand my own life, so this picture reflects my current state :)


Something went wrong: horribly wrong. I ended it with email, at least from my side. He insisted he cannot come out of the house for few days, so be it. Probably he hasn't got clue about contents of email but I knw once he finishes reading it, he will accept.


Right now I am hollow. Can't think of anything. 


Karma is such a bitch!

empty pavements

Up ahead, I see a flicker of light
my hopes rise, heart joys
I run, run and run
as fast as my legs allow
to escape from this darkness
to that light.

I come near the light
I see
It's you, with a candle
looking for something long lost
I seek light, you seek companion
perfect!

But after a while
I realize, the wind is blowing somewhere
trying to puff the light
frantically I search for the source
search for something to cover
then i realize
it's you who is blowing

You are tired of walking together
you are again looking for something
No, it's not me.
You were only mistaken
you realize.

The darkness fills again
I suffocate
scream and look around
you are gone
and so is light.
All that remaining
is a smell of burning
Is it my heart or the candle?

the great wallet hunt

My knees are still weak, after all that running and walkathon. And my belief in whatever happens, happen for good reason has become even more stronger. But before i narrate the story, let me spin the wheel of time and start from yesterday.

Ra.One, Shah Rukh Khan's new Bollywood movie. Sid wanted to see the movie, or say he just wanted to go to the cinema and it was only Ra.One that was hypnotizing the management. Result: Ra.one everywhere. 2 says back Sid asked me to book tickets but most of the preferred seats were already booked and so he dropped the idea. But suddenly he called me yesterday afternoon and asked to book tickets. I managed to book 3 tickets at another hall and I was asked to collect the ticket, of course. Thanks to my mom, who took my 100rs without my knowledge proved to be costly choice. 3 tickets would cost 840 but i had only 750 left in my wallet. I was already late, so frantically looked for ATM. 2 ATMs were down, another's shutter was closed down but irony it had board claiming 24 hours open. Hence no other ATM were available which would accept my card as I had left another bank's card at home which was working. So i returned back empty handed, waited for another friend. By then out tickets had been released and sold to another person. We returned back, had coffee and parted our ways.
In the evening again Sid asked to book tickets, this time i bought online as well. Went to same road to took some money from ATM again same story as yesterday's. Sad thing the ATM which was working yesterday had ceased to work today. Never mind, we went to the cinema. Movie was stupid and boring. I became restless in the middle and my wallet began to pain me. So i took out my wallet and started counting time. Movie finished, we out. On the way home, I remembered to go to ATM and discovered:
I have left my wallet at the cinema. I ran back, called another friend to come with bike. Thank goodness I got my wallet back.
The moral of the story: If i had withdrawn money before I went to the movie, I would never had to think where my wallet is and I would have remembered in only tomorrow or when I needed wallet resulting in loss of all of my cards and identities. So sometimes things happen for good reason. That's why malfunctioning ATM was good thing to happen today.

P.S. Ra.One is not worth of the hype at all. 

festival leftover

I am getting tired of eating leftovers. According to my granny, my mom has small eyes meaning she hardly gets satisfied with less things. Unless the pot is full, she doubts it would be enough for everyone to eat which of course is not true. So her small eyes played big part this time as well and we ended up with leftovers full of fridge. My sister, as my granny used to, complaining saying If only she had heard to me. The lesson, don't hurry to cook if you are not sure whether your relatives are coming or do not compare their eating habit with the cyclopes who apparently could eat a lot. Otherwise you would be left with lots of leftovers and you just can't throw it anyway. Slowly and slowly you have to eat, otherwise what's use of refrigerator :P

In another note, bhaitika went well. Had fun playing with nieces and nephew, taking tika from sisters. Evening was another scandal which I will narrate someday. Ended up with friend at the famous bar, drank few glasses of beer and had good talk. It was indeed very helpful to talk and let go of many fear that we hold back. But still fear remains, in another form!

open the door, come out!

I know time has come. The more i wait, the more difficult it becomes. But how do i balance and approach? When should i initiate? How do i handle the response. It's so difficult. Easier said than done.

Thinking to tell about myself and my current status to mom.

day of complain

A week has passed since i wrote last time. There was weekend and then work, needed to finish one big report: something that i can proudly say I did it. The report took most of the time, preventing me from working on dissertation proposal. Oh i made that up myself because in the evening i was free but chose not to write. Anyway, now by coming week, i need to finish my proposal and submit to the university. If i don't do it now, then my plan will go down the water road.
But it aint that easy as i had thought. First it became herculean task to understand and  use citation system. I worked for almost 7 hours today on this bloody proposal, still i hardly manage to complete 30% of work. I hope that's 30% :( Its gonna take much longer time that I had imagined. My back is hurting and I seriously need help!!! F1, F1 please

Also the internet has become crap these days, thank you wlink. The connection goes on and off, with a whim of the lord wlink and when I complain at their customer service, I get same answer: please turn off power to the wireless antenna, restart your system, wait for 5 minutes then only connect again. Today I snapped back saying I know what to do, if you have anything else do tell me. Poor guy, he gave different answer saying "we need to visit and see, i will send someone". No, that someone didn't come and I don't expect to come as well. After all its all words or did the customer people hear my answers I gave to their surveyor? I tried to be good and give them high marks for the customer service but I ended up putting more questions and complains haha. So, seems someone is in revenge mood then. I will be saying: Bring it on hahahaha

Oh btw did I mention, I am becoming more wise soon. Yes, B'day is coming up!

a little less, a little more

Have you ever felt scared or afraid of what's happening? Something like you have boarded wrong train or you are seeing a wrong dream or you have been silenced?

Same fear clogging you in different form at different times.

Sometimes loving is also not an easy thing to do. You have to tread in fine balance. A little more, you overburden it and a little less, you don't feel it. If you talk about barometer, I feel confused about my position. Am I being at a little more or at a little less position? I don't show concern I can't do it or even if i bring myself up to it, i fear he might never see loving and caring side of me and it will be just another fling that lasted little more than fling. If i become little more, I might be clutching him and end  up suffocating him. I don't want both scenarios.

