gone with the wind

I don't even know whether I should continue writing or not. The passion of writing has died with my relationship. Yes, it's over between Sid and me. My about me section needs to be updated with this:
Just an everyday ordinary guy in relationship with sweet but bit nasty boy looking for doing something extraordinary. Thinks life is beautiful and enjoys every moment with smile. About the pic: well i am just trying to read and understand my own life, so this picture reflects my current state :)


Something went wrong: horribly wrong. I ended it with email, at least from my side. He insisted he cannot come out of the house for few days, so be it. Probably he hasn't got clue about contents of email but I knw once he finishes reading it, he will accept.


Right now I am hollow. Can't think of anything. 


Karma is such a bitch!

empty pavements

Up ahead, I see a flicker of light
my hopes rise, heart joys
I run, run and run
as fast as my legs allow
to escape from this darkness
to that light.

I come near the light
I see
It's you, with a candle
looking for something long lost
I seek light, you seek companion
perfect!

But after a while
I realize, the wind is blowing somewhere
trying to puff the light
frantically I search for the source
search for something to cover
then i realize
it's you who is blowing

You are tired of walking together
you are again looking for something
No, it's not me.
You were only mistaken
you realize.

The darkness fills again
I suffocate
scream and look around
you are gone
and so is light.
All that remaining
is a smell of burning
Is it my heart or the candle?

the great wallet hunt

My knees are still weak, after all that running and walkathon. And my belief in whatever happens, happen for good reason has become even more stronger. But before i narrate the story, let me spin the wheel of time and start from yesterday.

Ra.One, Shah Rukh Khan's new Bollywood movie. Sid wanted to see the movie, or say he just wanted to go to the cinema and it was only Ra.One that was hypnotizing the management. Result: Ra.one everywhere. 2 says back Sid asked me to book tickets but most of the preferred seats were already booked and so he dropped the idea. But suddenly he called me yesterday afternoon and asked to book tickets. I managed to book 3 tickets at another hall and I was asked to collect the ticket, of course. Thanks to my mom, who took my 100rs without my knowledge proved to be costly choice. 3 tickets would cost 840 but i had only 750 left in my wallet. I was already late, so frantically looked for ATM. 2 ATMs were down, another's shutter was closed down but irony it had board claiming 24 hours open. Hence no other ATM were available which would accept my card as I had left another bank's card at home which was working. So i returned back empty handed, waited for another friend. By then out tickets had been released and sold to another person. We returned back, had coffee and parted our ways.
In the evening again Sid asked to book tickets, this time i bought online as well. Went to same road to took some money from ATM again same story as yesterday's. Sad thing the ATM which was working yesterday had ceased to work today. Never mind, we went to the cinema. Movie was stupid and boring. I became restless in the middle and my wallet began to pain me. So i took out my wallet and started counting time. Movie finished, we out. On the way home, I remembered to go to ATM and discovered:
I have left my wallet at the cinema. I ran back, called another friend to come with bike. Thank goodness I got my wallet back.
The moral of the story: If i had withdrawn money before I went to the movie, I would never had to think where my wallet is and I would have remembered in only tomorrow or when I needed wallet resulting in loss of all of my cards and identities. So sometimes things happen for good reason. That's why malfunctioning ATM was good thing to happen today.

P.S. Ra.One is not worth of the hype at all. 

festival leftover

I am getting tired of eating leftovers. According to my granny, my mom has small eyes meaning she hardly gets satisfied with less things. Unless the pot is full, she doubts it would be enough for everyone to eat which of course is not true. So her small eyes played big part this time as well and we ended up with leftovers full of fridge. My sister, as my granny used to, complaining saying If only she had heard to me. The lesson, don't hurry to cook if you are not sure whether your relatives are coming or do not compare their eating habit with the cyclopes who apparently could eat a lot. Otherwise you would be left with lots of leftovers and you just can't throw it anyway. Slowly and slowly you have to eat, otherwise what's use of refrigerator :P

In another note, bhaitika went well. Had fun playing with nieces and nephew, taking tika from sisters. Evening was another scandal which I will narrate someday. Ended up with friend at the famous bar, drank few glasses of beer and had good talk. It was indeed very helpful to talk and let go of many fear that we hold back. But still fear remains, in another form!

open the door, come out!

