crazy, stupid love

I admit, I am afraid of love or is it commitment? Or is it committed love? Isn't there some love with no commitments? But then what's the point of being in love? The idea of loving someone crazy is scary. Please note that when I say crazy, it doesn't mean being pagal and shouting "kkkkkkkkk kiran" but loving someone so much that nothing matters except that person. My friends say and I admit, probably I love myself like that and wouldn't love anyone else putting myself at risk for that person. When I was in relationship, I always tried to stay away from those possible candidates who would be crazy, stupid lovers. I feel suffocated, yes i am that dork. I need space in my relationship, need air to breathe and time to evaluate where I am heading. But that doesn't mean I look for others. Probably when i was young and wild, I would have done so but now nothing else matters if I have that elusive crazy love (read is metaphorically, this line is just to indicate my firm commitment to monogamous relationship). But now I am single, sometimes i wish for such love. I wish for someone who would stand by me, forever and always. Not clutching to me but standing by me.

But Pooh (have i introduced her? Well she is the darling. My friend since i started learning alphabets) has to say that such person is right in front of me but i am looking for something else. Today when I was pretty lost in my failure to do work i was supposed to, she asked me about Mosby. Yes, nowadays i talk a lot about him, at least here. She reminded me he is hopelessly falling for me and I am turning my eyes blind to that. Yes, he calls me at least twice (since last few days) from his home country and tries to be updated of my life and updates his stories as well. Pooh had to point out that if he wasn't that serious about me why would he call me everyday? Like always I reminded her about my refusal to be committed in relationship and branded my relationship with Mosby as a friend with benefits. But she did favor by reminding me that being together is always not about sex but more than that and I have liberty to fool around but not hurt someone else's dream. Now is there anything I can do? Every time we  had some intimate moment, I have reminded Mosby of reality and he cuts me short saying "Yes, Yes I know it's just friends and nothing more. I understand and I am okay with it". Phew! I wonder when I fall for helplessly would that person respond me the same way I am responding to Mosby? If that happens, how will i take it. I am that bad, you see :(



Hey, my crazy stupid lover..... will you promise to love the way I love you? Sigh! If I go by indications, my heart is only going to be shattered into pieces. Only in movies, this happen not in reality.

I have been talking to AK a lot these days. Bichara, he is also stung by stupid love. I try to console him. Sometimes I wonder why can't he just find the guy and be happy with. Yes, he is hopelessly romantic and instead of that quality working in his favor, many times it had back fired. His last BF said he is moving too fast and left him heartbroken. That was a rerun of the story. I wish he would find some Mr. Perfect (all right less that perfect but awesome) who will appreciate his romanticism and fall for him for who he is. But sadly. that day hasn't come yet. He found one dork and agreed to pay half for his travel to his place only to be disappointed. That dickhead came to the place but just ended up hurting him. But honestly i felt nice that it didn't work out between them, no idea why. I was kind of jealous for the treatment AK was showering over him. But I also felt so bad for his shattered dreams and cursed myself for feeling good about it initially. When I admitted this to AK, he laughed. I don't know his real reaction and wonder if that laughter is a way to hide his real feeling. On a different note, today one of our common friend had to say that he compares me with his every date and was reminding me that I am his intimate friend. That made me wonder, have we both comparing the person we are with or are willing to be with for commonalities that exit between us? We both know we are just friends and nothing more but are we searching for our own qualities among others?

I have no idea where this post is heading towards though. Blame one sweet romantic movie i just saw.

P.S. I am not writing this post. Zombie me has taken over the blog. Arrgggghhhh, go away you zombie!