Too much thoughts running wildly in my head. Am i texting and calling him more? Does he like receiving message or gets annoyed. Should I be worried about the profile thing or just be cool about it. Is he happy with me or just tagging along because he pities me? I am crazy at times. I wonder if he feels same way about me or am I just turning into devil's workshop.
Isn't there such device that exactly tells you how other half feels about you? Is he happy with you or expect something more?

Too many questions, But answers: None.

None!

windchime

you are separated
but still tied with me
with that weak string
at different points
there's no chance of me
meeting you
touch you, feel you
strike together,
and make that wonderful sound
unless
wind blows
and brings you together to me
letting me feel you
touch you, make love to you
all over once again
for a fraction of seconds
and make that sound
reminding me of why I am hanging here
waiting for another blow of wind!

tears

and thus, we cried.... my sisters and I.

tears welled up, heart became heavy and unknown sound escaped from mouth.

sob, sob.

Somewhere in another room, my nephew also shed some tears, seeing everyone cry.

If only you were here with me, probably I could lean on your shoulder.

P.S. nothing happened. It's just that we needed some fresh year and triggering moment.

RIP JOBS

Didn't know till mid-day. He was already gone! Rest in Peace Steve Jobs.

I have some wishlist of your products and only thing I use, at the moment, that you invented is ipod. But man as I saw your oldie pictures when you were young: you look smoking hot. You had that charisma but never thought you were so hot.

sensibility? hmmmm

Sometimes I forget I am a mere human!

You promise to meet but have been failing to do so, mostly because of your part. Even there is less texts and calls making way between you two. Then finally both of you decide to meet as there is no chance you can spoil the meeting. You are so excited to see him, touch him and feel him but he doesn't turn up. You try to find his whereabouts but he doesn't reply back to you properly and you try to think something could be the reason. So many texts and unasnwered calls.
Then after futile attempts, suddenly you find his phone is busy when you dial his no. Being hopeful after few seconds again you dial the number but no answer. It works as trigger and you leave with sour mood and send quick text telling how you felt "ignored". After 10-15 minutes you get his text and call explaining why  he wasn't able to respond quickly. You are left with no in-between options: Either accept his excuses or bull doze them. You feel stupid for letting stupid thought over ran your sensibility but still find reason to justify your feelings.

Phew, so much for love.

vent out

The greastest festival is here which means more meeting with your annoying cousins, aunts, uncles, far-away relatives and who not? Every year either they pop up or force us to pop up at their place to gossip, to satire or to check out who's doing what of course all in guise of Giving and Taking blessings. Today went to one of those cousins where I used to love being few years back but now wish to be somewhere else instead of there. But am I lucky? I have to ask that question to someone else. So along with dinner i ate few more satirical comments. I gulped them down with the awesome achar. 

Came back home and realised probably i have stopped enjoying twitter. I see self-proclaimed righteous ones who are so concerned about everything and anything and see transformation as destructive. They begin to fill my twitter timeline with their unnecessary comments and feedback of course in tweet-chat form. Hello, there is google talk, yahoo chat or MSN or you name it, so many chat services for chatting. It's not that I don't do tweet-chats, I do. But can you please tweet-chat something interesting not whether Christians are plotting to destroy Hinduism or Daura Suruwal is the only national dress or Maoists are hell bent on destroying nationalism. If you are so interested to share your wisdom, please write long blogs; that's what they are there for. Sometimes I don't even understand why I follow them. And this thought from @IamOnir exactly explains my thought:

Its amazing how many ppl on twitter are busy giving gyan n philosophy to everyone ..almost from a height, look inwards maybe u need it most

There are so many things to rant about. But for the time being, this much only. Thanks for reading :) Oh btw Happy Dashain. May this festival brings prosperity, happiness and peace in your life.

P.S. I have no idea why i came up with this post though!!

khai k khai k: no appropriate topic

When the earthquake shook this part of the world: one of my colleague proclaimed "oh my gawd, prolly the world is really going to end in 2012. Series of earthquake from Haiti to Chile, Japan to Kathmandu, then there was tsunamis and volcano, remember Japan and Iceland, famine at horn of Africa and unpredictable monsoon. All these are just signs. I saw the movie and I am afraid more than ever.". Listening to  her I couldn't stop but howl with laughter. But deep down I felt, if indeed it become ouch reality, have i done many things i have wished for or wanted? Do you remember, few times back i had made my wishlist if the world ends in 2012 and i have initiated nothing for those dreams haha. Let alone those dreams, there are few things i haven't done yet which could be done easily. Oh yes some are related to Sid as well "wink, wink :P" Probably I should be more proactive including looking for grad school. I was looking for the course and blimey, it will cost me 30K Euros for 2 years course. Damn! Look for alternatives!!!!

Talking about grad school, one of my good friend is going away: to pursue his studies, his dreams and future. Good luck to you my mate :)

Last but not the least, I have a confession: Most of the times my predictions go wrong. Guess that proves i am a lame observer. Let's hope my prediction go wrong this time again :)

Update
No particular updates to above mentioned thoughts. But as i closed the blog and went back to my another digital life: suddenly few comments and questioned popped up. Are you drunk tonight as well? I was flabbergasted hearing the comments and wondered why people assumed I am drunk (3 nights in a row of course). The reason I found out was my fb status where i had mentioned about my headache and everyone assumed "Hail Alcohol". No it wasn't alcohol but the stupid road that made by head go wild.

I am wondering is my persona being created as that drunkard guy though i drink once in a blue moon and might or might not get drunk. But the fact is even if he gets drunk (mind you, sometimes only), still he is in a position of carrying another wasted friend to home on his back. Who acknowledges that? But yes, everyone remembers him taking out a dollar bill and shouting for more beer. Even Sid was commenting: Have you made promise to drink like an Irish? The question is - have I? Seriously have I? How I wish :P

But I do admit this 2011 has been a crazy year after a year of No-Booze-Please. Still he secretly wishes: whiskey bar :P

that last line was just a joke!