I know time has come. The more i wait, the more difficult it becomes. But how do i balance and approach? When should i initiate? How do i handle the response. It's so difficult. Easier said than done.

Thinking to tell about myself and my current status to mom.

day of complain

A week has passed since i wrote last time. There was weekend and then work, needed to finish one big report: something that i can proudly say I did it. The report took most of the time, preventing me from working on dissertation proposal. Oh i made that up myself because in the evening i was free but chose not to write. Anyway, now by coming week, i need to finish my proposal and submit to the university. If i don't do it now, then my plan will go down the water road.
But it aint that easy as i had thought. First it became herculean task to understand and  use citation system. I worked for almost 7 hours today on this bloody proposal, still i hardly manage to complete 30% of work. I hope that's 30% :( Its gonna take much longer time that I had imagined. My back is hurting and I seriously need help!!! F1, F1 please

Also the internet has become crap these days, thank you wlink. The connection goes on and off, with a whim of the lord wlink and when I complain at their customer service, I get same answer: please turn off power to the wireless antenna, restart your system, wait for 5 minutes then only connect again. Today I snapped back saying I know what to do, if you have anything else do tell me. Poor guy, he gave different answer saying "we need to visit and see, i will send someone". No, that someone didn't come and I don't expect to come as well. After all its all words or did the customer people hear my answers I gave to their surveyor? I tried to be good and give them high marks for the customer service but I ended up putting more questions and complains haha. So, seems someone is in revenge mood then. I will be saying: Bring it on hahahaha

Oh btw did I mention, I am becoming more wise soon. Yes, B'day is coming up!

a little less, a little more

Have you ever felt scared or afraid of what's happening? Something like you have boarded wrong train or you are seeing a wrong dream or you have been silenced?

Same fear clogging you in different form at different times.

Sometimes loving is also not an easy thing to do. You have to tread in fine balance. A little more, you overburden it and a little less, you don't feel it. If you talk about barometer, I feel confused about my position. Am I being at a little more or at a little less position? I don't show concern I can't do it or even if i bring myself up to it, i fear he might never see loving and caring side of me and it will be just another fling that lasted little more than fling. If i become little more, I might be clutching him and end  up suffocating him. I don't want both scenarios.

Too much thoughts running wildly in my head. Am i texting and calling him more? Does he like receiving message or gets annoyed. Should I be worried about the profile thing or just be cool about it. Is he happy with me or just tagging along because he pities me? I am crazy at times. I wonder if he feels same way about me or am I just turning into devil's workshop.
Isn't there such device that exactly tells you how other half feels about you? Is he happy with you or expect something more?

Too many questions, But answers: None.

None!

windchime

you are separated
but still tied with me
with that weak string
at different points
there's no chance of me
meeting you
touch you, feel you
strike together,
and make that wonderful sound
unless
wind blows
and brings you together to me
letting me feel you
touch you, make love to you
all over once again
for a fraction of seconds
and make that sound
reminding me of why I am hanging here
waiting for another blow of wind!

tears

and thus, we cried.... my sisters and I.

tears welled up, heart became heavy and unknown sound escaped from mouth.

sob, sob.

Somewhere in another room, my nephew also shed some tears, seeing everyone cry.

If only you were here with me, probably I could lean on your shoulder.

P.S. nothing happened. It's just that we needed some fresh year and triggering moment.

RIP JOBS

Didn't know till mid-day. He was already gone! Rest in Peace Steve Jobs.

I have some wishlist of your products and only thing I use, at the moment, that you invented is ipod. But man as I saw your oldie pictures when you were young: you look smoking hot. You had that charisma but never thought you were so hot.

sensibility? hmmmm

Sometimes I forget I am a mere human!

You promise to meet but have been failing to do so, mostly because of your part. Even there is less texts and calls making way between you two. Then finally both of you decide to meet as there is no chance you can spoil the meeting. You are so excited to see him, touch him and feel him but he doesn't turn up. You try to find his whereabouts but he doesn't reply back to you properly and you try to think something could be the reason. So many texts and unasnwered calls.
Then after futile attempts, suddenly you find his phone is busy when you dial his no. Being hopeful after few seconds again you dial the number but no answer. It works as trigger and you leave with sour mood and send quick text telling how you felt "ignored". After 10-15 minutes you get his text and call explaining why  he wasn't able to respond quickly. You are left with no in-between options: Either accept his excuses or bull doze them. You feel stupid for letting stupid thought over ran your sensibility but still find reason to justify your feelings.

Phew, so much for love.

vent out

The greastest festival is here which means more meeting with your annoying cousins, aunts, uncles, far-away relatives and who not? Every year either they pop up or force us to pop up at their place to gossip, to satire or to check out who's doing what of course all in guise of Giving and Taking blessings. Today went to one of those cousins where I used to love being few years back but now wish to be somewhere else instead of there. But am I lucky? I have to ask that question to someone else. So along with dinner i ate few more satirical comments. I gulped them down with the awesome achar. 

Came back home and realised probably i have stopped enjoying twitter. I see self-proclaimed righteous ones who are so concerned about everything and anything and see transformation as destructive. They begin to fill my twitter timeline with their unnecessary comments and feedback of course in tweet-chat form. Hello, there is google talk, yahoo chat or MSN or you name it, so many chat services for chatting. It's not that I don't do tweet-chats, I do. But can you please tweet-chat something interesting not whether Christians are plotting to destroy Hinduism or Daura Suruwal is the only national dress or Maoists are hell bent on destroying nationalism. If you are so interested to share your wisdom, please write long blogs; that's what they are there for. Sometimes I don't even understand why I follow them. And this thought from @IamOnir exactly explains my thought:

Its amazing how many ppl on twitter are busy giving gyan n philosophy to everyone ..almost from a height, look inwards maybe u need it most

There are so many things to rant about. But for the time being, this much only. Thanks for reading :) Oh btw Happy Dashain. May this festival brings prosperity, happiness and peace in your life.

P.S. I have no idea why i came up with this post though!!

khai k khai k: no appropriate topic

When the earthquake shook this part of the world: one of my colleague proclaimed "oh my gawd, prolly the world is really going to end in 2012. Series of earthquake from Haiti to Chile, Japan to Kathmandu, then there was tsunamis and volcano, remember Japan and Iceland, famine at horn of Africa and unpredictable monsoon. All these are just signs. I saw the movie and I am afraid more than ever.". Listening to  her I couldn't stop but howl with laughter. But deep down I felt, if indeed it become ouch reality, have i done many things i have wished for or wanted? Do you remember, few times back i had made my wishlist if the world ends in 2012 and i have initiated nothing for those dreams haha. Let alone those dreams, there are few things i haven't done yet which could be done easily. Oh yes some are related to Sid as well "wink, wink :P" Probably I should be more proactive including looking for grad school. I was looking for the course and blimey, it will cost me 30K Euros for 2 years course. Damn! Look for alternatives!!!!

Talking about grad school, one of my good friend is going away: to pursue his studies, his dreams and future. Good luck to you my mate :)

Last but not the least, I have a confession: Most of the times my predictions go wrong. Guess that proves i am a lame observer. Let's hope my prediction go wrong this time again :)

Update
No particular updates to above mentioned thoughts. But as i closed the blog and went back to my another digital life: suddenly few comments and questioned popped up. Are you drunk tonight as well? I was flabbergasted hearing the comments and wondered why people assumed I am drunk (3 nights in a row of course). The reason I found out was my fb status where i had mentioned about my headache and everyone assumed "Hail Alcohol". No it wasn't alcohol but the stupid road that made by head go wild.

I am wondering is my persona being created as that drunkard guy though i drink once in a blue moon and might or might not get drunk. But the fact is even if he gets drunk (mind you, sometimes only), still he is in a position of carrying another wasted friend to home on his back. Who acknowledges that? But yes, everyone remembers him taking out a dollar bill and shouting for more beer. Even Sid was commenting: Have you made promise to drink like an Irish? The question is - have I? Seriously have I? How I wish :P

But I do admit this 2011 has been a crazy year after a year of No-Booze-Please. Still he secretly wishes: whiskey bar :P

that last line was just a joke!