2 cent of thought

My boss is pissed off these day. Reason: press coverage of how foreigners are working without due permit. Apparently no one in INGO sector knows that you need to get work permit to work in my country (weird, i know) but since the surfacing of report, everyone is in reaction mood. We suggested, don't react. Comply with the legal process and then probably you should be speaking.

But report itself is good except few factual errors.

book, dog....and etc.

I am rediscovering the happiness of reading. Yes, finally I have found my determination and time to read the book. There are so many books waiting for my attention. Slowly but steadily....

And suddenly my dog leaped at me, hoping i would play with him. I did and now I am panting for breathe and writing. What I was hoping to write earlier have vanished from my mind. Continuing with the dog, this is his first adulthood and looking for mating. But of course, it is quiet dangerous to let him loose outside and I have no idea if anyone will be willing to provide their bitch for my dog. He becomes excited at times, angry at times and now he is not eating properly. I suspect it could be worm or as google says it could be anorexia as well. If it has to be one among two, i prefer first one. We are forcibly feeding him: milk and biscuits. No he doesn't even look at his dog food.

I am typing these words waiting for my friends to come over. Got to be somewhere for dinner and probably drink afterwards. Yesterday was also fun: cards, food and drinks.

October is about to say hello. But someone wished me birthday wishes a month earlier.

Reading Kafka

I have to admit, Haruki Murakami is a genius who can twist and turn words, create metaphors and riddles that hunts you for long time without any answers. I have been reading his book, and trying to understand what he is trying to communicate but only to meet with frustration at times. But nevertheless its a page turner and pages flow like a river.

Still half-way to go through! But I am sure it will  be in re-read list as Murakami himself has suggested that it's a book that needs to be read and re-read to understand. Apparently he said "Kafka on the Shore contains several riddles, but there aren't any solutions provided. Instead, several of these riddles combine, and through their interaction the possibility of a solution takes shape. And the form this solution takes will be different for each reader. To put it another way, the riddles function as part of the solution. It's hard to explain, but that's the kind of novel I set out to write."

Obviously the book has so many riddles and startling characters/plots that I can relate to. And some awesome lines as well. Few are below:

"..intolerant, narrow minds with no imagination are like parasites that transform the host, change form and continue to thrive. They are lost cause." 

"With each new dawn it's not the same world as the day before. And you are not the same person you were either"

"...I don't need to judge whether people are good or evil. Likewise I don't have to act according to standards of good and evil."

Read if you have time.

 

fear

was waiting for Sid. As always he was running late and I had nothing to do. So i ventured inside my favorite book store in the down, smelling the smell of new books, feeling the covers and reading the synopsis, I spent next 1.5 hours there. And feeling obliged I got a book for myself as well.
It began to drizzle when I got text confirming he was around the place. So I stepped outside and went to the place where we usually meet (whenever he is late). As I was waiting for him, suddenly a fear grasped me and I don't know why i felt so.
Unknowingly i counted my age and felt so afraid that within next few years all of my friends would be happily married and their children would be calling me uncle. And I felt all alone that may be, may be I won't have that happiness. But i consoled myself saying there is always an option of adoption or surrogate child if I become that desperate and nothing works as planned. Then another thought hit me, probably when I am 70s then I will be all alone, with no one beside me and sharing my happiness or pain. I again consoled myself saying who guarantees that I would live that long or what's the guarantee that marriage would ensure that happiness for others? But still somewhere it kept hitting me may be, if i have child, may be they would stand by me. Just a may be thought.
Quiet strange thought that overpowered me. I had never ever thought this way. When I shared this fear to Sid, all he did was laugh. Probably he could relate to my fear or thought I am just stupid one or god-knows-what. He didn't explain and I didn't pursue.

who am i?

don't think too much who i could be. I could be a person sitting next to you, talking with you over phone, bringing you chocolates you love or share movies you loved.

The more you think, less exciting it becomes.

Deal????

:)

Just a whisper of yours saying I love you brings butterflies in my stomach and takes me somewhere beyond. Yes, you cannot see the smile it brings on my face. Call me silly or stupid, that's how I am :)

I have reached the raining city. The weather is still hot. I thought when i was here in September few years back, temperature was much better as it is now. Looking forward for friday when my gang joins me bringing laughter and happiness. Wish you don't hate the raining city and be here instead.

More posts later, promise.

nostalgia

It's pouring outside: seems Indra, the hindu god of thunder and rain, isn't happy today. Strong wind and rain, what a combination. I always loved rain. I don't know why, but if you ask me which weather I would prefer more: I would chose Monsoon. In my opinion, the rain makes such a wonderful music when water hits the ground and there's prism of lights, too many colors to chose.

This rain and thunder do remind me of you. First time when we met, it was raining like hell and you came with an umbrella to pick me up. That was so hilarious especially your long umbrella, like the one old black umbrella people used to carry back ages ago. Today it's raining like it did then. Probably it's shining in your place now: sun and sand. Yes, I remember you saying so and I even have gift you got for me from that land. Silly me, I haven’t used it at all. It's still packed like it was when you gave me. 

Haha sometimes song reminds me of you and sometimes it's the smell. Sometimes I wonder if we had given shot, could we have made it? I know both of us were more worried about coming days than the present ones. We never pursued but still whenever I try to remember those messages you sent me, I get this question: why didn't we? Remember the most funny and sweet one was the quote from Brida (funny I don't remember it though), it was copied-pasted but still it did touch my heart. I still loved those days of sitcoms, thesis data analysis and mere fooling and nothing else. Those days of surprises and you never got tired of my endless babbles.

Now things have changed and someone has taken your place. I don't know if it's same with you, but you acted more as stern and confident and never shared me except denials.  I heard rumours after all. But the last statement that you said to me in person still bring laughter: If only you were not in relationship.

Memories are to cherish. And suddenly it made me nostalgic today.

peanut-sized mind

I was with this friend who happen to be narcissist when it comes to photography. His other friends were also there and one of his friend commented about his new profile picture on FB. She said though the picture itself is awesome there's one funny thing about it. Like me, he too was curious, to find what that funny thing is. Upon insisting she remarked that if only his face is considered its "Gayish" as his expression is similar to of "gay expression", hence funny. I wanted to slap her right away but hold myself from doing so.

What is this gay expression anyway? Do expressions also follow sexual orientation pattern? You raise your eye to right and that is "straight expression" but if you do so in left that's "gay" - is there such thing? Can you just tell  looking at photographs and expression who are gay and who are not? If you can, my Good Samaritan  where had you been hiding?

People are so stereotyped. 

early morning post

Have you ever woken up with fear of some unnecessary words in your automatic reply setting having potential to destroy your email-image? I did today and result: I am online early in the morning and writing this note. I don't have any idea why I put that stupid word in first place, but nevertheless I have corrected it. Was the fear of grammatical shame that woke me up or long sleeping hours did it's magic? Hmmm a food for thought.

On other stuffs, yesterday was Sid's B'day. Yes, Happy Birthday Sid. He was too busy with his family circles and new gadget so no meeting with him. Hopefully today (will you?). But the fact is I haven't got anything for him yet. Yes, I am still in dilemma. I have to give something which he will really like and enjoy having it. He has already warned me to release the spoiler so that he doesn't have to falsely proclaim how much he liked it. There are 3 options at the moment.

1. Sweater: Once we were roaming around and he liked one sweater made of "Newzeland Wool". We had a look but didn't buy then. 
2. A souvenir cycle
3. Shades: He loved it but the store guy hasn't got it yet from abroad. 

I hope he won't have change in heart when I give him any of these. Once again, Happy B'day. Love you :D

.....

Hello Ms. cynicism, you succeeded.

Yes, sometimes days just turn out to be better than expected without any achievement and so it might turn blue. No reasons, just feel gloomy. My bottle of optimism is running low i guess. Nothing has happened, no fights with Sid, No arguments with friends, No family drama nor bad day at work (fingers crossed). Still I feel somewhat like a lost child.

As i try to dig the reason, i am still empty handed. Probably it has to do with expectations that fall short and I find myself in the whirlpool of exceptions questioning relevance of those same expectations. Yes i don't understand my own expectations and if you ask me to state them, i would be in loss of words. But I always had this attitude of "I don't have any expectations" but how wrong I was. Is it you or them who taught me to build expectations? I have no answers and as I reflect myself in mirror, I see only me as the culprit.Have you ever felt same way or is it just my mind possessed by devil?

Wish you were here with me. Probably one more expectation. But I got Adele and she is even more depressed.
Need a good meal!!

Aftermath: you know me

I admit exam is the one and only reason for lack of posts in this blog. No, no its the truth.
But is it?
Once you are aware of being read or observed, suddenly your approach changes. There are few things probably I could have mentioned in past few days, but I held back. Why? Suddenly i felt, probably I don't want to answer and best, use self restraint. (the word recently i memorized for my exam purpose.)
2 exams have gone well (I believe so) and unless some conspiracy happens and whole department wish to fail me, I would get decent marks I suppose. Once 2 more are struck down and do something about the Thesis, I will be a happy graduate :)
Oh talking about exam, one business idea came in our mind. The reality is this idea pops up every exam time and dies with the end of exam. The basic idea is: the subject I am pursuing lacks good books and no you can't find Guess Paper or Nima's Old is Gold. Not are there Guides. So we thought why not work in a team, take some chapters and produce one quality note and share the benefit. We all have agreed to the idea and I hope this time we keep our promise. Some of my friends have back papers and they would need it I am sure, unless I too flunked this year. So hopefully this idea of note business would materialize. Otherwise can you believe the note I have says still Pakistan is ruled by Poor Musharraf with mustache hehe :P 

A time traveller

I wish I were a time traveller. Then I would travel to future and get the questions paper, come back to present and study real hard. Since few days my mind is filled with constant flow of information making my head go wild. Shit, I still have to do lots, lots of study. No I haven't met Sid since last 4 days :(

I wish there were nothing called exams!!

CoC for bloggers? Please eat cow first!

Once upon a time, when I was a kid and used to play football in our neighborhood with around 8-10 people. When we won we used to feel the whole neighborhood won and when we lost I used to be scared of looking at people's eye wondering have i shamed them?

Seems i grew up but not the neighborhood (please read Nepal). According to some people, 10 people signed so called Code of Conduct on behalf of all bloggers. And I didn't know there was this organization called BLOGAN (blogger's association of Nepal) who can represent me. And i had my blast when i read one point which say - Avoid conflict of interest – clearly disclose my position including job, financial interest, affiliation and relationship if they related to the post OR maintain an detailed About Me page!

Hahah now you are kidding me! If I wanted to be known to the world, wouldn't i be desperately trying to write for Kantipur or New York Times? Why would i be wasting my time here. If you need my resume, simply email me i will get back to you. 

The funny thing is, I had heard about it few times back but never gave damn thought. Seems they are just trying to stop me abusing some people :P Then I would say, bring it on.

You don't allow me going round to flirt and date and now you try to control how i think as well? Pleaaaaaseeeeee!

If only 2012 was real

Probably the world is going to end in 2012, if only i could see the future. When the little bird called exam decides to nestle down on your head, all you can think is of exam but you are too lazy to do anything. Hence, you wish for apocalyptic vision. If I knew if the world is indeed going to fall apart then why should i waste my precious time tugging with the book?

I wonder if i know the end of the world day what would i do?   Lets scratch down something:

• Do scuba diving. True, don't have enough money to afford Sharm-el-Sheikh for that but definitely can afford Pokhara. I hear they are now providing underwater diving in Fewa Lake or Begnas Lake. But what would i see there? Plastics???
• Go out somewhere travelling, possibly GOA, with friends for last ride and enjoy like never before. Yes, without all the dramas and actions that comes with vacation :P Anyway Who knows our plan to go there celebrating marriage of another friend might yield result or not. 
• Learn riding Bike and get one as well. Duh- I know, pathetic me. If could learn it then I would persuade Sid to go for long drive, possibly up to Laddakh. I hear it's a sheer beauty. Driving to Himalayas in our country would be herculean task and of course we can't carry it while we climb up up Kalikot :P
• Make a home video of you know what. Hahaha if the world doesn't end and i screwed up with all possible opportunities, this could be my THE NEXT BIG THING hahahahaha. Yes i was just kidding. Was I? Yes, yes :P

What else would you do?

Somewhere

.......... Somewhere over the rainbow

Skies are blue,
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true.

Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far
Behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me.

Somewhere over the rainbow
Bluebirds fly.
Birds fly over the rainbow.
Why then, oh why can't I?

If happy little bluebirds fly
Beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?

Harry Nilsson - Over the Rainbow

cover, blow up!

Seriously, the world is a funny place to live. When you want everyone to know you, no one gives a damn and when you want to hide from all the flash-lights, suddenly karma plays bitch and you become a celebrity. You remember Govind tiwari, a twitter-made celebrity? Probably he tried for ages to be known and luck has something else in store for him. But suddenly the short-lived fame graced him making "You-know-who" overnight.

Same thing happened to me as well. I tried to be anonymous but some silly acts and comments led to revelation of cover. Probably Osama also thought same when special squad stormed his residence is Pakistan (can't even remember the place name). So lets just say I had Osama moment when one of my friend actually found the blog and had such a CIA mind, he could piece together everything to find out it's me and my rant all along. I always knew he was CIA or at least MI5 agent (you know who, and i am quiet sure now you begin to read it, flicking through wondering if there will be new post).

So now my theory is, no matter how much you try to hide, your cover will blow-up someday. I am just waiting to know how long the hacker's group Anonymous or Luiz-whatever would hide in their hole.

But am I afraid or mad about being in limelight? Hell no, why would I be. In some way I am glad that the cover blew up (the only worry is now there will be intense question answer round for the things I don't even want to remember or talk about someone and make him have hiccups in the middle of Caribbean).

Things happen for best reason and doesn't matter whether the world turns upside down or green, I am always hopeful I will have my share of smile and be evil green goblin :P

Huhhahahahahahuuhhh (please read this as an evil laugh)

just as i thought to write....

My dog has gone to dieting phase. He hardly eats anything nowadays. Hopefully, as Sid explained, it's just a season thing.

And apparently one of Sid's friends think, love is all but drama and we are also being part of the silly act. lol, just made me laugh.

Got nothing to write more. After all how many times on earth do i need to whine about being silly and lazy.

Am i turning cynical?

I know that is not the question I should be asking you, but to myself. Why I am asking this question, nowadays i find things happening around me full with fallacies. Take for example, yesterday few creative and energetic kids organized program at famous mall, asking for donation to fight against hunger. They all were raising funds for one school that aims to educate street kids. Nobel job indeed. But I was like: do they even mean it?
I happen to reach there when speeches were going on, and one famous radio guy who works for BBC World Service began saying he would like to speak in his native language than in english. Yes, he said that in english. And i was like, why he has to seek permission for speaking in language that reaches every heart without much effort? The cynicism began right from there.

Yes, most of people were clad in T-shirt with X logo that meant end to hunger. They were elite kids who do not have to worry about anything. My logic is: alright raising awareness and funds is good initiative, but if you really want to fight against hunger, can't you come with some real commitment that really can make change, not just for once but for longer run. Those were the very people who were seen later eating at cafe and throwing food saying they didn't like the taste. You end hunger by saving foods not by only raising few hundreds. I just felt their initiatives were flawed somewhere because i strongly believe both awareness and commitment should go in hand to hand. If they had committed to stop drinking alcohol for a month (mind you one third of total grain production ends up in booze) or not throwing food or something that really make change, i would have clapped and supported. But you know when there's difference in doing and saying, i am not much that enthusiast to support the cause.

See i am just turning cynical. My mind do not even allow myself supporting such causes wholeheartedly.

A dog's tale

This is the story of my dog.

Once upon a time there was a happy family. They lived happily with their two dogs. One day tragedy strikes and they saw fall from prosperity to misery. They shifted here and there hoping to make things good but all in vain. Finally they sought refuge in a house with their 2 dogs but things were not getting good but worse. They decided to abandon the house and dogs in new place, locked all doors and vanished. Other heard pleas of dogs and did everything to provide them with some food and water. After more than 3 months, landlady decided enough is enough and she opened the doors to vacate the room. The dogs got scared and tried to hide themselves but were let loose anyway. Both tried to ran as far as possible fearing new people. Some tried to stop them so that they could provide them shelter and home dogs can call their own. Among two, one decided to stay back.

Not proper food for more than 3 months, no one to look after the dog was very weak and fragile. But thanks to his new masters he is growing well and good.

And this is the story of my dog!

The Collector

Do you be in touch with people from your past? Well, I do.

We were at one of our friend's house. Poor she, had an appendix surgery. We were travelling together for more than 3 weeks to different part of my country. We all were relieved she had her appendix problem after coming back home. Sigh, big relief. Otherwise, imagine how I would have reacted.
After meeting her, while returning home, I remembered i was in neighbourhood of someone from my past. No it wasn't serious relationship but a casual one. Well to be frank, he is the first man I had in my life. I gave him call to check whether he has left the country already (he is going home forever) and turned out he is still around. But leaving soonish. He invited me over and I checked in. We just had few casual conversation, he inquiring me about my love life, happiness and all. And me doing about his last days.

Then out of the blue he questioned whether I would be interested to take some of his books. Well I love books, so i said why not. Checked some, finally decided with one. He was sure he won't be taking away left-over books so I suggested him to donate the books to some library and he handed over responsibilities to me The final outcome: I came back home with at least 14 books. Phew, now i need to look for library to handover some of them, some will keep as his memory.

And I became a collector yesterday :) Oh, below the song i am humming these days. Checkout!

Talking to the stranger

Prolly you all know there's this dating site for Gay men. No i don't want to mention the name here, who knows tomorrow our dear Telecom Authority find find about it and block it as it did to many porn sites. Darn! I had account there one and that's how i Met Sid. Later i deleted the account but after action of our dear Telecom Authority I decided to create new account at the dating site because it offers free porn to download. Yum :D

There one guy messaged me and I replied back and series of email happened. Afterwards we shared our phone no. and now we are in talking terms as well. I have been clear about Sid from the  very beginning and have made it clear to him what i expected from this scene is only friendship and nothing else. But I haven't told this to Sid. Yes, i intend to tell him but poor me I haven't had enough chances to meet him and share him such trivial thoughts.

I just hope he doesn't take this friendship in other way as the new friend suspects. I hope my Sid shows maturity here :)

procrastination

Sometimes i feel this is the worst habit of mine: Procrastination. I end up pushing up deadlines, assignments and all but just watch movies, roam around, sleep and do nothing but just stare  blankly. A month back i had wrote a post about the resort days. Well i wasn't there for vacation but for work purpose and I have to prepare report but still except few lines, nothing has happened. Even now, the report document is opened but here I am, writing this post instead. After that workshop, such another workshop happened and then there was my travel to mid-west of the country and tomorrow travelling to central south:: for more than a week. When could I finish writing these reports. After coming back I need to focus on writing report (hopefully it will have my name :P) that needs to be published soon. Or should I just hire consultant for writing hahahaha. But i need to use my own pocket money lol.

On other note, observing my lengthy travels one of my friend make remarks regarding Sid and me. She said "seems someone's love life will be in peril because of travels and work". And i realized its true as I am travelling a lot and he is also busy in his work we haven't have good time for us. This week after my return, we met on Monday and went for a movie (Kungfu Panda 2) which was ok. He had already seen it. Then Tuesday i was home, taking rest. On Wednesday and Thursday was busy with b'day celebrations of my friend and my beloved nephew. And tomorrow again I am travelling for more than a week. So I have got today only to spell out my mind to him in person.

Single life is more interesting sometimes as you don't have to worry about anyone.

travel days are almost over

yes, still around, alive and kicking. Was out of hustle and bustle of my hometown for almost 2 weeks. Went to various places ranging from hot humid place to cold place (alright i admit not that cold either). I am still on my way back to home and my stupid data card didn't work as it was promised in the beginning, Damn you company. And then later there wasn't internet except in cyber and I was too busy to go there.

during these 2 weeks, i met interesting people and heard their interesting stories. Met people who were forcibly taken to construct road by the Maoists during insurgency, heard the conflict stories that were scary, saw youth who had learning attitude problems, met few frank bureaucrats, saw simplicity and good hearts of people, saw the development and it's effect. It will take ages to explain all i have seen.

Well this is just update post to let you know what i have been doing or where i was. More will follow, i promise!

the resort days

I am in this fabulous resort near the town. Yes, yes it's official trip otherwise i just can't afford the tariff haha :P. From our partners perspectives,this is supposed to be fun as the name suggest otherwise but only we know how intensive it could be. So 3 days here already and I was hoping I could go back tomorrow but now I have to spend one more night here.

Though no matter how fabulous the resort is, but it has worst customer service. Probably because many customers come here and mostly occupied. But whatever the reason, I am not happy. When I arrived here, in email, I was told that welcome drink would be served upon arrival. After me, my colleagues and partners got the room keys, we waited for our drink and the front desk officer said, 'I have already given you room keys, why are waiting here instead of going to room?' That question pissed me off and I hit back saying WE ARE WAITING FOR THE WELCOME DRINKS. I know that sounded so silly but I didn't expect that question from him, so I used my authority to have drink and i DID :P

Environment here is awesome. Peace and serene place. I thought i will go jogging or use gym, but i always feel lazy to sleep till 7 or 7.30 and it's already time for the workshop to begin. Anyway I managed to swim for a while and realized how much stamina I have which was poor hahaha. I swam across the pool once and backstroke twice from breadth. And i was so tired. (Jeez I am embarrassed now). now in the room, killing mosquitoes that came in when my friend asked to open doors for meditation. I love working in my sector :)

Free food, free travel and free resort visits :P

Opinionated

Yes, it's open secret: I am impulsive, blunt and opinionated.
Most of the time I fight with myself to stop from commenting on other's action or words thinking everyone is entitled to their own opinion. But sometimes i just fail, like today.

There was bandha or closure demanding some rights ensured in upcoming constitution.They were advocating their rights to protest. And on fb page of small group compromising people of very same group that announced bandha, i wrote my anger. Then later I read an interesting tweet which tried to paint action of some ISP's to block internet service, thus violating my constitutional right, as bad business practice but not censorship. Nothing, nothing can justify violation of constitution and i wrote back.

Thank god it was only on internet and i didn't meet any people.

now time to sleep!

financial crises

In 2009, west saw another financial crises which forced economy across the world. The crisis was late to reach here, in this part of the world, and i am the sole victim (many would contest this for sure). 4 months back my saving was super strong with nearly 100K. Then now the saving stands around 5K and that too after adding and subtracting all my income (which is quiet decent) and still i have to survive a month. In the mean time I have to renew my internet plan, pay back some loans, do some shoppings and the list is longer than this.

Thinking back, where did my saving go? I don't know where i spent most of my money, probably at restros, cinema halls (turned out i saw quiet no. of movies in this past 4 months). My friends think my expenses are justified as I am known to be quiet frequent Restro explorer which i deny and argue. Whatever the situation, one of my friend suggested me to note down all my expenses and see where i am spending most. Yes, i need to do that.

On different request: can anyone help me get some part-time jobs hahaha.

I am just back from one workshop. For nearly 5 days i was confined to a hotel at nearby hill station: no i didn't even had time or desire to get out of even the gate. I used to go to room, to hall and to dining hall. I didn't see the famous sunrise, the view-tower or the temple participants weret talking about. All that i saw was the misty, foggy surrounding seen from my room or hall or dining table. Yes, i am that stupid.

Except the scene of course I enjoyed following my crush. I noticed he is struglling with shape as his increasing belly would prove that but still got that innocent face and spectacles that make him look super sexy lol. Yes we are now friend on fb (he added me of course) and i loved checking out his pictures.

When i told Sid that there was only one good-looking guy among all those participants he laughed and joked that he wasn't the participant. Wish he indeed was there. I missed him so much at one point of time. Talking about the joke: sometimes i wonder he can't get my joke. Today we were at bakery to get brown bread and he commented that the brown bread is not brown enough and looks like the white one to which counter-guy gave some sort of justification which of couse Sid didn't like. To make things calm i joked that may be the baker didn't burn the bread enough and Sid began to explain me how brown bread is made. And in front the the counter-guy i had to tell him: You hardly get my joke which seemed funny enough for the counter-guy.

Now from tomorrow i have to go back to office which i am dreading. The reason: backlog works. I haven't been able to finish a report which is due since a month. And more work has been piled up and I am acting like they don't exist. Help me God (if you exist), Sigh!

the cute guy

You see him on tv first time reporting on certain issues and  feel: he is so cute and sexy. Then you see him in your college but of course you don't have guts to say hello (he might think you creepy). Then suddenly you see his name in one of your training and he starts talking to you (your CRUSH starts talking to you!!): it feels so good.

No, I am not fantasizing about him or having infidel thoughts (I love you Sid). But having this strange happiness that now my crush knows me, in fact we can be involved in some decent conversation next time we meet on street :P Now i am checking his facebook (the idea never came) and voila, he hasn't protected his fb account. So checking out his pictures now (i know i am a creep lol). He is so yum! (wish i could share his picture but that would be unethical and outrageous act of mine hahaha)

What are the chances he could be gay? lol, my mind is playing dirty game now, ain't it and that too publicly haha!

P.S. he hasn't mentioned 'interested in' on fb. Is my post on faydar true in this regard? :D

the weekend is here

The much awaited weekend came without noise and seems will be gone without any noise.

My friends were planning to go cycling. Even Sid got excited and proudly told me (later i shared with my friends) that he too wants to join the cycling. My friends suggested Sid to practice cycling and build stamina before the D day (of course i conveyed the message to him) but he had his macho-feeling inside him. Feeling challenged he told me he has stamina and used to such riding. What the heck for me, if he thinks he can join I am happy. But poor me: since i didn't have guts to agree to cycle at least 40kms uphill, downhill road, i was pinning my hope on one of my friend who had car. Me and another friend tried to butter car-friend but turned out he has exams or other engagements leaving my plans go: WHAM. Later Sid had talk with his friend about the plan who enlightened him about the hardship-prospect. When he realized he might not have that much power needed, suddenly the tiger turned into cat and I was left with howler.

So the weekend came. Friday we went for movie Rango which was not as great as i had expected it might be. Moves slowly and at times gets boring. The D day came and my friends went but I was at my home playing chess with my laptop while Sid at his own house doing laundry and ironing. Yes, I was bullying my nephew as well: screaming at him for not following what i said, blackmailing him with cartoons and making him go mad.
Also weekends mean playing time with my dog. He loves being pampered and whenever i am about to play with him, he just sleeps on his back hoping i would scratch him around his belly or legs. Not once, every time he does that. No he doesn't play with balls or any other stuffs. I try to make him pick up ball or something he just ignores me and ball, and goes to sleep or simply walks by to mom. Yes, he follows her everywhere and my mom calls him her younger son. He hardly listens to what i have to say unless i make my voice loud. And when i do that he knows what to do: go back to his comfy place.

Oh he has learned to use toilet, finally. That's another good news but of course sometimes he thinks toilet exists everywhere except my mom's room and the corridor.

Gift

I bought a book for Sid, no reasons. I remembered him saying he wanted to read one book. And i wrote following line as a note!

From one angel to another,

Hoping we could build a paradise together!

Fingers crossed!

simple question hard answer

In the morning I was listening to my favorite radio show called 'Namaste Ktm' on local FM and the host asked a fairly simple question, 'Which is the song you want to begin your day with' or similar like that. I thought for so long, still i couldn't come up with an answer that really satisfy me.
First song that came in my mind was Hindi track from movie Qayamat se Qayamat tak titled 'Gazab ka hain din'. I love this song but probably it's not the song i feel like beginning with my day. Then i thought about other songs. Currently i am in love with Adele and enjoy listening to her track 'Someone like you' but it's not the song i want to listen early in the morning. Then Bruno Mar's song 'Billionaire' came in mind and went followed by some jazz and pop, then came country songs. I struggled with John Mayer to Dixie Chicks. I also thought about some Nepali and Hindi songs but none of them seemed to be the one i want to begin my day with.

The conclusion: I don't have answer to such a simple question.

It's not the first time i have faced such situation. If you ask me hard questions, i have answers to them or at least i know what i have to say. But when i am asked simple question my mind goes numb and i don't have any answer. But sad part is: most of the life changing questions are very simple like do you love me or will you marry me or what do you like most about your job?

Is it same with you too?

expiry

Everything comes with an expiry date.

My internet service provider sent me a text using automated system at 3 AM in the morning to remind me that my internet plan is near it's expiry date and i should buy new one (it also said to check emails for more details but there was no email, seriously). So I will have to buy new plan by tomorrow but since i spent my savings on education today, i won't have money left to buy new plan unless April end comes tomorrow. But i had plan B to face this using new wi-fi internet service that is becoming a talk of the town. I got one 300 Rs. worth card (thanks to my friend) but i hear even they have increased the tariff rate to Rs.499. I don't know whether the card I have lost it's expiry date :P

But in a way, having no internet is good thing for me. If there's no internet then I can go to sleep early making this line 'early to bed, early to rise, makes man wise' true to some extent. Well early to rise would mean me going to college everyday and learn something and be wise. Also no internet mean now i don't have to look for porn and be worried when your favorite porn site is blocked by ISP (naughty me i know).

Well coming back to my first line: I believe in 'all good things must come to an end'. Do you?

The marriage

Sometimes i wonder what's wrong with gay people, why they have to try extra hard to fit into existing social structure. My argument is: Being gay, they already rebel to existing idea of loving your opposite sex. So why not continue with the rebelling?

Sid mentioned about his gay friends getting married. I understand there is immense pressure and blackmailing, probably sometimes leading you to agree to the idea of getting married. But would marriage solve the problem: problem of loving someone of your own sex? I beg to differ on it. No matter what, if you are not bisexual, it's very unlikely that you could have a happy marriage. Sid's friend got divorced, lucky his wife turned out to be drug abuser and well she herself also invited trouble to the marriage. But if she wasn't drug abuser, would things be solid and happy? I have heard/read/seen many people who are perfectly gay and still in perfectly (from outside) happy marriage life. But is it worth to experiment putting yourself, your lover's and your to-be-wife's happiness in risk of jeopardy?

I asked Sid (since he is also closeted) whether he would see himself married to a girl. To my dismay his answer was "I don't know. Probably!". I wanted to scream at him but hold the idea. Things haven't been so serious that i start talking about US. Yes, even i am closeted but at least i have made up my mind that i will come out to my family within this year and I will never ever get married to a girl unless I really fall in love with her. But paradox here is: I do not believe in institution of marriage.

Moving back to my topic: how could you expect to get married to someone you don't even love or can never love. And still you think you are forced to take that decision because of your parents. To hell with those parents who love their values, tradition and society more than their own blood. I have straight forward idea: I will leave and be on my own than give up and get married under pressure.

Should i take this conversation with Sid regarding marriage as a warning sign: to hold myself back and get out of the relation ASAP? Or should i take this opportunity to make him believe that you have to stand for yourself and no one will do that for you. If you don't, it means in a way you are slowly cradling towards known grave (who knows its possible).

Morning shows the day. But don't know what my day would look alike. Seriously!

UPDATE: Probably i was just over-reacting. I thought about it later as well and realized that when people are offered situation they haven't faced yet they are likely to answer with things they might not do. He might not say "I don't know, Probably!" but replace it with "No I won't and I am happy to find someone" when he has to face the real situation. My strong argument for this is: if he would give up, he could have been married for long (Gawd, he is already 33). He hasn't given up and he won't give up on me so easily :)

to do list

It's a fact: I love making "to-do-list" but i don't seem to heed on it.

As soon as i reached my desk, i made to-do-list for today. Trust me, it became a long list. Some reports, some training workshop plans, some briefing papers, few papers to edit/proof read. One of our interns asked would i be able to meet them?

As the curtain falls down signalling end of the day, i looked back at the list and i seem to manage doing 1% of the list i prepared. Holy crap, the work keeps piling up and I keep making long list.
Damn you internet.

The to-do-list doesn't only includes office work but also some college assignments and i-will-study-this stuffs. Yes i have enrolled myself in a university and trying to pursue some degree. I have always been late in my assignment submission and it's also piling up. Phew.

What do you do with your to-do-list?

Too much time

Sometimes I wonder I am spending too much of time with Sid.
Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday.....We meet, we chat, enjoy the company, get close, hold hands and keep walking.

And yesterday I asked him, "Aren't we meeting everyday? We both need time for our private life as well. We have friends and families who would be honored to serve us sometimes" and he responded back with plan of meeting 4 days a week which i doubt would be implemented. Why i said so, call me stupid, but i have learned from my past relationship that you shouldn't take your friends as granted. Your friends also need you, seek you and wishes to be with you to share their best and worst days. And if you are not there listening to your friends, how could you wish that they will  be there when you need to vent?

I am really blessed and sometimes wonder what had i done for being showered with such immense happyness? Is it because, as Sid puts in, I have very good heart which believes in compassion and love? Or is it because I am just too lucky?

News on my new dog: He has started to bark at unknown people :) Gave him his first dose of vaccines. 

cycle

Paddling hard, paddling slow... sometimes even losing breath but defying friction, defying traffic chaos, i cycled hard!
yes i borrowed the cycle and tried riding it. I enjoyed a lot...but i got tired leaving with muscle pain :P The cycle fun is over now and i am back to where I was.

Just hope this cycle did help me make my pants loose :P

Also did i mention that I have adopted a dog now?

New dawn

My friends think Sid is cool, good looking and hot. But most of all he is a very good choice of mine, now that's all i call the BIG HAPPY NEWS.

Relieved, happy and so happy.

Happiness is all about sharing :)

P.S. sad that Virat Kohli didn't even tore his shirt in celebration after they won world cup cricket 2011. Don't blame me for drooling  on him, i find him so hot. :D

The faith we have

Image Source: travelblog.org

Early morning,
people queuing,
just to pass through that door,
to embrace their faith!

And I was one of them.

Do I believe in god: No. I think s/he is over rated even if there's someone who can prove existence. Do I believe in religion: No. My opinion: source of all problems and issues we have. But still what i was doing there?
I was trying to fulfill promise once i had made to someone. Trying to show my gratitude for everything i have and thank my mom by making her happy, at least for few seconds. Or more than that probably I was there to pray hard for happiness that is overdue for someone I know.

People of different ages, ethnicity, beliefs, motives but all have same in common: faith. Their faith that even if something goes wrong, there will be someone to look after them and help them in solve their problems, someone who will do the magic and make their wish come true, someone who would lend support in dealing with pain and failure.

Probably the only two thing that make this world worth living for: Faith and Hope. The day we lose it, I don't think  the world would be same ever again!